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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- Do's and Don'ts in Confronting Abuse | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2018 from Darlene LancerAbuse is about having power over someone. Abusers typically want to feel superior and to control and dominate. To them, communication is not about understanding. It’s a win-lose game. They use verbal abuse and/or violence to accomplish this. They’re frequently self-centered, impatient, ...
Views: 1257(3 votes) - Dreams: The Doorway to Your Soul - by Submitted on Nov 02, 2010 from Darlene LancerDreams are the “Royal Road to the Unconscious,” said Freud. What you don’t know controls you. Your unconscious beliefs, fears, motives, and desires can thwart your goals, your health, and relationships. By understanding and learning to trust the messages in your dreams, you are communicating ...
Views: 2269(1 vote) - Dysthymia (Chronic Depression) and Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 10, 2015 from Darlene LancerDysthymia or chronic depression is a common symptom of codependency; however, many codependents aren’t aware that they’re depressed. Because the symptoms are mild, most people with chronic depression wait ten years before seeking treatment.Dysthymia doesn’t usually impair daily functioning, but ...
Views: 2053(1 vote) - Emotional Abuse: Beneath Your Radar? - by Submitted on Dec 03, 2010 from Darlene LancerThere are three million cases of domestic violence reported each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Although both men and women may abuse others, an enormous number of women are subjected to emotional abuse. Unfortunately, many don’t even ...
Views: 2976(3 votes) - Getting Triggered and What You Can Do - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2017 from Darlene LancerGetting your "buttons" pushed or getting "triggered" is an opportunity to heal and grow. The more hurts we've endured and the weaker our boundaries, the more reactive we are to people and events. Our triggers - our buttons - are our wounds. Codependents are off the charts when it comes to ...
Views: 1833(2 votes) - Growing Through Divorce - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerDivorce is a process of separation and transformation - a process that long precedes the dissolution decree. It is important to understand its stages, the cognitive, emotional, physical, legal and spiritual, which, if worked through, can substantially lessen the painful aftermath. ...
Views: 3997(1 vote) - Growth and Healing in Recovery - by Submitted on Jan 13, 2025 from Darlene LancerHealing is not linear or categorizable but is an obscure odyssey of the soul that meanders, stagnates, and has ups and downs. It warps time, intertwining our past and present, perspectives, relationships, and emotional struggles. For me, writing has been a gratifying and powerful healing tool ...
Views: 73(1 vote) - Healing In Relationships - by Submitted on Nov 09, 2024 from Darlene LancerEven before we enter the world, our brains and hormones are wired for connection. Our first relationship begins in our mother’s womb, where we recognize her voice and respond to her moods through hormones and stress responses. Later, her smell and touch become familiar. Affection and responsive ...
Views: 126(1 vote) - Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 23, 2020 from Darlene LancerCodependency is more than a relationship problem. It wounds our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. The wounds of codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our ...
Views: 834(2 votes) - Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child - by Submitted on Jul 30, 2023 from Darlene LancerWe all have an “inner child,” which is an unconscious archetype coined by Carl Jung. It holds our vulnerability, spontaneity, creativity, curiosity, and magical ideas. It also holds fears, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and insecurity experienced growing up and is a vital part in healing ...
Views: 398(2 votes) - Hidden Truth About Codependent Relationships - by Submitted on Sep 14, 2024 from Darlene LancerThere’s a saying, “The ending is in the beginning.” Codependent relationship problems start with their low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, and their idealization of love — that it will solve their deeper problems, including shame, which generates beliefs such as: “If I’m loved, I’m lovable,” ...
Views: 169(1 vote) - HOW SHAME FEELS AND WHAT MAKES IT TOXIC - by Submitted on Oct 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerSprawled on the hallway floor, skirt flying, hitting and kicking, I wrestled with Tina before a crowd of junior high school schoolmates, including a dozen boys from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her cohorts had taunted and insulted me ...
Views: 1238(2 votes) - How to Beat Perfectionism - by Submitted on Aug 12, 2017 from Darlene LancerPerfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. It can become a painful, inescapable trap. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships. At worse, it can be dehumanizing and compromise our ability to ...
Views: 1255(2 votes) - How to Detach and Let Go with Love - by Submitted on Apr 24, 2020 from Darlene LancerAlthough it’s painful to see our loved ones be self-destructive, detaching allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. Attachment and caring are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to people we love and care about, but codependent attachment causes us pain and ...
Views: 1022(2 votes) - How to Feel Grateful When You Don't - by Submitted on Nov 22, 2020 from Darlene LancerThe expectation of feeling grateful at Thanksgiving can be challenging when we’re struggling with loneliness or relationship, work or health problems. It can be even harder to have gratitude around the holidays, when we see other people happily celebrating. Some of us have a habit of focusing ...
Views: 958(2 votes) - HOW TO HANDLE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE - by Submitted on Jun 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe’re all capable of abuse when we’re frustrated or hurt. We may be guilty of criticizing, judging, withholding, and controlling, but some abusers, including narcissists, take abuse to a different level. Narcissistic Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and/or spiritual. ...
