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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- What is Toxic Shame? - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerWhen shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It’s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that comes and goes, but when it's severe, it can be extremely painful. Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, ...
Views: 1909 - Coping with a Break-Up and Rejection - by Submitted on Aug 13, 2013 from Darlene LancerRejection and break-ups are especially hard for codependents. They can trigger hidden grief and cause irrational guilt, anger, shame, and fear. Working through the following issues can help you let go and move on. Codependents often blame themselves or their partner. They have low ...
Views: 1896(2 votes) - The Trap of Perfectionism - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2014 from Darlene LancerPerfectionism is an addiction, meaning we’re repeatedly unable to stop our perfectionist behaviors. Like other addictions, perfectionism varies in severity and can have negative consequences. It harms our self-esteem, make us unable to accept other people’s differences and their mistakes and ...
Views: 1880 - WHY ROMANCE TURNS TOXIC - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2018 from Darlene LancerMost everyone wants to fall in love, especially codependents. To us, love is perhaps the highest ideal, and relationships give our lives meaning and purpose. They enliven and motivate us. A partner provides a companion when we have difficulty initiating action on our own. Being loved also ...
Views: 1878(3 votes) - Affirming Your True, Authentic Self - by Submitted on Nov 30, 2013 from Darlene LancerEach time you affirm your true, authentic self, every cell in your body cheers “Yes!” When you negate yourself, it has negative biological consequences. To build self-esteem and affirm your true self, try this: Take action to meet your needs. Express who you really are. Think good thoughts ...
Views: 1877(1 vote) - NARCISSUS AND ECHO: THE HEARTBREAK OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH NARCISSISTS - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2017 from Darlene LancerThe poignant myth of Narcissus and Echo crystallizes the tragic problem of relationships with narcissists. They were tragic Greek characters in a story told by the Roman poet Ovid in Metamorphoses. Sadly, both partners are locked into a painful drama, where neither feel satisfied or sufficiently ...
Views: 1876(3 votes) - Sons of Narcissistic Fathers - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2016 from Darlene LancerSons of narcissistic fathers are driven by lack of confidence. Raised by a self-centered, competitive, arrogant father, they feel like they can never measure up or be enough to garner their father’s approval. Their father may be absent or critical and controlling. He may belittle and shame his ...
Views: 1849(1 vote) - Narcissistic Relationships - by Submitted on Mar 07, 2016 from Darlene LancerSince writing Codependency for Dummies, countless people contact me about their unhappiness and difficulties in dealing with a difficult loved one, frequently a narcissistic partner or parent who is uncooperative, selfish, cold, and often abusive. Partners of narcissists feel torn between their ...
Views: 1848(2 votes) - Recovery from Rejection and Break-Ups - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerBecause our nervous system is wired to need others, rejection is painful. Romantic rejection especially hurts. Feeling lonely and missing connection share the evolutionary purpose of survival and reproduction. Ideally, loneliness should encourage you reach out to others and maintain your ...
Views: 1848(1 vote) - How to Feel Grateful When You Don't - by Submitted on Nov 10, 2012 from Darlene LancerMany Americans struggling with health, financial, or emotional problems find it challenging to feel grateful around Thanksgiving. Some people always have a habit of looking at the negative. One reason for this is that our brains our predisposed to solve problems, and we take what makes us ...
Views: 1842(4 votes) - Love, Lust or Addiction? - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerWonder whether you’re in love or in lust? Whether your obsession about someone is a sign of love or addiction? Whether you’re staying in a troubled relationship because you’re addicted or in love? It’s complicated, and lust and love and addiction don’t always exclude one another. Endless ...
Views: 1840(1 vote) - Living With an Addict – Alcoholic - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerAlcohol Living with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often ...
