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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- COUPLES COUNSELING - by Submitted on Feb 23, 2011 from Darlene LancerIt's very important that couples seek therapy early on, while there is still good will between them. Like with any wound, the longer it festers, the more difficult is the healing process. When couples enter therapy to "save" their marriage from divorce, often one spouse has already left ...
Views: 1559(3 votes) - The Stages of Divorce - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerDivorce ranks just above death in severity of stress and is often combined with other stressors, such as marital discord, serious financial problems, a move, single parenting, multiple losses and litigation, all at once. It's a life cycle crisis that presents a crucial period of increased ...
Views: 1559(3 votes) - Relationship Killers: Anger and Resentment - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2017 from Darlene LancerAnger hurts. It’s a reaction to not getting what we want or need. Anger escalates to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened. It could be physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it’s because we’re ...
Views: 1555(2 votes) - THE TRAUMA OF CHILDREN OF ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS - by Submitted on Aug 13, 2017 from Darlene LancerLiving with an addict (including alcoholics[1]) can feel like life in a war zone. The addict’s personality changes caused by addiction create chaos. Family dynamics are organized around the substance abuser, who acts like a tyrant, denying that drinking or using is a problem, while issuing ...
Views: 1539(3 votes) - Is Your Heart Committed? Is His? - by Submitted on Nov 16, 2010 from Darlene LancerWomen, in particular, are looking for commitment. Hollywood, the media, and dating websites all focus on getting a marriage proposal. The art of seduction pre-dates expert Cleopatra. Dozens of books have been written about getting an unavailable man to say, “I do.” For six years, Carrie Bradshaw ...
Views: 1536(1 vote) - What You Should Know about Narcissists, Their Partners, & NPD - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerPoor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in pool of water and died hungering for its response. Narcissism was named for him. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common ...
Views: 1509(3 votes) - OBJECTIFYING WOMEN SHAMES EVERYONE - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2017 from Darlene LancerPervasiveness revelations of sexual harassment and assault have surprised most men, but not women. However, both genders are largely unaware of the damaging impact that objectification of women can cause. It perpetuates a cycle of shame in both men and women. Even if never overtly harassed or ...
Views: 1506(3 votes) - Are you a People-Pleaser? - by Submitted on Jun 20, 2014 from Darlene LancerEveryone starts out in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. It’s in our DNA. Some of us figure out that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow someone else’s needs and feelings take precedence. This works for a while. It feels natural, and there’s less ...
Views: 1501 - The Do's and Don'ts of Divorce - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2011 from Darlene LancerMany divorces go along smoothly, but when problems occur, they usually reflect the dynamics that didn’t work in the marriage – only made worse, because divorce is one of the biggest crises you may go through. Emotions, especially fear and anger, are at their peak.There are definite pitfalls to ...
Views: 1498(3 votes) - 5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Jan 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerPeople are easily charmed by a narcissist, especially codependents. Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. I’ve had a number of clients who claimed that the courtship with their narcissistic ...
Views: 1496(3 votes) - SELF-CRITICISM - SELF-ESTEEM'S SABOTEUR - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerWomen are notorious at finding fault with themselves. A Dove study last year found that over 40 percent of women are unhappy with their looks, and over two-thirds suffer low confidence about their bodies. Many blamed the airbrushed, ideal models for setting unrealistic, unattainable standards. ...
Views: 1493(2 votes) - How to Spot Manipulation - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerWe all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in ...
Views: 1429 - PARENTING GUIDELINES AFTER DIVORCE - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene Lancer1. Tell your children the truth, with simple explanations. Tell them where the other parent is. 2. Don’t bring up grievances or speaking derogatorily about the other parent to or in front of your children. 3. Don't discuss financial, legal or other disputes with your children. 4. Don’t ...
Views: 1424(3 votes) - Can You Love Too Much? - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerConventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we ...