Views: 1671(2 votes) - HOW TO HAVE BOUNDARIES IN THE PANDEMIC - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerMaintaining boundaries is challenging for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantined with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could at least create physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even taking ...
Views: 664(2 votes) - How to Identify and Combat Gaslighting - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerIdentifying gaslighting behavior and knowing how to combat gaslighting are essential to maintaining your self-esteem, and mental and emotional health.Gaslighting is a form of narcissistic abuse that's used not only by narcissists, but also by sociopaths, addicts, and other abusers. Sometimes ...
Views: 285(1 vote) - HOW TO IDENTIFY AND DEAL WITH TOXIC PARENTS - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerToxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live ...
Views: 1652(2 votes) - How to Leave a Narcissist or Abuser - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerWhen we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse. Although you're unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, ...
Views: 1188(2 votes) - How to Raise Your Self-Esteem - What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Nov 12, 2016 from Darlene LancerSelf-esteem is key to success in work, and enjoyment of life and relationships. It affects our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and how we handle life's challenges. Low self-esteem underlies addiction, anxiety, depression, abuse, intimacy problems, and codependency. Our self-esteem is usually ...
Views: 2067(2 votes) - HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But you don't want to fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared for, and unimportant. Typically, a narcissist’s criticism, ...
Views: 1266(2 votes) - HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE WILLFUL OR STRONG WILLED - by Submitted on Jun 18, 2020 from Darlene LancerStrong-willed people are successful, yet those who are willful often sabotage success. Willful individuals can be fiercely stubborn in their opinions and pursuit of their goals, ignoring what other people think and need. They often fiercely force their will despite obstacles or negative ...
Views: 884(2 votes) - Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon to True Self - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerWhen we first met, I told my husband I was very adaptable. I didn’t realize the price of being a chameleon until I started recovery and my journey of individuation. By then I was dead inside. I’d spent years adapting to abuse and belittling that I’d absorbed. I was detached from my feelings and ...
Views: 446(2 votes) - Is My Relationship Toxic? - by Submitted on Jul 30, 2023 from Darlene LancerIt's a question I hear over and over from people ... "Is my relationship toxic?" Healthy relationships nourish and support us. Like poison, a toxic relationship is one that is damaging to us. Instead of uplifting us, it makes us feel worse. When it ends, we might experience trauma, ...
Views: 424(1 vote) - Is Your Guilt True or False? - by Submitted on Dec 29, 2015 from Darlene LancerWe all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that ...
Views: 1616(1 vote) - Is Your Heart Committed? Is His? - by Submitted on Nov 16, 2010 from Darlene LancerWomen, in particular, are looking for commitment. Hollywood, the media, and dating websites all focus on getting a marriage proposal. The art of seduction pre-dates expert Cleopatra. Dozens of books have been written about getting an unavailable man to say, “I do.” For six years, Carrie Bradshaw ...
Views: 1536(1 vote) - Is Your Partner Passive-aggressive? - by Submitted on Jun 29, 2017 from Darlene LancerPassive-aggressive people act passive, but are covertly aggressive. They’re basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you ...
Views: 1693(3 votes) - Is Your Relationship Toxic? - by Submitted on Mar 25, 2017 from Darlene LancerHealthy relationships nourish and support us. Like poison, a toxic relationship is one that is damaging to us. Instead of uplifting us, it makes us feel worse. When it ends, we might experience post-traumatic stress or a lessening of our self-esteem and trust in ourselves and others. Although ...
Views: 1743(2 votes) - LEARNED HELPLESSNESS IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2021 from Darlene LancerWe can feel hopeless and helpless when we experience chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else’s addiction that feels powerless to change. You might be experiencing a debilitating ...
Views: 591(2 votes) - Living With an Addict – Alcoholic - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerAlcohol Living with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often ...
Views: 1837(1 vote) - LOSSES OF DIVORCE: LETTING GO and MOVING ON - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerEven if you wanted the divorce, it entails loss. Aside from the ending of the relationship with your spouse, you may be losing your home, time with your children, in-laws, extended family, and even friends. There are inevitable financial losses, loneliness, a change of lifestyle, imagined ...
Views: 2028(1 vote) - LOVE BOMBING AND NARCISSISTIC ATTACHMENT - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerGetting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right―our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. ...
Views: 1156(2 votes) - Maria Shriver: Hold Your Head High - by Submitted on May 20, 2011 from Darlene LancerIt's must be cellular that a woman automatically feels humiliated when her man cheats. Maria has done nothing to be ashamed of. Too often, women feel embarrassed for their husbands' behavior, whether it's domestic violence, emotional abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, gambling, or sex addiction, ...
Views: 1648(2 votes) - Marriage after Sobriety - by Submitted on May 16, 2017 from Darlene LancerWhen long-awaited sobriety finally arrives, partners expect their past relationship problems will disappear. Often, there is a “honeymoon” period when they’re on their best behavior and reaffirm their love and commitment. After all that they’ve been through together, they have high hopes for a ...
