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Articles from Sheryl Paul | Selfgrowth.com
- Engagement Anxiety Relieved: Working with Projection - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2010 from Sheryl PaulMost people in an intimate relationship will, at some point, find themselves stuck in a projection about their partner. Projections are a bit challenging to define and even more challenging to see it when you’re in it. In Wikipedia’s words: “Psychological projection or projection bias ...
Views: 5749(3 votes) - Engagement Anxiety Relieved: Daily Journaling - by Submitted on Dec 20, 2009 from Sheryl PaulWhen my clients are struggling with engagement anxiety and marriage fear, they often ask what they can do between sessions to help alleviate their suffering. I offer a variety of specific exercises depending on the details of the client’s story, but there is one exercise I suggest to all my ...
Views: 5710(2 votes) - Engagement Anxiety Dismantled: The Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome - by Submitted on Jan 16, 2010 from Sheryl PaulWhen my grandparents got married in the 1930s, I’m quite certain neither one of them had the kind of engagement anxiety I see among people today. My grandmother did experience grief about leaving her mother and two sisters and the difficult feelings were displaced onto her wedding dress and veil ...
Views: 4958(2 votes) - Transitions: The Art of Letting Go - by Submitted on Jan 16, 2010 from Sheryl PaulTransitions provide continual opportunities to practice the art of the letting go. At each new threshold, the task is to let go of the old lifestyle, identity, and belief systems that are no longer serving us so that we can gracefully move into the new stage. The adolescent lets go of childhood. ...
Views: 4838(24 votes) - Engagement Anxiety Relieved: A Media Diet - by Submitted on Jan 03, 2010 from Sheryl PaulTransitions render us more vulnerable emotionally and psychologically than during other times in our lives. Being in a transition means that we are between stages and identities: no longer single but not quite married; no longer a non-mother but not quite a mother. These in-between zones are ...
Views: 4535(2 votes) - The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Partner (According to Fear) - by Submitted on Oct 07, 2011 from Sheryl PaulFear’s entire mission in life is to keep you safe from the risk of loving. It sees love as a dangerous cesspool where the invisible sea creatures lurk beneath the dark surface, waiting to snatch you into their murky waters. Fear believes that if you risk your heart through committed loving you ...
Views: 4445 - Relationship Anxiety: Intuition or Fear? - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulA subset topic of the million-dollar question – is my anxiety/doubt evidence that my truth is that I’m with the wrong partner or does it mean something else? – is the issue of intuition versus anxiety. In other words, embedded inside every question of the mind suffering from relationship ...
Views: 3654 - The Conscious Groom: What Men Really Feel - by Submitted on Dec 27, 2009 from Sheryl PaulWhile I was researching and writing “The Conscious Bride” thirteen years ago, I simultaneously took notes and interviewed for the obvious sequel, “The Conscious Groom”. But when I presented the idea to my publisher they said that there simply wasn’t a male market for that kind of book. Perhaps ...
Views: 3354(5 votes) - I Love You Go Away - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAmong the many misconceptions that people have about love – that it’s only a feeling, that the feeling of being “in love” should exist from day one, that attraction is static and based on external attributes – the faulty belief that often gets swept under the rug more than any other is that ...
Views: 2942 - How Engagement Counseling Can Affair-Proof Your Marriage - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2010 from Sheryl PaulMy clients call me with a variety of anxiety-based questions (many of which I’ve discussed in previous articles): Does my anxiety mean that I don’t love my fiancé enough? How do I know that I’m making the right decision? Is there someone out there who’s better for me? Does the fact that I’m not ...
Views: 2719(1 vote) - Engagement Anxiety Dismantled: Real Love versus Infatuation - by Submitted on Dec 20, 2009 from Sheryl PaulTransitions are always opportunities for growth and healing. Sometimes we need to heal ways of being in the world that are no longer serving us – like my clients who realize, through the wedding planning, that they’re suffering from the disease to please and that they need to learn how to put ...
Views: 2678(5 votes) - Fear Distorts Perception - by Submitted on Dec 08, 2014 from Sheryl Paul“Our eyes are not viewers; they are also projectors that are running a second story over the picture that we see in front of us all the time. Fear is writing that script. Now fear is going to be a player in your life. You get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, ...
