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Articles from Sheryl Paul | Selfgrowth.com
- What If I Make a Mistake? - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen my boys were learning how to write, they would freeze in their tracks for fear of making a spelling mistake. Their perfectionist tendencies were not a surprise to my husband and I – after all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree – and it was both fascinating and painful to see how ...
Views: 780 - When Anxious, Start at the Beginning - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAnxiety is a messenger, a symptom, and a gift. I know that statement flies in the face of everything we learn about anxiety in a culture that is pathologically obsessed with eradicating shadow at every turn and consequently attempts to “get rid of” the symptom of anxiety as quickly and cleanly ...
Views: 916 - Am I Only With My Partner Because He Makes Me Feel Safe? - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere are so many ways the ego tries to dismantle real love, and it’s favorite is to perseverate on a single question until it tires itself out, then jump to the next story. I’ve dissected many of these questions on this blog and in my courses, approaching each in the same way: name it as an ...
Views: 872 - When Love Makes You Flinch - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the common fear-lines that arises when the ego is trying to deconstruct the idea of relationship anxiety and convince you that your truth is that you’re just with the wrong person is: “If what Sheryl says is true, why don’t more people talk about it?” It’s an understandable question, ...
Views: 881 - Conversations with my Seven Year Old: In the Fear Forest - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the blessings of having a second child is that we, as parents, gain some skills by walking with the first one through predictable stages of growth, maturity, illness, and emotional challenges. When our firstborn had a high fever, we panicked. When the younger one has a fever, it’s old ...
Views: 806 - If I'm Calm Now Is It Still Relationship Anxiety? - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere is often a predictable arc to relationship anxiety that includes three stages.* The first stage is characterized by typical symptoms of anxiety and panic: Can’t sleep Can’t eat Tearful Depressed Bolting awake in the middle of the night Difficulty functioning at work Fluttering ...
Views: 723 - Conversations with my Seven Year Old: In the Fear Forest - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the blessings of having a second child is that we, as parents, gain some skills by walking with the first one through predictable stages of growth, maturity, illness, and emotional challenges. When our firstborn had a high fever, we panicked. When the younger one has a fever, it’s old ...
Views: 712 - When Will I Feel Better? - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen you’re neck-deep and soul-soaked in anxiety, when you’re having trouble eating, sleeping, and basically functioning, when the love you formally felt for your partner has been eclipsed by indifference, doubt, or numbness, when intrusive thoughts invade your brain day and night, you will ...
Views: 944 - Call the Witch by Its True Name - by Submitted on Mar 09, 2018 from Sheryl PaulMy favorite fairy tale when I was a child was Rumpelstiltskin, the story of a girl who makes a bargain with an imp-like creature in exchange for saving her life from being executed by the king. First she gives the imp a necklace, then a ring, then promises her firstborn child. But when her child ...
Views: 1294 - What If I'm REALLY Not Attracted to my Partner? - by Submitted on Mar 09, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThe following question is one I often receive from my clients who are struggling with the specific spoke of relationship anxiety that contains the longing to feel more love, connection, and attraction for their partner (and let’s remember that I use attraction or lack of attraction in the ...
Views: 865 - You Have to Love - by Submitted on Mar 09, 2018 from Sheryl Paul“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it ...
Views: 923 - Love is Softening - by Submitted on Mar 09, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOur hearts are encased in protection, layers of materials like iron or brick that create a fortress around our most sensitive selves. When these material first arrived, they came as friends, for our hearts as young people didn’t know how to rest undefended. We needed to harden in order to ...
Views: 887 - Caught in the Story - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOur stories form a crystal cave of stalactites and stalagmites in our minds, a cool chamber that seduces us with the promise that if we spend enough time there we will divine our answers. How beautiful this cave looks! How many promises it offers! And how familiar this cave becomes when we’ve ...
Views: 959 - Deconstructing the Family Story - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the essential spokes of the growth and healing wheel is being willing to see our parents clearly. As children, we almost have no choice but to see our parents as infallible heroes and gods, and many people continue to carry these fantasies into adulthood. But if we’re to know ourselves, ...
Views: 1156 - Two Healing Words - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulLast week, I had the blessed opportunity of having a closure session in person with a beautiful woman with whom I’ve worked for almost six years. As we sat face-t0-face (as opposed to screen-to-screen) and the session’s minutes clicked toward the end of our hour together, I told her that I ...
