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Articles from Gary Direnfeld | Selfgrowth.com
- Instead of Litigation and the Inherent Conflict of Interest - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldYou are in conflict with your former partner. You see a family lawyer who tells you s/he can be of assistance. The lawyer offers to send a letter of introduction to your former partner or their lawyer and in so doing, sets the tone for the process of settlement. That first communication often ...
Views: 618 - Internet Complaints Against Mental Health Professionals - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2013 from Gary DirenfeldWorking with parents whose marriages are on the cusp of failure or already separated parents fighting it out over the care of their children is a challenging proposition for the mental health professional. Whether acting in the role of couple therapist, mediator, assessor, arbitrator or ...
Views: 833 - Introducing New Partner Too Fast, Too Soon - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldEven though a spouse may have contemplated separation for years prior to informing their partner, to the partner, the news comes as a shock, even in view of a tumultuous relationship. For the children, the shock is often even greater. To intensify matters befalling the children, the spouse who ...
Views: 1225 - Is Your Kid Safe with Technology? - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldDo you practice safe technology? If you think you do, think twice. There is no such thing. No matter what the privacy settings, whenever you use social media you are leaving a digital footprint of something. It can be as little as your location; who you are connected to; what you have just ...
Views: 624 - It’s Difficult for Many People to go to Counseling - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldCounseling remains a viable strategy to cope with or change issues affecting one’s life. However, there are often many hurdles ahead of attending. Those hurdles are related to fears, misconceptions and even horror stories about counseling. Fears include being labeled crazy or bad as well as ...
Views: 744 - Kids of Separated Parents: The Annual Holiday Access Dispute - by Submitted on Nov 27, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldKids of Separated Parents: The Annual Holiday Access Dispute Forget about the last minute gift shopping. The real issue for separated parents this season is who gets what time with the kids. With divorce seemingly as popular as marriage, more and more kids will be subject to the annual access ...
Views: 1202 - Managing a Family Member going Ballistic - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldIt almost doesn’t matter what triggered it. What matters is it is escalating out of control. Someone in your home is going ballistic. Someone is losing it and there is a risk of property damage and/or a physical altercation. It is already scary. Very scary. These are situations not to be ...
Views: 764 - Managing Child Behaviour - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldIn the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time out, loss of a privilege, ...
Views: 689 - Managing High Conflict Separated Parents - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldForget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Views: 1487 - Marriages On The Cusp - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldMarriages On The Cusp There are three general scenarios that bring couples to counselling. There are those couples that are jointly committed to the relationship and are seeking improvement. There are those couples that are jointly seeking to dissolve the relationship and are seeking to manage ...
Views: 725 - My Child is Odd - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldMy Child is Odd The child may act the class clown. The child may prefer to hang out with the adults. The child likely uses phrases, innuendo, jokes or sarcasm heard from others, but uses them inappropriately, at the wrong time, with the wrong persons. The child has a poor sense of boundaries, ...
Views: 798 - My Dad on Remembrance Day - by Submitted on Nov 08, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldMy dad was a veteran. He fought overseas in WW2. He was in the Canadian Intelligence Service and essentially, was a spy chaser. He was stationed a good part of his service in Italy where he learned to speak fluent Italian. He and one of his buddies arrested an Italian woman thought to be a ...
Views: 696 - Need Help Parenting a Teen? - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldSome parents of teens confuse their parenting role with that of friend. In so doing, they abdicate their parental authority and minimize their ability to provide direction, guidance, limits and structure. In such cases parents may feel their teenaged son or daughter must like them. The parent ...
Views: 763 - Normal Childhood Behaviour Misconstrued - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldNormal Childhood Behaviour Misconstrued There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. So too of childhood behaviour and incidents; they may be simply within the range of normal childhood life. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, the ...
Views: 868 - On Coping with Death… Now imagine you are a child. - by Submitted on Mar 11, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldOn Coping with Death… Death. It hits hard and with a loved one, no matter what the preparation, the loss is heartfelt. Now imagine you are a child. Coping with the death of a parent in childhood will be different depending on the age of the child and the nature of the relationship. While all ...
Views: 1275 - Parental Guilt and Kids with Special Needs - by Submitted on Nov 09, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldParental Guilt and Kids with Special Needs For the most part pregnancies are met with the anticipation of a good delivery and healthy baby. Upon delivery parents do a quick scan of the child checking for ten fingers, ten toes and if unknown, a check of the genitals to determine gender. A ...