Views: 2362 - Love Cannot Be Measured - by Submitted on Jan 19, 2015 from Sheryl PaulLove cannot be measured. It cannot be placed in test tubes in a science laboratory or placed on the great scale of life to determine whether or not there’s enough. The anxious/sensitive mind longs for a definite answer to the questions that swirl through its brain - Do I love you enough? What is ...
Views: 2280 - The Secret to a Peaceful Life - or The Fear of Death - by Submitted on Sep 30, 2012 from Sheryl PaulWe all long for a peaceful life. We search for peace through the mediums that our culture sells: through spending, watching television, searching the Internet, finding the “perfect” partner, having a baby, and a variety of other misguided methods. We even meditate, practice yoga, and attend ...
Views: 2190(1 vote) - Ways to Challenge Fear - by Submitted on Mar 18, 2011 from Sheryl PaulLiving with kids close to nature and on a creek, I find that my fear-mind has many opportunities to reveal itself. In spring, when the creek swells to river stature and rushes in white-lipped rapids, I worry that one of my kids will somehow escape through the gate and… In summer, as we gleefully ...
Views: 2168 - The Fear of Aging - by Submitted on Mar 18, 2011 from Sheryl PaulDuring my search for new recipes for my little vegetarian son (who declared he was a vegetarian about nine months ago; you can read about it on my blog), I stumbled upon a beautiful and inspiring book called, Healthy at 100, by John Robbins (author of Diet for a New America). As my current life ...
Views: 2105(2 votes) - Yes and No - by Submitted on Jan 19, 2015 from Sheryl PaulSometimes an anger surges up in me about how abysmally this culture guides and takes care of its members around transitions. We expect engaged women and men to put on a happy face from proposal through honeymoon, ignoring their innate need to grieve the loss of their singlehood and honor their ...
Views: 2100 - The Wisdom of Longing - by Submitted on Nov 24, 2014 from Sheryl PaulAt the core of each human being rests a heart full of love, tinged with sadness and aching with longing. Some would say this longing points to our awareness of our original separation from a divine source, the knowing that we are all one yet painfully separated from each another because of this ...
Views: 1976 - Grieving as Letting Go - by Submitted on Mar 18, 2011 from Sheryl PaulAt the heart of transitioning consciously is the willingness to grieve. Sometimes grief arises unbidden as a pang of emptiness; sometimes it wells up in a bubble of memory about a former house; sometimes it appears as a longing for a past experience or stage of life; sometimes it comes barreling ...
Views: 1925(3 votes) - “I’m Not In Love” - by Submitted on Mar 18, 2011 from Sheryl PaulA few weeks ago had a great session with the man I’ve referred to as “Matthew” in these posts. We’ve been working together for quite some time and have uncovered layer upon layer of false beliefs that are contributing to his unhappiness. But in this particular session we uncovered what I believe ...
Views: 1886(2 votes) - Gratitude 108 Offering - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2014 from Sheryl PaulWe hear a lot about the power of gratitude lately. There seems to have been a hundredth monkey leap in consciousness, a global awareness that gratitude is a powerful and relatively easy way to sweep out the propensity toward negativity and connect to what’s good and right in our world. For ...
Views: 1866 - The Grief Place - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2014 from Sheryl PaulThere is a room in your heart where sadness dwells. Each story of sadness lives there like a stagnant, frozen particle of light waiting for you to see it, to hold it, to wrap it in a blanket and bring it tea. When you visit your grief place with love, the particles of light start to shimmer and ...
Views: 1830(1 vote) - Anxiety is Not an Accident - by Submitted on Nov 24, 2014 from Sheryl PaulIf you follow my work you know that I view anxiety quite differently than most people. Instead of seeing it as something to eliminate as quickly as possible – usually with medication – I see it as the soul’s way of communicating, via the vessel of the body, that something is awry inside and is ...
Views: 1804 - It's Not What You Think - by Submitted on Nov 24, 2014 from Sheryl PaulOne the many problems of living in an image-based, superficial culture is that we learn to take life at face value. You have a dream about having sex with someone other than your partner and you latch onto the most obvious interpretation that you secretly want to have sex with someone else. You ...
Views: 1803 - One Moment At A Time - by Submitted on Apr 01, 2011 from Sheryl PaulOne of the slogans in the 12-step programs is One Day At A Time. In the life of someone enduring a transition - whether in the midst of a break up, becoming a mother, trying to conceive, or retiring - a more appropriate and helpful phrase is One Moment At A Time. This topic recently emerged ...