Views: 1042 - How to Find a Therapist - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOn a daily basis, my assistant and I receive the following email: “Can you recommend a therapist in my area who is familiar with your work?” Sadly, I don’t have a database of like-minded therapists, and, even more sadly, I know that many therapists fall into the “doubt means don’t” mindset ...
Views: 1099 - In Bed With Fear - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe hear a lot about the power of fear these days, and the way we culturally/psychologically talk about it speaks to our beliefs that there are forces “out there” that are dark or evil that we need to overpower. In the early days of my work, I also spoke of fear in these terms, but over the years ...
Views: 1157 - Relationship Anxiety: Intuition or Fear? - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulA subset topic of the million-dollar question – is my anxiety/doubt evidence that my truth is that I’m with the wrong partner or does it mean something else? – is the issue of intuition versus anxiety. In other words, embedded inside every question of the mind suffering from relationship ...
Views: 3652 - To Be Human - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2018 from Sheryl PaulTo be human is to know that we are imperfect and whole: we will hurt and be hurt; we will feel disappointed and will disappoint; we will stumble and fall and get back up again. To be human is to remember that this being human is an experiment without a goal or destination but with a plan that ...
Views: 867 - Anxiety Blocks Connection - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOn the heels of my post on connection, which was both comforting and spike-inducing for some of my readers and course members, I’m elaborating on the topic of connection, specifically this one line: Of course, when anxiety is at the helm, it’s difficult to feel attached or secure anywhere and ...
Views: 921 - Am I Connected Enough to My Partner? - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThe connection question is one of the most common spikes that darts across the screen of my clients and readers’ consciousness when they’re struggling with relationship anxiety. Do we connect enough? Do we talk enough? What if I feel bored sometimes? Is there a meeting of the minds? Do we have ...
Views: 991 - Guilt and Regret - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2018 from Sheryl PaulLet’s imagine that there are invisible tracks streaming like ribbons in the ether of psyche. Some of these tracks resonate at a higher vibration and some move at a lower vibration. The tracks of higher vibration carry the feelings that emanate from the source of ourselves: sadness, joy, ...
Views: 1195 - Feelings Are Messy - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAs humans in an uncertain world, we seek certainty in a variety of ways. We ask questions that are fundamentally unanswerable. We ruminate and obsess on a single thought (otherwise known as intrusive thoughts). We Google and text and seek reassurance in a variety of increasingly technologically ...
Views: 1148 - The Life You're Meant to Live - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2018 from Sheryl PaulSomewhere along the road of childhood into adolescence, a belief is transmitted that says: Follow the roadmap that culture presents and you will find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This roadmap looks like: Graduate from a 4-year university, land a corporate job then climb the ladder, ...
Views: 1528 - Risk Aversion and Anxiety - by Submitted on Jan 31, 2018 from Sheryl PaulI’m standing on the edge of my life, as if on the shores of a cold but beautiful lake. I want to dive in but I’m scared, only the fear doesn’t sound like fear as much as doubt, anxiety, uncertainty, and ambivalence. What if I make a mistake? What if the water is too cold and I can’t breathe? ...
Views: 1063 - The News and Anxiety - by Submitted on Jan 31, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe live in uncertain times, and that statement alone can send an anxious-sensitive personality type into a tailspin. But the truth is that we’ve always lived in uncertain times. Because death exists, our lives hang in the balance on this precious and precarious planet. The threats change faces – ...
Views: 1036 - Birth Trauma and Anxiety - by Submitted on Jan 31, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen working with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, the essential component is to resist the gravitational and habitual pull to attach onto the stories that appear like planets in our inner galaxy and assume that they’re true. The story of the day – whether it centers around your relationship, ...
Views: 1416 - Moment By Moment - by Submitted on Jan 31, 2018 from Sheryl PaulLife is a series of micro-moments. Most of the time, we’re floating along in the fast-paced current without self-reflection. But inevitably, at some point, we will get snagged on a branch of anxiety or intrusive thoughts, an uncomfortable feeling, an illness, an argument with a loved one, or a ...
Views: 924 - Nothing Lasts Forever - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2018 from Sheryl PaulFor all humans, but especially the highly sensitives, one of the most difficult truths to accept is that all seasons pass, all stages come to an end, all beings die. Just as the gorgeous peach tree in full-tilt pink spring bloom drops its blossoms to reveal summer fruit, then drops its leaves in ...
Views: 1313 - Nobody is Perfick - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen I was young, one of my favorite books was a collection of four short stories called “Nobody is Perfick“. I liked the first three stories, but it was the fourth one, called Nobody is Perfick, that captivated my attention. It was the story about a perfect boy named Peter Perfect. He always ...