Views: 536 - Parental Peace – The Real Christmas Gift for Kids - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2013 from Gary DirenfeldEven though parents argue as to the best residential schedule, choice of school, faith, holiday time, Christmas and extra-curricular activities, these issues are simply not as predictive for the outcome of children of separated parents as conflict alone. More to the point, the greater the ...
Views: 901 - Parental Separation: Who Do You See? - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldThere is a dynamic that naturally evolves when parents only see lawyers to determine their ongoing relationship to children, post separation or divorce. Regardless of the disposition of the lawyer, on the mind of the parent, is winning or coming away with a particular outcome. The parent races ...
Views: 756 - Parents can help prevent teen driver car crashes - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldParents can help prevent teen driver car crashes Whenever one gets behind the wheel of a car the process of risk assessment begins. This is why drivers look both ways before entering the roadway. The driver is determining issues of risk before taking action. Often, the driver is also trying to ...
Views: 895 - People Choose to See Me Because of My Approach - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldNeed counseling? People see me because of my unique approach. Let me explain…. How we see the world and handle our adult life is so influenced by our experiences growing up. For the first 12 years of my life, I grew up in the Bathurst/Wilson area of Toronto; North York, to be more precise. ...
Views: 1012 - Preschooler Behavior Problem? It may be your parenting pendulum. - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldThink of parenting on a pendulum. As it swings one way, a parents parenting style may be inadvertently ineffective. There may be multiple warnings; a meek tone of voice; too many options; too much praise; asking versus telling; bargaining; rewards greater than appropriate. In this scenario, the ...
Views: 776 - Psychological Abuse - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldPsychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Views: 726 - Psychological Abuse - by Submitted on Nov 26, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldPsychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Views: 1137 - Reconciliation Counselling - by Submitted on May 16, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldReconciliation Counselling Some people look across the great divide of a fractured relationship feeling it can never exist again. In such situations, the parties may be at odds with respect to their version of events. They may feel there must be agreement on the version of events, without which ...
Views: 2574 - Remembering Family Traditions - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldRemembering Family Traditions Every family has their own traditions. The ways they manage regular occurring events such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even losses. The tradition dictates how these events are to be practiced and who is to attend. Built in to the tradition is the ...
Views: 1211 - Separated parents in dispute: Don’t drag in your service providers! - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldSeparated parents in dispute: Don’t drag in your service providers! Separated parents in high conflict have a way of dragging others into their dispute. Not just family friends, and neighbours, but every professional associated with the children. The parents seek to bolster their claims to ...
Views: 795 - Separating from an Abusive Partner - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldIf you are in an abusive relationship and are seeking to separate or divorce from your partner, your safety may be at risk and your ability to achieve a reasonable separation agreement may be compromised. Abusive relationships are characterized by one party seeking power and control over the ...
Views: 1036 - Separating? - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldSeparating? Once the decision to separate is made, there are a number of other issues to settle. If the decision has been made in isolation, there is the matter of informing one’s spouse. Thereafter comes telling the kids. From there, attention is directed towards determining the ongoing care ...
Views: 819 - Settling Custody and Access Disputes… - by Submitted on May 16, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldSettling Custody and Access Disputes… Court, Counselling, Mediation, Parenting Coordinator: What’s the difference? Parents who are separated need to sort out the ongoing care of their children. Statistically, most do so between themselves without any help or support from outside resources. ...
Views: 888 - Sexual Abuse, Marriage and Parenting - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldWhen we talk about sexual abuse, we differentiate between intra-familial (from within the family) and extra-familial (from outside the family). When from within, it teaches the target of abuse to not trust people who are closest to them. When from outside the family, it teaches the target of ...
Views: 786 - Someone Really Really Difficult To Get Along With? - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldSomeone really really difficult to get along with? Most people get along with others. There might be the odd bit of friction between a person or two, but for the most part, most people get along. There is a sub-group of people however, that don’t seem to get along with almost anyone. These ...
Views: 768 - Teen’s First Job - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldTeen’s First Job A teen’s first job is a right of passage. It provides the teen the ability to earn money independently and teaches them new meanings for responsibility. The first job also enlightens the teen to the responsibilities of the parents and for many, makes them appreciative not only ...
Views: 961 - The 7 Strategies for Determining Your Parenting Plan - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldThe Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to ...
Views: 749 - The Challenge of Depression Extends Beyond the Individual - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldCoping with depression requires one’s partner and family to understand the difference between depression and sadness. Sadness usually refers to a sense of loss, grief or upset in response to an event typically recent in one’s life. While sadness can be intense, it usually runs its course as ...