Views: 1792(2 votes) - Longing for Desire - by Submitted on May 13, 2016 from Sheryl PaulMost people are familiar with the heart-aching pain of grief. Most people can identify the empty thud of loneliness. Most people know when they've been pricked by the green-eyed monster of jealousy, or taken under the thick, gray blanket of shame. But how often do we talk about longing? In ...
Views: 1773 - A Passionate Life - by Submitted on Nov 17, 2014 from Sheryl PaulInspired by the courageous, wise members of my July 2014 Trust Yourself program. Quotes from the forum reprinted with permission. *** My family and I were driving into town last summer when we saw a blue van pass by with the words “Mr. Pool” printed on the side. “There goes Mr. Pool,” I ...
Views: 1760 - Hang On - by Submitted on May 13, 2016 from Sheryl PaulAt the end of one of the interviews in the E-Course, when I asked the interviewee what she would like to say to those who are still in the trenches of relationship anxiety, she responded quite simply with, "Hang on. Hang on. Hang on." Those words have offered a lifeline to countless people who ...
Views: 1750 - The Well of Self - by Submitted on Nov 17, 2014 from Sheryl PaulWe all carry within us a well of Self. We can’t see this well, but we know when the waters are clear and full or when they’re low and flecked with the dark matter of the lies we tell ourselves about ourselves. We know when the waters are warm from the time, interest, and compassion we pour into ...
Views: 1749 - The Search for Perfection: From Marrying to Buying a House - by Submitted on Jul 02, 2010 from Sheryl Paul“Perfection is for the Gods; completeness and wholeness is the most humans can hope for.” – Marion Woodman One of the most common and pernicious beliefs among my engaged and newlywed clients is that they’re supposed to marry their perfect match. While they may be rationally aware that ...
Views: 1745 - Anxiety is Not Your Destiny - by Submitted on Nov 17, 2014 from Sheryl Paul“I’m just an anxious person,” I often hear my clients and program members say. The statement underlines a common globalization belief intrinsic to many who struggle with anxiety, which is: I’m anxious, I’ve always been anxious and I’ll always be anxious. In other words, anxiety is just in my ...
Views: 1684 - Love is Stronger than Fear - by Submitted on Mar 18, 2011 from Sheryl PaulMy son is still struggling with his nighttime fears. He’s been engaged in this battle for a year and a half and, while he’s no longer in a state of terror, the fear creeps up steadily enough to prevent him from falling asleep easily. We’ve introduced him to every technique and tool we can think ...
Views: 1683(3 votes) - Still Learning - by Submitted on Nov 24, 2014 from Sheryl PaulA few weeks ago my family and I spent five days up in the mountains. Overall, it was a lovely vacation, with much laughter, hiking, game-playing, and boating. But for some reason my husband and I were in one those spells when we bumped heads at some point each day. Perhaps it was hormones or ...
Views: 1669 - I Feel Like I'm Lying When I Say I Love You - by Submitted on Jan 26, 2015 from Sheryl PaulThese are statements I hear quite often in my practice: I feel like I’m lying when I say I love you to my partner. I feel like a fake, an imposter, like I’m leading him/her on. If I don’t feel love, how can I say it? And I’m not always feeling it. In fact, it seems like more often than not I’m ...
Views: 1617 - True Beauty - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2014 from Sheryl PaulA few weeks ago I met with two women from my spirituality group. They had never been to my home, and as we stepped onto the deck to begin our meeting they both remarked on the beauty of our land. I found myself qualifying and explaining about the dirt and weeds: “It was a lot more beautiful ...
Views: 1597 - The Lies We Live With - by Submitted on Jun 04, 2010 from Sheryl PaulAround the sixth month of my pregnancy with my second son, my hip locked up to the point of debilitating pain. I had experienced something similar in my first pregnancy, but the second time was more extreme and I knew I needed help. I booked an appointment with a bodyworker and hobbled my way to ...
Views: 1585(5 votes) - The Timetable of Transitions - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2011 from Sheryl PaulTransitions, like grief, have their own timetable. Despite one's best efforts to rush along the difficult feelings and anxious thoughts, each person will traverse the terrain of transitions according to their own internal needs and rhythm. While major life transitions like getting married or ...