Views: 1685(2 votes) - Myths about Narcissism - by Submitted on Nov 28, 2023 from Darlene LancerResearch on narcissistic personality disorder has substantially increased in the last 20 years, and the public discourse on narcissism has exploded, but it is often inaccurate. Many social media spokespersons (both narcissists and their victims) generalize their personal experiences to all ...
Views: 357(1 vote) - Narcissism, Trump-isms, and Realism: The Narcissist's Illusion of Grandiosity - by Submitted on Oct 14, 2015 from Darlene LancerDonald Trump has grown an empire of wealth and power, but is it enough? He admits that it isn’t the money that motivates him. (The Art of the Deal, 1987) What drives narcissists are their fears of feeling weak, vulnerable, or inferior. Consequently, for male narcissists in particular, achieving ...
Views: 2055(1 vote) - Narcissistic Relationships - by Submitted on Mar 07, 2016 from Darlene LancerSince writing Codependency for Dummies, countless people contact me about their unhappiness and difficulties in dealing with a difficult loved one, frequently a narcissistic partner or parent who is uncooperative, selfish, cold, and often abusive. Partners of narcissists feel torn between their ...
Views: 1848(2 votes) - NARCISSISTS ARE CODEPENDENT, TOO - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2017 from Darlene LancerWriters often distinguish narcissists (someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and codependents as opposites, but surprisingly, though their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core codependent symptoms of shame, denial, ...
Views: 1224(3 votes) - Narcissists' Dirty Little Secret - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerYou won’t guess abusers’ dirty little secret – the one thing narcissists and abusers don’t want you to know. In fact, they find it so shameful that most of them won’t admit it even to themselves. They hide it behind their abuse and bluster, their braggadocio, and their arrogance. People are ...
Views: 626(2 votes) - NARCISSUS AND ECHO: THE HEARTBREAK OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH NARCISSISTS - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2017 from Darlene LancerThe poignant myth of Narcissus and Echo crystallizes the tragic problem of relationships with narcissists. They were tragic Greek characters in a story told by the Roman poet Ovid in Metamorphoses. Sadly, both partners are locked into a painful drama, where neither feel satisfied or sufficiently ...
Views: 1876(3 votes) - Natural Trauma Healing – Less is More - by Submitted on May 04, 2025 from Darlene LancerThe conversation around trauma has become mainstream, as people seek to understand the effects of stress and emotional wounding on the body and mind. Countless books and studies have brought vital insights, exploring how trauma lodges in the nervous system and impacts our sense of safety, ...
Views: 3(1 vote) - Need-Fulfillment is the Key to Happiness - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerThe key to happiness is meeting our needs. Although codependents are very good at meeting the needs of other people, many are clueless about their own needs. They have problems identifying, expressing, and fulfilling their needs and wants. They're usually very attuned other people and may even ...
Views: 1282(2 votes) - OBJECTIFYING WOMEN SHAMES EVERYONE - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2017 from Darlene LancerPervasiveness revelations of sexual harassment and assault have surprised most men, but not women. However, both genders are largely unaware of the damaging impact that objectification of women can cause. It perpetuates a cycle of shame in both men and women. Even if never overtly harassed or ...
Views: 1506(3 votes) - Overcoming Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 03, 2013 from Darlene LancerCodependency is learned – learned inaccurate information that you’re in some way not enough, that you don’t matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don’t deserve respect. These are the false beliefs that most codependents grow up with. They may not have been told these things directly, ...
Views: 1742(1 vote) - Profile of a Narcissist Attractor - by Submitted on Mar 16, 2025 from Darlene LancerOften a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were ...
Views: 29(1 vote) - REALITY ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK! HOW COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS HARM US - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe all see reality through a personal lens shaped by our beliefs, culture, religion, and experiences. The movie Roshomon was a brilliant example of this, where three witnesses to a crime recount different versions of what happened. When couples argue, they usually can’t agree on the facts of ...
Views: 1070(3 votes) - Rebuilding Trust - Part II - by Submitted on Apr 19, 2012 from Darlene LancerSatisfying relationships are built on a foundation of safety and trust that you won’t be hurt physically or emotionally. Whether you trust too little or too much is influenced by your past, but once trust is broken, your sense of safety is in jeopardy. You feel insecure and may begin to question ...
Views: 2507(2 votes) - Recovery from Rejection and Break-Ups - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerBecause our nervous system is wired to need others, rejection is painful. Romantic rejection especially hurts. Feeling lonely and missing connection share the evolutionary purpose of survival and reproduction. Ideally, loneliness should encourage you reach out to others and maintain your ...
Views: 1848(1 vote) - RECOVERY IN THE TWELVE STEPS - A SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION - by Submitted on Sep 25, 2010 from Darlene LancerMany mental health professionals do not understand the 12-Step recovery process, unless they have participated in a 12-Step program. Although they may encourage their clients to do so, they may feel perplexed or intimated, or act patronizing. Often, therapists don’t realize that the 12-Steps are ...
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