Views: 848 - The First Few Years Of School - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldThe First Few Years Of School As a preschooler, your child was well behaved and didn’t exhibit any particular problems. Next your child enters school, perhaps Kindergarten, and then Grade one. Slowly issues with some classes and subjects appear. Maybe they are thought nothing of in Grade one, ...
Views: 844 - The Granddaddy of All New Years Resolutions - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldThe Granddaddy of All New Years Resolutions What if you really needed only one New Years resolution? It could be the granddaddy of all resolutions and cover off all things from more time with the kids to quitting smoking and even saving money. Well, there is one such resolution and it comes ...
Views: 503 - The Long Arm Of Domestic Violence - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldThe Long Arm Of Domestic Violence Public attention to domestic violence tends to focus on the immediacy of the problem. In other words when the average persons thinks about domestic violence, thoughts go to the fright of the victim in the situation and physical harm caused. Media attention ...
Views: 693 - The Myth of the Protection Order - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldPersons subject to domestic violence (or violence in the context of any relationship) may need protection from the perpetrator of violence. To protect oneself, one can go to a place of greater safety (no place is 100% safe, although most women’s shelters offer a number of safeguards to ...
Views: 797 - The Pre-Marital Toilet Test - by Submitted on Jul 06, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldThe Pre-Marital Toilet Test We enter marriage with hopes, aspirations and faith. When marital discord strikes we are overcome with disillusionment. A year into the marriage, the notion of “tell death do us part”, smacks us in the face like a glass of cold water. Not only do we enter into ...
Views: 836 - Thinking of Counselling? - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldPeople turn to counselling, be it individual, marital, family or group, at times having done little or no homework on the service provider. There is more to choosing a counselor then simply picking up the phone and making an appointment. Anyone may call himself or herself a counselor, so ...
Views: 906 - Three Settlement Processes When Court Looks Like a Train Careening Out of Control - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldLet’s say you are involved in a litigation (court) process to address a parenting dispute and it looks like that train is careening out of control. You can’t foresee using mediation or collaborative law because either you or your former partner won’t agree to this. There may be a ...
Views: 651 - Tinder Babies and the Hook-Up Generation - by Submitted on Oct 29, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldForget your parents choosing your date. Forget going to a dance club to meet and get to know people. Forget hitting a bar to meet others. Enter Tinder. Tinder is a person to person matching app that has four basis features. The first is the ability to locate people near you (you can determine ...
Views: 1079 - Treating Teens Who Abuse Drugs/Alcohol - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldLike schools of fish, teens who abuse drugs and alcohol tend to hang in the same crowd. They garner a kind of moral support or legitimacy from like-minded and behaving peers for their drug and alcohol consumption. Further, when drug and alcohol consumption reaches the abuse stage, they are seen ...
Views: 705 - Understanding Is Not Enough - by Submitted on Nov 26, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldUnderstanding Is Not Enough In the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time ...
Views: 656 - When a Child With Special Needs and Complex Disabilities Surfaces with Behaviour Problems - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldWhen a Child With Special Needs and Complex Disabilities Surfaces with Behaviour Problems Some children present with an abundance of challenges involving academic functioning, communication and physical difficulties. Combined these children face a remarkable struggle keeping up with their ...
Views: 1054 - When Anguish Overwhelms Take These 4 Steps Before Other Action - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldIt just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a ...
Views: 1322 - When Anguish Overwhelms Take These 4 Steps Before Other Action - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldIt just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a ...
Views: 1264 - When it’s Good, it’s Very Good… - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldSome people are in abusive relationships. They say they stay because when it’s good, it’s very good. Unfortunately, when it’s bad, it is also very bad. So, some people weigh the good against the bad and it seems to come out even. Not so. Abusive relationships must be assessed when under duress. ...
Views: 987 - Who’s in charge anyways? - by Submitted on Feb 06, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldWho’s in charge anyways? It’s not uncommon to find parents and grandparents living together with everyone minding the young. In fact, by many cultures, this is a very normal situation that works well for everyone. It tends to work best when everyone knows his or her place and it is clear who is ...
Views: 675 - Yes. They Shoot the Messenger in Child Custody/Access Cases - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldA parent called me asking for me to provide an assessment. I explained I do not provide court involved services anymore and explained why. The caller asked for a referral to someone who did. I offered the name of a respected colleague. The caller emailed thereafter and included in the email ...
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