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Articles from Gary Direnfeld | Selfgrowth.com
- Preschooler Behavior Problem? It may be your parenting pendulum. - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldThink of parenting on a pendulum. As it swings one way, a parents parenting style may be inadvertently ineffective. There may be multiple warnings; a meek tone of voice; too many options; too much praise; asking versus telling; bargaining; rewards greater than appropriate. In this scenario, the ...
Views: 1090 - When Anguish Overwhelms Take These 4 Steps Before Other Action - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldIt just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a ...
Views: 1625 - A Powerful Concept to Alter Children’s Behavior - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary Direnfeldhere is a Jewish word that doesn’t translate directly into English, but it informs my attitude to people who have undergone hardship and need help. Translated, the word is a hybrid of several concepts, not standing alone on any one, but really the combination of all. The concepts or words ...
Views: 1063 - 4 Points to Consider Before Sending Your Child to Counseling - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldQuestion: Gary, I heard another psychologist state that counseling is not beneficial for children under 12 because they see things so literally and are not able to consider the concepts and abstract. Would you agree? ( I think I paraphrased her correctly). I am curious about your thoughts on ...
Views: 982 - Counseling? How we begin matters. - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldA parent called seeking counseling for their adult son. The young man had plenty of issues. The issues were long-standing. I explained that given the parent called, I would begin by meeting with both parents first. I advised that by meeting with the parents first, I could obtain a better ...
Views: 1065 - Depression and the Three-Legged Stool - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldNot all depressions are the same and getting it right matters. Broadly speaking, depression can be divided into two types, exogenous and endogenous. This is not to say that any particular depression is necessarily one or the other. There can be factors of both at play and to different ...
Views: 1470 - Is Your Kid Safe with Technology? - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldDo you practice safe technology? If you think you do, think twice. There is no such thing. No matter what the privacy settings, whenever you use social media you are leaving a digital footprint of something. It can be as little as your location; who you are connected to; what you have just ...
Views: 941 - Managing a Family Member going Ballistic - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldIt almost doesn’t matter what triggered it. What matters is it is escalating out of control. Someone in your home is going ballistic. Someone is losing it and there is a risk of property damage and/or a physical altercation. It is already scary. Very scary. These are situations not to be ...
Views: 1102 - Feeling Hopeless about a Problem Drinker? Consider this: - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldEach year I see many people addicted to alcohol. At times they come to the session smelling of booze while still denying drinking. They play the game, “if you didn’t see me do it, it didn’t happen” as if seeing is the only sense of detection and smelling doesn’t count. I have long since ...
Views: 1625 - Sexual Abuse, Marriage and Parenting - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldWhen we talk about sexual abuse, we differentiate between intra-familial (from within the family) and extra-familial (from outside the family). When from within, it teaches the target of abuse to not trust people who are closest to them. When from outside the family, it teaches the target of ...
Views: 1143 - It’s Difficult for Many People to go to Counseling - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2017 from Gary DirenfeldCounseling remains a viable strategy to cope with or change issues affecting one’s life. However, there are often many hurdles ahead of attending. Those hurdles are related to fears, misconceptions and even horror stories about counseling. Fears include being labeled crazy or bad as well as ...
Views: 1102 - Separated Parents: It’s not Quantum of Time, but Quality of Relationship - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldIf you get hung up on the quantum of time, you may lose sight of the quality of your relationship now and for the future. At the end of the day some separated parents fight tooth and nail over how the children’s time will be divvied up between them. Children are even drawn into the dispute, ...
Views: 1140(1 vote) - Yes. They Shoot the Messenger in Child Custody/Access Cases - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldA parent called me asking for me to provide an assessment. I explained I do not provide court involved services anymore and explained why. The caller asked for a referral to someone who did. I offered the name of a respected colleague. The caller emailed thereafter and included in the email ...
Views: 934 - 4 Tips to Resist the Fight on the Way to the Negotiating Table - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldYou finally recognize that your adversarial battle isn’t resolving your dispute. You’re draining your resources both financially and emotionally. You don’t believe your former partner would ever negotiate a truce, let alone a settlement. Mediation is discussed and one person says they’ll go but ...
Views: 1184 - 5 Tips to Manage at the Negotiating Table - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldYour behavior, how you conduct yourself at the negotiating table can work for you or against you. Remember, this is a negotiating table, not a court of law or arbitrator’s office. In negotiating, there is little to prove and all to negotiate. Negotiation is about how to move forward, not ...
Views: 1102 - Getting Through the 6 Stages of Mediation - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldMediation is not a single event, not a one-time meeting where magically issues are resolved. No. Mediation is a process that occurs with very predictable steps. Understanding these steps to the process can help you manage through the process. Separated parents entering mediation may meet ...
Views: 1150 - The Myth of the Protection Order - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldPersons subject to domestic violence (or violence in the context of any relationship) may need protection from the perpetrator of violence. To protect oneself, one can go to a place of greater safety (no place is 100% safe, although most women’s shelters offer a number of safeguards to ...
