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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- Relationship Anxiety - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerAnxiety is common at the beginning of a relationship, but relationship anxiety can continue for the long term. It refers to intense worry, fear, doubt, and insecurity about a relationship and is associated with interpersonal dependency and interpersonal avoidance. Insecurity about ourselves, our ...
Views: 453(2 votes) - Relationship as a Spiritual Path - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerWhat makes us "spiritual" beings? The concept of spirituality is derived from "spiritus," meaning vitality or the breath of life. When we are connected to that force, like an electric charge, our soul awakes; the more we stay connected to that energy, the stronger and more alive is our soul. ...
Views: 1721(1 vote) - Relationship as a Spiritual Path - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerA relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow―a path to spiritual transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine when partners open to one another. The concept of spirituality derives from "spiritus," meaning vitality or ...
Views: 984(2 votes) - Relationship Killers: Anger and Resentment - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2017 from Darlene LancerAnger hurts. It’s a reaction to not getting what we want or need. Anger escalates to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened. It could be physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it’s because we’re ...
Views: 1555(2 votes) - Secrets and Lies: The Damage of Deception - by Submitted on Jan 22, 2017 from Darlene LancerTrust is a fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships – sometimes irreparably. We all tell “white lies.” We say “I’m fine,” when we’re not, compliment unwanted gifts, or even fib, “The check is in the mail.” But in an intimate relationship, emotional ...
Views: 1777(1 vote) - SELF-CRITICISM - SELF-ESTEEM'S SABOTEUR - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerWomen are notorious at finding fault with themselves. A Dove study last year found that over 40 percent of women are unhappy with their looks, and over two-thirds suffer low confidence about their bodies. Many blamed the airbrushed, ideal models for setting unrealistic, unattainable standards. ...
Views: 1493(2 votes) - Self-Esteem: Why It Matters - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2010 from Darlene LancerMost women suffer from lack of self-confidence, even despite greater job and educational opportunities than ever before. Lack of self-esteem starts as early as nine years old for girls and steadily worsens in adolescence, even if they excel in school. Self-confidence is a manifestation of ...
Views: 1787(1 vote) - Self-Forgiveness - Is Your Guilt True or False? - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerWe all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that ...
Views: 1372(1 vote) - SEX AS MEDITATION - by Submitted on Sep 30, 2010 from Darlene LancerAll the times you’re disinterested in sex or just too tired, consider this: Sex doesn’t have to be about orgasm. Wrote Thoreau, “We need pray for no higher heaven than the pure senses can furnish, a purely sensuous life.” (The Writings of Henry David Thoreau, 1906). Yes, through lovemaking, ...
Views: 2575(1 vote) - Sexualty and Spirituality - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerThe Sexual Revolution, a la "Playboy", now behind us, as well as the Victorian attitudes which it rejected, perhaps we are ready for a new conception of sexuality, one not dividing, but embracing, both body and spirit. With few exceptions, such as the Tantric tradition, for centuries both ...
Views: 3099(1 vote) - SIBLING BULLYING AND ABUSE: A HIDDEN EPIDEMIC - by Submitted on Jan 04, 2020 from Darlene LancerSibling abuse is the most common but least reported abuse in the family. Prevalence is higher than spousal or child abuse combined with consequences well into adulthood similar parent-child abuse. Up to 80 percent of youth experience some form of sibling maltreatment; yet, it’s been called the ...
Views: 1140(2 votes) - Signs of Healthy Boundaries - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerHealthy boundaries are essential in recovery from codependency. They both build and reflect self-esteem. Learning to have healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of individuating and becoming an individual and autonomous person. Boundaries are learned in childhood. Some dysfunctional ...
Views: 450(2 votes) - Signs of lack of empathy and what you can do - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerA lack of empathy is not sufficient for a diagnosis of narcissism but it underlies several narcissistic traits, such as arrogance, entitlement, and being exploitative. On the other hand, a lack of empathy can be associated with borderline personality disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, and ...
Views: 311(2 votes) - Signs of Serious Relationship Problems - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerGood relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill ...
Views: 1089(2 votes) - SOCIOPATH OR NARCISSIST? - by Submitted on Nov 14, 2016 from Darlene LancerIf you’re in an abusive relationship, you may wonder if your partner is a narcissist or sociopath and whether or not the relationship will improve. If so, or if you recently ended such a relationship, it can undermine your self-esteem and ability to trust yourself and others. The labels ...
Views: 1684(1 vote) - Sons of Narcissistic Fathers - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2016 from Darlene LancerSons of narcissistic fathers are driven by lack of confidence. Raised by a self-centered, competitive, arrogant father, they feel like they can never measure up or be enough to garner their father’s approval. Their father may be absent or critical and controlling. He may belittle and shame his ...