Views: 1837(1 vote) - Getting Triggered and What You Can Do - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2017 from Darlene LancerGetting your "buttons" pushed or getting "triggered" is an opportunity to heal and grow. The more hurts we've endured and the weaker our boundaries, the more reactive we are to people and events. Our triggers - our buttons - are our wounds. Codependents are off the charts when it comes to ...
Views: 1833(2 votes) - Envy, Jealousy, and Shame - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerEnvy, jealousy, and shame are inextricably intertwined. Envy and jealousy are primal emotions that frequently overlap. They’re commonly first felt in the form of sibling rivalry and oedipal longings. A child innately wants mommy and daddy all to him or herself and feels “excluded” from the ...
Views: 1828(2 votes) - Depression and Women - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2010 from Darlene LancerLast year, a study reported that despite the improvement in women's lives, their happiness relative to men has declined since the '70s, when the reverse was true. This held true across racial and socio-economic lines in several industrialized countries. Women's happiness also declines with age. ...
Views: 1825(1 vote) - The Truth about Abusive Relationships - by Submitted on Apr 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerOver three million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year, and that includes men as well as women. One-fourth of U.S. women and one-third of women worldwide will experience violence in her lifetime. What isn’t talked about, but is serious, is emotional abuse that ranges from ...
Views: 1825(2 votes) - DIVORCE: A TRANSFORMATION PROCESS - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerThe emotional unbonding that can occur during divorce is the cornerstone for transformation and is my focus. The task of emotional separation involves unbonding romantic and dependent aspects of the relationship, and mourning. This is the stage where growth and transformation unfold. It includes ...
Views: 1816(1 vote) - Christmas Blues? Tips to Cope with the Holidays - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerThe stress of the holidays triggers sadness and depression for many people. This time of year is especially difficult because there’s an expectation of feeling merry and generous. People compare their emotions to what they assume others are experiencing or what they’re supposed to feel and then ...
Views: 1807(2 votes) - The Dark Side of Loneliness - by Submitted on Dec 29, 2015 from Darlene LancerMany people, especially codependents, are haunted by inner loneliness. Twenty percent (60 million) of Americans report that loneliness is the source of their suffering. In fact, our emotional reaction to rejection emanates from the area of our brain (the dorsal anterior cingulated) that also ...
Views: 1801(1 vote) - STEPS TO BE EMPOWERED AND NOT A VICTIM - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2016 from Darlene LancerIn recovery circles, being a “victim” is frowned upon. Decades ago, when I heard people say they were no longer a victim, I had no idea what they meant. Actually, a victim is an individual who has been fooled, hurt, or harmed, due to his or her own emotions or ignorance, an unfortunate event, or ...
Views: 1799(1 vote) - Self-Esteem: Why It Matters - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2010 from Darlene LancerMost women suffer from lack of self-confidence, even despite greater job and educational opportunities than ever before. Lack of self-esteem starts as early as nine years old for girls and steadily worsens in adolescence, even if they excel in school. Self-confidence is a manifestation of ...
Views: 1787(1 vote) - Loving a Borderline - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerCaring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. Being a borderline (having BPD) is no picnic, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time on the border between reality and ...
Views: 1777 - Secrets and Lies: The Damage of Deception - by Submitted on Jan 22, 2017 from Darlene LancerTrust is a fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships – sometimes irreparably. We all tell “white lies.” We say “I’m fine,” when we’re not, compliment unwanted gifts, or even fib, “The check is in the mail.” But in an intimate relationship, emotional ...
Views: 1777(1 vote) - AUTHENTICITY HEALS: 6 STEPS TO BEING AUTHENTIC - by Submitted on Jun 11, 2017 from Darlene LancerAuthenticity is the opposite of shame. It reveals our humanity and allows us to connect with others. Shame creates most all codependency symptoms – including hiding who we are, sacrificing our needs, and saying yes when we rather not – all to be accepted by someone else. It warps our ...