Views: 1570(1 vote) - Grief Neutralizes Thought - by Submitted on Jun 22, 2016 from Sheryl PaulWe are addicted to our stories. The thoughts come in and take us away on their magic carpet promise of arriving in a land of certainty, where the vulnerability and pain of life can't touch us. We learn early to climb aboard this carpet because, as young people, we usually don't know how to ...
Views: 1565 - Take Back Your Gold - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulLast Monday, after a typical Colorado October snowstorm, my sons and I drove into town to serve dinner to the homeless. Consistent with this time of year, the snow started to melt just hours after it fell, and what was left was a stunning display of beauty where the golds and reds of autumn ...
Views: 1560 - When Fear Meets Love - by Submitted on Nov 12, 2014 from Sheryl PaulWhen fear pricks the heart it flies in the face of every message about love we absorb from the culture: that love should provide a safe haven against the storms of life; that love should be easy; that love and fear are mutually exclusive, and that if fear enters the picture it means something is ...
Views: 1558 - A Manual for Love - by Submitted on Jan 22, 2015 from Sheryl PaulI wish I had been given one. I wish we all had been handed a Love Manual in a class in high school, and taken levels two and three in college. For there are basic laws and practices we could have learned that would have made the path of intimate relationship so much easier had we only been given ...
Views: 1548 - Your Essential Goodness - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2012 from Sheryl PaulA baby is born. You gaze upon the baby and see an angel’s face, impossibly smooth skin still flecked with gold, hair like spun silk, clear eyes, and then the smile that breaks your heart into a thousand pieces. You see the incarnation of goodness, the flesh definition of purity and light. You ...
Views: 1546 - Projection as Protection - by Submitted on Oct 07, 2011 from Sheryl PaulI’ve been thinking a lot about projection lately, especially since many of my engaged and newlywed clients have been perseverating on the thought, “I don’t love him/her.” This is such an important and complex topic that I’ve written about it several times, but let me say it more clearly here: ...
Views: 1538 - Love is a Practice - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2014 from Sheryl PaulWe have an idea in this culture that you either have it or you don’t: You’re athletic or you’re clumsy; you’re a great orator or you stumble over words; you’re talented artistically or you can barely draw a stick figure; love comes easily to you or you struggle to find flow in relationships. ...
Views: 1537 - Parenthood: Letting go again and again and again - by Submitted on Apr 27, 2010 from Sheryl PaulWhen I first began doing research for Conscious Motherhood - both the book (yet to be published) and the website - I was struck by the recurrent theme among new parents about how challenging it was to let go. The specific area of challenge differed from each person, ranging from letting go of ...
Views: 1531(3 votes) - The Life You're Meant to Live - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2018 from Sheryl PaulSomewhere along the road of childhood into adolescence, a belief is transmitted that says: Follow the roadmap that culture presents and you will find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This roadmap looks like: Graduate from a 4-year university, land a corporate job then climb the ladder, ...
Views: 1531 - What’s Your Running Commentary? - by Submitted on Mar 26, 2011 from Sheryl PaulAt some point in my counseling work, I hear a recurrent belief or thought that surfaces for my clients. It’s the belief that tends to wreak havoc on my client’s psyche, the one that’s been with him or her since childhood. Most people are so fused with this false belief or negative thought that ...
Views: 1524 - Anxiety and Numbness - by Submitted on May 13, 2016 from Sheryl PaulI often receive a version of the following email: "Is indifference a sign of relationship anxiety? My partner and I haven't seen each other in two weeks and I feel nothing. I've shut down. I don't care if we split up. My partner even cheated on me and I felt nothing. I don't seem to care ...
Views: 1496 - “Attachment and Flight” - by Submitted on Mar 18, 2011 from Sheryl Paul“Something valid and necessary takes flight when it senses deep attachment, and this flight also seems so deeply rooted as to be an honest expression of soul. Our ultimate goal is to find ways to embrace both attachment and resistance to attachment, and the only way to that reconciliation of ...
Views: 1479 - Loss of Light - by Submitted on Nov 12, 2014 from Sheryl PaulLight fading, time passing, big boy is ten, baby isn’t a baby and the time for having babies is over. The pregnant woman in the check-out line and it’s eleven years ago, pregnant with my own belly of hope and love, on the threshold of everything new and exciting. There was pain then, too, but ...
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