Views: 1412(1 vote) - DENIAL OF BAD BEHAVIOR – WHAT YOU CAN DO - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerDenial is serious. It’s a refusal to acknowledge truth or reality. It can have benefits, but denial can also be our undoing and have life-threatening consequences. It affects not only individuals. Denial in the form of "group-think" can dangerously take over families and entire groups. ...
Views: 1385(2 votes) - Is Your Relationship in Trouble? - by Submitted on Nov 03, 2013 from Darlene LancerGood relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill ...
Views: 1375(2 votes) - Self-Forgiveness - Is Your Guilt True or False? - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerWe all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that ...
Views: 1372(1 vote) - Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist - by Submitted on May 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerDespite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. Poor Narcissus The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. ...
Views: 1366(2 votes) - BEWARE OF THE DARK TRIAD - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerThink of the Dark Triad of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism as the Bermuda Triangle – it’s perilous to get near it! The traits of all three often overlap and create personality profiles that are damaging and toxic, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, where we let our ...
Views: 1345(2 votes) - Unexpected Trauma after Abuse - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerCodependency robs us of a self and self-love. We’ve learned to conceal who we really are, because we grew up pleasing, rebelling against, or withdrawing from dysfunctional parents. This sets us up for trauma. As adults, even if we’re successful in some areas, our emotional life isn’t easy. ...
Views: 1312(2 votes) - Your Intimacy Index - How to Improve Your Intimacy - by Submitted on Nov 25, 2011 from Darlene LancerThere’s a lot of confusion about intimacy, what it really is, and how to make it happen. There’re couples married decades who can be physically close, but don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means ...
Views: 1311(2 votes) - Need-Fulfillment is the Key to Happiness - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerThe key to happiness is meeting our needs. Although codependents are very good at meeting the needs of other people, many are clueless about their own needs. They have problems identifying, expressing, and fulfilling their needs and wants. They're usually very attuned other people and may even ...
Views: 1282(2 votes) - HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But you don't want to fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared for, and unimportant. Typically, a narcissist’s criticism, ...
Views: 1266(2 votes) - Do's and Don'ts in Confronting Abuse | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2018 from Darlene LancerAbuse is about having power over someone. Abusers typically want to feel superior and to control and dominate. To them, communication is not about understanding. It’s a win-lose game. They use verbal abuse and/or violence to accomplish this. They’re frequently self-centered, impatient, ...
Views: 1257(3 votes) - How to Beat Perfectionism - by Submitted on Aug 12, 2017 from Darlene LancerPerfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. It can become a painful, inescapable trap. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships. At worse, it can be dehumanizing and compromise our ability to ...
Views: 1255(2 votes) - HOW SHAME FEELS AND WHAT MAKES IT TOXIC - by Submitted on Oct 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerSprawled on the hallway floor, skirt flying, hitting and kicking, I wrestled with Tina before a crowd of junior high school schoolmates, including a dozen boys from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her cohorts had taunted and insulted me ...
Views: 1238(2 votes) - NARCISSISTS ARE CODEPENDENT, TOO - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2017 from Darlene LancerWriters often distinguish narcissists (someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and codependents as opposites, but surprisingly, though their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core codependent symptoms of shame, denial, ...
Views: 1224(3 votes) - Breaking-Up: Should You Leave Or Can you get the Change You Want? - by Submitted on Jan 11, 2011 from Darlene LancerIs your relationship or marriage just, well, so-so? Maybe you’re not sure if you still love or ever loved your partner? Maybe he or she has many good traits – is kind, or generous, funny, or the sex is great. She’s gorgeous, or he showers you with kindness – but something is missing. Maybe your ...
Views: 1222(3 votes) - How to Leave a Narcissist or Abuser - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerWhen we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse. Although you're unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, ...
Views: 1188(2 votes) - DISCOVER YOUR TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure and wonder how others perceive them. Many tell me they don’t really know themselves. They’ve become people-pleasers, editing what they say and adapting their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice ...
Views: 1184(3 votes) - DEPROGRAMMING CODEPENDENT BELIEFS - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough. This is ...