Views: 1772(2 votes) - Self-Forgiveness and Letting Go of Guilt - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2013 from Darlene LancerGuilt is good. Yes! Guilt actually encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Self-forgiveness following guilt is self-essential to esteem, which is key to enjoyment of life and relationships. Yet, for many, self-acceptance remains ...
Views: 1771 - The Biggest Cause of Anxiety - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerAnxiety is apprehension of experiencing fear in the future. The danger feared isn’t imminent and may not even be known or realistic. In contrast, fear is an emotional and physical reaction to a present, known threat. Anxiety is typically characterized by obsessive worry and an inability to ...
Views: 1757(1 vote) - Is Your Relationship Toxic? - by Submitted on Mar 25, 2017 from Darlene LancerHealthy relationships nourish and support us. Like poison, a toxic relationship is one that is damaging to us. Instead of uplifting us, it makes us feel worse. When it ends, we might experience post-traumatic stress or a lessening of our self-esteem and trust in ourselves and others. Although ...
Views: 1743(2 votes) - Overcoming Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 03, 2013 from Darlene LancerCodependency is learned – learned inaccurate information that you’re in some way not enough, that you don’t matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don’t deserve respect. These are the false beliefs that most codependents grow up with. They may not have been told these things directly, ...
Views: 1742(1 vote) - Are You Stuck in a Woman’s Role? - by Submitted on Nov 04, 2010 from Darlene LancerWomen assume many roles throughout their lives – as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and grandmothers. Women’s roles have been largely determined by the rules and expectations of culture, religion, and the patriarchy, as well as biology. Have you considered to what extent your roles have ...
Views: 1740(3 votes) - The Challenge of Forgiveness - by Submitted on Aug 12, 2016 from Darlene LancerForgiveness can sometimes feel impossible or even undesirable. Other times, we forgive only to be hurt again and conclude that forgiving was foolish. Both situations arise from confusion about what forgiveness really means. Forgiveness doesn’t require that we forget or condone another’s actions ...
Views: 1736(1 vote) - Relationship as a Spiritual Path - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerWhat makes us "spiritual" beings? The concept of spirituality is derived from "spiritus," meaning vitality or the breath of life. When we are connected to that force, like an electric charge, our soul awakes; the more we stay connected to that energy, the stronger and more alive is our soul. ...
Views: 1721(1 vote) - Trauma and Codependency - by Submitted on May 06, 2016 from Darlene LancerYou can make significant strides in overcoming codependency by developing new attitudes, skills, and behavior. But deeper recovery may involve healing trauma, usually that began in childhood. Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional ...
Views: 1720(2 votes) - Breaking the Cycle of Abandonment - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerIf you're discontented in a relationship or go from one to another or even remain unhappily alone, you may be caught in a worsening cycle of abandonment. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. Loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, and illness is ...
Views: 1715(1 vote) - CAESAREAN BiRTHS - ARE WOMEN TOLD THE TRUTH? - by Submitted on Sep 30, 2010 from Darlene LancerCaesarian sections in the U.S. hit a record high for the eleventh year in a row - averaging about one-third of births nationally, up from 26 percent in 2002 and 5 percent in 1970. The rate is 36 percent in New York (45 percent at Albany Medical Center) and 39 percent in Florida (50 percent in ...
Views: 1701(2 votes) - Is Your Partner Passive-aggressive? - by Submitted on Jun 29, 2017 from Darlene LancerPassive-aggressive people act passive, but are covertly aggressive. They’re basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you ...
Views: 1693(3 votes) - Do You Feel Trapped in a Relationship? - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2013 from Darlene LancerDo you feel trapped in a relationship you can’t leave? Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for many reasons; however, the feeling of suffocation or of ...
Views: 1686 - Marriage after Sobriety - by Submitted on May 16, 2017 from Darlene LancerWhen long-awaited sobriety finally arrives, partners expect their past relationship problems will disappear. Often, there is a “honeymoon” period when they’re on their best behavior and reaffirm their love and commitment. After all that they’ve been through together, they have high hopes for a ...