Views: 1106 - Dealing with a High Conflict Personality? Three goals for survival… - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldDo you have a partner, a colleague, a friend, a loved one where everything is a challenge and every conversation becomes a competition; where if they don’t get their way, there is hell to pay; where they are relentless in their pursuit; where somehow or other they are always right; where if they ...
Views: 1189 - Beyond Court there is a World of Better Options to Resolve Parental Conflict. Here’s Four: - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldWhen locked in bitter conflict, sometimes people resort to court. This can result in poor outcomes as the court is more limited in terms of solutions that can be ordered. What is needed is a flexible approach to service and services that are actually structured to address specific issues. ...
Views: 911 - Three Settlement Processes When Court Looks Like a Train Careening Out of Control - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldLet’s say you are involved in a litigation (court) process to address a parenting dispute and it looks like that train is careening out of control. You can’t foresee using mediation or collaborative law because either you or your former partner won’t agree to this. There may be a ...
Views: 943 - Instead of Litigation and the Inherent Conflict of Interest - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldYou are in conflict with your former partner. You see a family lawyer who tells you s/he can be of assistance. The lawyer offers to send a letter of introduction to your former partner or their lawyer and in so doing, sets the tone for the process of settlement. That first communication often ...
Views: 936 - The Challenge of Depression Extends Beyond the Individual - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldCoping with depression requires one’s partner and family to understand the difference between depression and sadness. Sadness usually refers to a sense of loss, grief or upset in response to an event typically recent in one’s life. While sadness can be intense, it usually runs its course as ...
Views: 1162 - Four Secret Strategies to Better Manage Behavior Without Punishment - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldIn addition to my counseling practice for most matters of family life, I frequently provide workshops. This week, three: one for parents of high school students, one for parents of elementary students and the third for students in grades 5, 6 and 7. As in all my parent workshops, I ask what ...
Views: 1030(1 vote) - People Choose to See Me Because of My Approach - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldNeed counseling? People see me because of my unique approach. Let me explain…. How we see the world and handle our adult life is so influenced by our experiences growing up. For the first 12 years of my life, I grew up in the Bathurst/Wilson area of Toronto; North York, to be more precise. ...
Views: 1370 - Child Behavior: When nothing else works, consider these 7 strategies: - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldParents are saying discipline, consequences, time out and sticker’s don’t work. Parents are presenting as more and more defeated when it comes to managing the behavior of their children. They have a long list of tried that – didn’t work scenarios including many of the more popular parenting ...
Views: 1311 - When Anguish Overwhelms Take These 4 Steps Before Other Action - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldIt just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a ...
Views: 1683 - Child Behaviour Problem at School? Top 6 issues are…. - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldLast year ended in a huff. When school let out, the pressure was off and the behaviour subsided. Some kids don’t fare well at school. Come the new school year, parents worry and wonder, “Will it be different this year?” Maybe the situation will be different: Perhaps maturation over the ...
Views: 1074 - A Powerful Concept to Alter Children’s Behavior - by Submitted on Sep 16, 2016 from Gary DirenfeldThere is a Jewish word that doesn’t translate directly into English, but it informs my attitude to people who have undergone hardship and need help. Translated, the word is a hybrid of several concepts, not standing alone on any one, but really the combination of all. The concepts or words ...
Views: 1017 - My Dad on Remembrance Day - by Submitted on Nov 08, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldMy dad was a veteran. He fought overseas in WW2. He was in the Canadian Intelligence Service and essentially, was a spy chaser. He was stationed a good part of his service in Italy where he learned to speak fluent Italian. He and one of his buddies arrested an Italian woman thought to be a ...
Views: 1081 - Tinder Babies and the Hook-Up Generation - by Submitted on Oct 29, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldForget your parents choosing your date. Forget going to a dance club to meet and get to know people. Forget hitting a bar to meet others. Enter Tinder. Tinder is a person to person matching app that has four basis features. The first is the ability to locate people near you (you can determine ...
Views: 1411 - Cyber Bullying! Here is what it is and how to handle it.... - by Submitted on Oct 29, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldCyber-bullying is the deliberate and systematic harassing or defaming of an individual through derogatory postings and comments on the Internet. In some cases the material posted can be disguised as professional opinion, as the opinion of a group of people or as coming from an organization ...
Views: 1032 - Even Counselors have to Survive Persons with Narcissistic Personality Disorder - by Submitted on Oct 26, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldI read an interesting few lines in an article by William E. Krill, Jr. L.P.C. The article is entitled, The Child Victim of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Parent. Although he is writing about the experience of children and the non NPD parent, he also writes about counselors working with ...
Views: 1215 - Coming to Grips as the Memory Fades – The Three Biggies - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldWhile most people immediately go to memory loss as a primary deficit of dementia, there are other issues which can create havoc for coping be it by the affected person or support persons. Chief among those other issues are anosognosia, confabulation and disinhibition. Anosognosia is the ...