Views: 1161(1 vote) - LOVE BOMBING AND NARCISSISTIC ATTACHMENT - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerGetting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right―our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. ...
Views: 1156(2 votes) - SIBLING BULLYING AND ABUSE: A HIDDEN EPIDEMIC - by Submitted on Jan 04, 2020 from Darlene LancerSibling abuse is the most common but least reported abuse in the family. Prevalence is higher than spousal or child abuse combined with consequences well into adulthood similar parent-child abuse. Up to 80 percent of youth experience some form of sibling maltreatment; yet, it’s been called the ...
Views: 1140(2 votes) - The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love - by Submitted on Nov 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerMost relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find love and sabotage it in our relationships. In ...
Views: 1110(2 votes) - Do I have to Lose My Self to Love You? | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on May 09, 2018 from Darlene LancerAs codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it's devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood. The struggle to achieve it is typical of ...
Views: 1095(2 votes) - CAN A NARCISSIST LOVE? - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerAnyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes ...
Views: 1091(1 vote) - Signs of Serious Relationship Problems - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerGood relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill ...
Views: 1089(2 votes) - Therapy for NPD and Narcissists - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 1087(2 votes) - COMBAT NARCISSISTS’ AND ABUSERS’ PRIMARY WEAPON: PROJECTION - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2019 from Darlene LancerProjection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When we project, we are defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, either positive or ...
Views: 1085(3 votes) - REALITY ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK! HOW COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS HARM US - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe all see reality through a personal lens shaped by our beliefs, culture, religion, and experiences. The movie Roshomon was a brilliant example of this, where three witnesses to a crime recount different versions of what happened. When couples argue, they usually can’t agree on the facts of ...
Views: 1070(3 votes) - Can a Narcissist Benefit from Psychotherapy? - by Submitted on May 29, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 1066(3 votes) - WHY AND HOW NARCISSISTS PLAY GAMES - by Submitted on Jan 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerTo a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It's a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don't intrude. In relationships, narcissists focus on their goal. For a male narcissist, that's usually sex ...
Views: 1054(3 votes) - WHY NARCISSISTS ACT THE WAY THEY DO - by Submitted on May 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be ...
Views: 1052(2 votes) - 4 TYPES OF NARCISSISM SHARE A CORE TRAIT - by Submitted on Aug 29, 2020 from Darlene LancerThere are four major types of narcissism. Researchers have been hunting for the core of narcissism that all narcissists share despite varying symptoms and severity. Narcissists use a variety of tactics and defenses to keep you insecure and ensure their status and their needs are met. It’s easy ...
Views: 1024(2 votes) - How to Detach and Let Go with Love - by Submitted on Apr 24, 2020 from Darlene LancerAlthough it’s painful to see our loved ones be self-destructive, detaching allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. Attachment and caring are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to people we love and care about, but codependent attachment causes us pain and ...
Views: 1022(2 votes) - COVERT TACTICS MANIPULATORS USE TO CONTROL AND CONFUSE YOU - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany of us don't recognize manipulators or even realize they're trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands ...
Views: 999(3 votes) - Why You Were Ghosted and What to Do - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerRejection and breakups are hard enough, but being ghosted can be traumatic. It can leave you with unanswered questions that make it hard to move on. Although ghosting also occurs in friendships, it’s usually associated with dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears ...
Views: 988(2 votes) - Relationship as a Spiritual Path - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerA relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow―a path to spiritual transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine when partners open to one another. The concept of spirituality derives from "spiritus," meaning vitality or ...
Views: 984(2 votes) - How to Feel Grateful When You Don't - by Submitted on Nov 22, 2020 from Darlene LancerThe expectation of feeling grateful at Thanksgiving can be challenging when we’re struggling with loneliness or relationship, work or health problems. It can be even harder to have gratitude around the holidays, when we see other people happily celebrating. Some of us have a habit of focusing ...
Views: 958(2 votes) - Dating a Narcissist - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerYou won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a ...
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