Views: 1849(1 vote) - Soul Alignment - by Submitted on Jul 23, 2021 from Darlene LancerEverything on earth – including every species of plant and animal, and each individual person, plant, each flower, seed, and cell – is a materialization of supreme intelligence, the absolute, or the Godhead, which I refer to as the divine. Our soul is its conduit and unique manifestation. It ...
Views: 645(2 votes) - Soul Mates and Unconditional Love - by Submitted on May 05, 2015 from Darlene LancerAre you searching for a soul mate or unconditional love? Your quest can set you on an impossible journey to find an ideal partner. The problem is often twofold: No human being, nor any relationship can ever achieve perfection, and often unconditional and conditional love are ...
Views: 1614(1 vote) - STEPS OF CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2021 from Darlene LancerThe overall goal of codependency recovery is to become a full-functioning individual. That entails knowing, valuing, and trusting yourself, and expressing yourself in your life and relationships. It involves a complete makeover that impacts what you believe and how you think, feel, and act. (See ...
Views: 604(2 votes) - STEPS TO BE EMPOWERED AND NOT A VICTIM - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2016 from Darlene LancerIn recovery circles, being a “victim” is frowned upon. Decades ago, when I heard people say they were no longer a victim, I had no idea what they meant. Actually, a victim is an individual who has been fooled, hurt, or harmed, due to his or her own emotions or ignorance, an unfortunate event, or ...
Views: 1799(1 vote) - Symptoms of Children of Narcissists and Addicts - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerChildren of narcissists and addicts (all substance abusers) grow up in a stressful, dysfunctional family environment, which in most cases leads to codependency. Due to the symptoms and defenses related to substance abuse and narcissism, particularly impaired boundaries, lack of empathy, and mood ...
Views: 294(1 vote) - Tactics Narcissists Use to Gain Self-Esteem and Power - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2021 from Darlene LancerTo some degree, most of us desire to improve our social status and self-esteem, but narcissists feel compelled to. A recent study concluded that it’s their constant concern. More than most people, they look to others for “self-definition and self-esteem regulation; inflated or deflated ...
Views: 861(2 votes) - The Biggest Cause of Anxiety - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerAnxiety is apprehension of experiencing fear in the future. The danger feared isn’t imminent and may not even be known or realistic. In contrast, fear is an emotional and physical reaction to a present, known threat. Anxiety is typically characterized by obsessive worry and an inability to ...
Views: 1757(1 vote) - The Challenge of Forgiveness - by Submitted on Aug 12, 2016 from Darlene LancerForgiveness can sometimes feel impossible or even undesirable. Other times, we forgive only to be hurt again and conclude that forgiving was foolish. Both situations arise from confusion about what forgiveness really means. Forgiveness doesn’t require that we forget or condone another’s actions ...
Views: 1736(1 vote) - The Dark Side of Loneliness - by Submitted on Dec 29, 2015 from Darlene LancerMany people, especially codependents, are haunted by inner loneliness. Twenty percent (60 million) of Americans report that loneliness is the source of their suffering. In fact, our emotional reaction to rejection emanates from the area of our brain (the dorsal anterior cingulated) that also ...
Views: 1801(1 vote) - The Narcissistic Parent - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerA narcissistic parent behaves as they imagine themselves to be—the king or queen of the family, or someone whose activities are more important than being part of the family. As a child, your parents are your world until you’re able to leave home. Your survival and self-concept depend on them. A ...
Views: 649(2 votes) - The Narcissists' Hidden False Self - by Submitted on Mar 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissists have a false self. They're master illusionists. They behave like a little king or queen — whether bragging or sulking. Their whole personality is a charade crafted to deceive you into believing they are confident, superior, self-sufficient, likable, and caring. In studies, groups of ...
Views: 294(1 vote) - THE POWER OF SELF-TALK - by Submitted on Nov 15, 2017 from Darlene LancerAre you aware that you talk to yourself all the time? We all do. Our self-talk makes a huge difference in our lives for better or for worse. The question to ask yourself is whether your inner voice is your friend or foe. Our unconscious is impacted by the words we say in the same way that it ...
Views: 2105(2 votes) - The Signs and Effect of Emotional Incest - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2024 from Darlene LancerEmotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial development and into adulthood. Sometimes the targeted child is referred to as a “surrogate spouse,” due to parent-child enmeshment or a codependent parent-child ...
Views: 211(1 vote) - The Stages of Divorce - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerDivorce ranks just above death in severity of stress and is often combined with other stressors, such as marital discord, serious financial problems, a move, single parenting, multiple losses and litigation, all at once. It's a life cycle crisis that presents a crucial period of increased ...
Views: 1559(3 votes) - The Stages of Narcissistic Relationships - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissistic relationships often go through a painful cycle that is a predictable outgrowth of narcissistic personality disorder. Central to understanding a narcissist's behavior is that their relationships are transactional. Their impaired boundaries and lack of empathy prevent them from seeing ...
Views: 322(2 votes) - The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love - by Submitted on Nov 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerMost relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find love and sabotage it in our relationships. In ...