Views: 1685(2 votes) - SOCIOPATH OR NARCISSIST? - by Submitted on Nov 14, 2016 from Darlene LancerIf you’re in an abusive relationship, you may wonder if your partner is a narcissist or sociopath and whether or not the relationship will improve. If so, or if you recently ended such a relationship, it can undermine your self-esteem and ability to trust yourself and others. The labels ...
Views: 1684(1 vote) - Are you in Denial? - by Submitted on Jul 26, 2014 from Darlene LancerWe’re all in denial. We’d barely get through the day if we worried that we or people we love could die today. Life is unpredictable, and denial helps us cope and focus on what we must in order to survive. On the other hand, denial harms us when it causes us to ignore problems for which there are ...
Views: 1673(1 vote) - BREAKUP RECOVERY - by Submitted on Jun 18, 2016 from Darlene LancerBreakups can be severely painful. Love stimulates such powerful and pleasurable neuro-chemicals that rejection can feel like withdrawal from a drug. It can compel us to engage in obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, even in animals. Rejection and breakups are especially hard for ...
Views: 1673(1 vote) - HOW TO HANDLE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE - by Submitted on Jun 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe’re all capable of abuse when we’re frustrated or hurt. We may be guilty of criticizing, judging, withholding, and controlling, but some abusers, including narcissists, take abuse to a different level. Narcissistic Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and/or spiritual. ...
Views: 1671(2 votes) - HOW TO IDENTIFY AND DEAL WITH TOXIC PARENTS - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerToxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live ...
Views: 1652(2 votes) - Obsessions and Love Addiction - by Submitted on Jun 04, 2014 from Darlene LancerWhen an obsession dominates us, it steals our will and saps all the pleasure out of life. We become numb to people and events, while our mind replays the same dialogue images, or words. In a conversation, we have little interest in what the other person is saying and soon talk about our ...
Views: 1651 - Maria Shriver: Hold Your Head High - by Submitted on May 20, 2011 from Darlene LancerIt's must be cellular that a woman automatically feels humiliated when her man cheats. Maria has done nothing to be ashamed of. Too often, women feel embarrassed for their husbands' behavior, whether it's domestic violence, emotional abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, gambling, or sex addiction, ...
Views: 1648(2 votes) - Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Partner - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerPassive-aggressive people act passive, but express aggression covertly. They're basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are ...
Views: 1639(1 vote) - Your Intimacy Index - How to Improve Your Intimacy - by Submitted on Nov 25, 2011 from Darlene LancerThere’s a lot of confusion about intimacy, what it really is, and how to make it happen. There’re couples married decades who can be physically close, but don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means ...
Views: 1619(3 votes) - Is Your Guilt True or False? - by Submitted on Dec 29, 2015 from Darlene LancerWe all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that ...
Views: 1616(1 vote) - Soul Mates and Unconditional Love - by Submitted on May 05, 2015 from Darlene LancerAre you searching for a soul mate or unconditional love? Your quest can set you on an impossible journey to find an ideal partner. The problem is often twofold: No human being, nor any relationship can ever achieve perfection, and often unconditional and conditional love are ...
Views: 1614(1 vote) - 6 Best Tips for a Great Valentine's Day - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2016 from Darlene LancerValentine’s Day creates a lot of expectations that are often unrealized. It's fraught with landmines, whether you’re in or out of a relationship, the grass isn’t always greener. Is your situation described here? Read six tips to having a great holiday. You’re Alone I can recall Valentine’s ...
Views: 1596(3 votes) - Is Your Family Dysfunctional? - by Submitted on May 06, 2011 from Darlene LancerProbably, and you’re in the majority. The term “dysfunctional family,” once used only by professionals, has become popular jargon in America where dysfunctional families are the norm due to cultural values, a high divorce rate, and widespread addictions – from prescription drugs to exercising, ...
Views: 1577(3 votes)