Views: 1176(2 votes) - Four Tips for Managing the Two-Year-Old - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldSo what’s up when a kid reaches age two? Many parents are ready to pull their hair out when their kids reach this age… and it continues for about a year to a year and a half. Parents of younger infants are lulled into a sense of ease when their son or daughter reaches about 6 months. By this ...
Views: 1040 - The 7 Strategies for Determining Your Parenting Plan - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2015 from Gary DirenfeldThe Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to ...
Views: 1066 - Parental Peace – The Real Christmas Gift for Kids - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2013 from Gary DirenfeldEven though parents argue as to the best residential schedule, choice of school, faith, holiday time, Christmas and extra-curricular activities, these issues are simply not as predictive for the outcome of children of separated parents as conflict alone. More to the point, the greater the ...
Views: 1248 - Internet Complaints Against Mental Health Professionals - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2013 from Gary DirenfeldWorking with parents whose marriages are on the cusp of failure or already separated parents fighting it out over the care of their children is a challenging proposition for the mental health professional. Whether acting in the role of couple therapist, mediator, assessor, arbitrator or ...
Views: 1226 - The Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man - by Submitted on Sep 11, 2012 from Gary DirenfeldThe Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man Truly abusive men are out for themselves. These are the narcissists and sociopaths who walk among us in plain clothes. Abusive men rely on these five strategies to gratify their needs ahead of or at the expense of their partner: 1. Denial Even with ...
Views: 2645(1 vote) - Is It Safe? - by Submitted on Sep 10, 2012 from Gary DirenfeldIs It Safe? Marital or couple counseling is an intimate experience that by design enables couples to disclose and address issues held secret. Those issues held secret may be from each other or from outsiders – including therapists. Once the word is out there though, the next issue is how ...
Views: 1104(1 vote) - Five sure-fire signs you need couple counselling… - by Submitted on Sep 10, 2012 from Gary DirenfeldFive sure-fire signs you need couple counseling… Your relationship has been unsatisfying for some time. You’ve been toying with the idea of getting help, but just how do you know when you need to see a counselor? Here are five sure-fire signs: 1. No time together: Do you find yourself ...
Views: 1159(1 vote) - Cross Cultural Marital Conundrums - by Submitted on Apr 02, 2012 from Gary DirenfeldCross Cultural Conundrums His parents just won’t leave us alone. They drop by unexpectedly; his mother rearranges my kitchen cupboards; they get angry if we don’t visit them every weekend. I want to have a life, alone with my husband! Meanwhile; She is so cold and distant that her behaviour ...
Views: 1161 - Escape Your Dysfuntional Family - by Submitted on Apr 02, 2012 from Gary DirenfeldJump the Pond Every one was raised in a particular pond: Their home, their community. And in that pond, the fish tend to look alike and swim in schools of similar fish. The pond becomes familiar; it is what the person knows. It is the sum of their experience. It is their normal, even if ...
Views: 4823 - Remembering Family Traditions - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldRemembering Family Traditions Every family has their own traditions. The ways they manage regular occurring events such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even losses. The tradition dictates how these events are to be practiced and who is to attend. Built in to the tradition is the ...
Views: 1553 - Pre-Marital Counseling In View Of Abuse - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldPre-Marital Counseling In View Of Abuse My boyfriend and I getting married in a few months and I am worried because although he is so great, he does have a temper. When he gets mad he becomes scary. At times he yells and screams and at other times he throws and breaks things. He’s only hit me ...
Views: 1584(1 vote) - Major Depression and Family - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldMajor Depression and Family While most people have experienced a period of feeling down or blue, those who experience major depression experience a far more profound sense of feeling overwhelmed by dread and despair. Their feelings may be independent of, somewhat dependent upon and at times ...
Views: 1460(1 vote) - Verbal Aubse - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldVerbal abuse refers to the use of language as a means to control or subordinate another person for either self-gratification or to impose one’s view or will on another or to gain an unfair advantage in resolving a dispute. While both parties subject to a dispute may use inappropriate language ...
Views: 1717(1 vote) - Issues for Immigrant Parents and Their Children - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldImmigrant families to Canada and the United States can face many issues complicating their adjustment to the new host culture. Often unconsidered is the implications for intra-familial culture clash when children take to the host culture sooner or more wholeheartedly than their parents. Risk ...
Views: 4407(1 vote) - Separating from an Abusive Partner - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldIf you are in an abusive relationship and are seeking to separate or divorce from your partner, your safety may be at risk and your ability to achieve a reasonable separation agreement may be compromised. Abusive relationships are characterized by one party seeking power and control over the ...
Views: 1309 - When it’s Good, it’s Very Good… - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldSome people are in abusive relationships. They say they stay because when it’s good, it’s very good. Unfortunately, when it’s bad, it is also very bad. So, some people weigh the good against the bad and it seems to come out even. Not so. Abusive relationships must be assessed when under duress. ...
Views: 1248 - Thinking of Counselling? - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldPeople turn to counselling, be it individual, marital, family or group, at times having done little or no homework on the service provider. There is more to choosing a counselor then simply picking up the phone and making an appointment. Anyone may call himself or herself a counselor, so ...
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