Views: 1110(2 votes) - THE TRAUMA OF CHILDREN OF ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS - by Submitted on Aug 13, 2017 from Darlene LancerLiving with an addict (including alcoholics[1]) can feel like life in a war zone. The addict’s personality changes caused by addiction create chaos. Family dynamics are organized around the substance abuser, who acts like a tyrant, denying that drinking or using is a problem, while issuing ...
Views: 1539(3 votes) - The Truth about Abusive Relationships - by Submitted on Apr 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerOver three million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year, and that includes men as well as women. One-fourth of U.S. women and one-third of women worldwide will experience violence in her lifetime. What isn’t talked about, but is serious, is emotional abuse that ranges from ...
Views: 1825(2 votes) - Therapy for NPD and Narcissists - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 1087(2 votes) - Three Secret Behaviors of Narcissists - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissists’ entire personality is a defense to help them manage their hidden insecurity and inner turmoil. There are three secret behaviors they do that aren’t immediately obvious, but if you think about them, they would make sense to you and explain their manifest behavior.These behaviors stem ...
Views: 287(1 vote) - To Trust or Mistrust - Part I - by Submitted on Jun 09, 2012 from Darlene LancerMany people claim that they trust others until they have reason not to, but when you first meet someone, you don’t know anything about their integrity or past conduct, except what they tell you. Trustworthiness is proven over time by actions, not only by words. You can get hurt by believing what ...
Views: 2585(2 votes) - Trauma and Codependency - by Submitted on May 06, 2016 from Darlene LancerYou can make significant strides in overcoming codependency by developing new attitudes, skills, and behavior. But deeper recovery may involve healing trauma, usually that began in childhood. Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional ...
Views: 1720(2 votes) - Trauma Recovery: A Blueprint and Strategies - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2024 from Darlene LancerMost codependents experience abandonment trauma in childhood, which can take many forms ranging from overt abuse to covert neglect. Even subtle signs that one of our parents does not listen to our thoughts, feelings, or needs send a message that we’re not valued for who we are as an individual. ...
Views: 237(1 vote) - Understanding the Mind of a Distancer - by Submitted on Apr 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerPursuer-distancer relationships cause a lot of heartache, especially for a pursuer. Learn about the mind of a distancer to understand your own or your partner's behavior so you won't take it personally.As codependants, we usually gravitate toward insecure relationships where we're a distancer or ...
Views: 269(1 vote) - Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist - by Submitted on May 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerDespite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. Poor Narcissus The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. ...
Views: 1366(2 votes) - Unexpected Trauma after Abuse - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerCodependency robs us of a self and self-love. We’ve learned to conceal who we really are, because we grew up pleasing, rebelling against, or withdrawing from dysfunctional parents. This sets us up for trauma. As adults, even if we’re successful in some areas, our emotional life isn’t easy. ...
Views: 1312(2 votes) - Unraveling Female Narcissism - by Submitted on Aug 23, 2024 from Darlene LancerFemale narcissists can be harder to spot; first, because they’re less numerous, and second, because their behavior may be less assertive and public compared to male narcissists. Male narcissists outnumber female narcissists nearly three to one. However, narcissistic personality disorder is on ...
Views: 188(1 vote) - What Is a Trauma Bond? - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerA trauma bond is an attachment to an abuser in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., coined the term in 1997. He defined it as an adaptive, dysfunctional attachment occurring in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation in order to survive. It is a trauma ...
Views: 677(2 votes) - What Is Generational Trauma – Mother Wounds - by Submitted on Feb 15, 2025 from Darlene LancerGenerational trauma is a form of trauma passed down to subsequent generations through environmental factors such as psychological transference and attachment behavior according to attachment theory. The psychological impact of a traumatic event, such as historical mistreatment, cultural ...
Views: 51(1 vote) - What is Narcissistic Abuse? - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2016 from Darlene LancerNarcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire. But deep down, narcissists feel the gap between the façade they show the world and their shame-based self. They work ...
Views: 2508(1 vote) - WHY AND HOW NARCISSISTS PLAY GAMES - by Submitted on Jan 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerTo a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It's a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don't intrude. In relationships, narcissists focus on their goal. For a male narcissist, that's usually sex ...
Views: 1054(3 votes) - WHY IT’S HARD TO RECEIVE - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerOften many people, in particular codependents, find it hard to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners. They might fantasize receiving, but keep right ...
Views: 585(2 votes) - WHY NARCISSISTS ACT THE WAY THEY DO - by Submitted on May 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be ...
Views: 1052(2 votes) - WHY ROMANCE TURNS TOXIC - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2018 from Darlene LancerMost everyone wants to fall in love, especially codependents. To us, love is perhaps the highest ideal, and relationships give our lives meaning and purpose. They enliven and motivate us. A partner provides a companion when we have difficulty initiating action on our own. Being loved also ...
Views: 1878(3 votes)