Views: 984 - Fear is a Friend in Disguise - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere’s a common concept in our culture – one that I’ve adopted myself at times – that fear is our enemy. When we’re caught in fear’s offspring of anxiety and panic, it certainly feels like we’re been taken into enemy territory and are being held hostage. It feels like someone wraps a gloved ...
Views: 863 - 10,000 Hours of Love - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAlongside the adolescent view of love we hold in this culture that says that love is a feeling, we also believe that love should be easy. Of course, this attitude of effortlessness and ease extends far beyond the bounds of love; more and more, people seem to believe that life itself should be ...
Views: 859 - Anxiety is a Game of Whack-A-Mole - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThe anxious mind can latch onto almost any topic: What if I don’t have enough money? What if my kids aren’t okay? What if I don’t get pregnant? What if I have cancer? What if I don’t love my partner enough and I’m making a terrible mistake? What if I don’t have enough friends? What if ...
Views: 954 - How We Love Ourselves - by Submitted on Jan 14, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe hear a lot about the importance of loving ourselves these days, and how we can’t love someone else until we truly love ourselves. While I don’t entirely agree with that statement (adult attachment theory shows that it’s through secure attachment to loving others that we feel loved and, ...
Views: 1161 - A Tale of Two Moths, Dark Night of the Soul, and Sexuality - by Submitted on Jan 14, 2018 from Sheryl PaulI met Andrea in my first round of Open Your Heart in May 2013. Every time she posted on the forum, I was moved and inspired by the depth and clarity of her writing, and her ability to transpose her inner world into words. When she shared this story with me over email, I immediately asked if she ...
Views: 1241 - Grief Neutralizes Thought - by Submitted on Jan 14, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe are addicted to our stories. The thoughts come in and take us away on their magic carpet promise of arriving in a land of certainty, where the vulnerability and pain of life can’t touch us. We learn early to climb aboard this carpet because, as young people, we usually don’t know how to ...
Views: 1054 - “I Wish He Was Funnier” - by Submitted on Jan 14, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOh, the list of thoughts that try to prevent us from taking the risk of loving wholeheartedly is quite long, but there are a few that always top the list, buzzing and darting in and around your ears like mosquitos in summer. I recently wrote about the “I wish he was taller” thought, and I’ve ...
Views: 1001 - The Cycle of Healing - by Submitted on Jan 14, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe learn and heal in ebbs and flows, spiraling around the center of ourselves where our true Self dwells. When we’re in a cycle of growth, we burn through layers of ego fears and touch into that core place of wellness where peace and clarity reside. Our hearts are open and alive and we can ...
Views: 991 - When Fear Washes In: Health Anxiety and Death Anxiety - by Submitted on Jul 15, 2016 from Sheryl PaulFear is a part of life. Sometimes we can keep it at bay, but eventually, with certainty, it will creep in like a red tide on an otherwise calm beach. We try to run, but it's faster than we are. We try to hide but it discovers all of our hiding places. Eventually we realize that the only way to ...
Views: 1045 - "I Wish He Was Taller" - by Submitted on Jul 07, 2016 from Sheryl PaulI could have titled this post with any of the phrases I hear every day from my clients and course members: "I wish she was thinner." "I wish he was more successful." "I wish she had better skin." "I wish he was more assertive." "I wish she had a different voice." But this is the ...
Views: 1047 - Grief Neutralizes Thought - by Submitted on Jun 22, 2016 from Sheryl PaulWe are addicted to our stories. The thoughts come in and take us away on their magic carpet promise of arriving in a land of certainty, where the vulnerability and pain of life can't touch us. We learn early to climb aboard this carpet because, as young people, we usually don't know how to ...
Views: 1562 - How We Love Ourselves - by Submitted on Jun 08, 2016 from Sheryl PaulWe hear a lot about the importance of loving ourselves these days, and how we can't love someone else until we truly love ourselves. While I don't entirely agree with that statement (adult attachment theory shows that it's through secure attachment to loving others that we feel loved and, ...
Views: 1006(1 vote) - Compassion or Comparison - by Submitted on Jun 02, 2016 from Sheryl PaulMy yoga teacher has said this phrase dozens of times, but one morning it went in differently and landed in the places where breath meets bone, where sinew aches with loss and the water in the pelvic bowl of my hips shimmered like a moonlit lake. The words traveled along ancient blood-lines to ...
Views: 1018 - Anxiety and Numbness - by Submitted on May 13, 2016 from Sheryl PaulI often receive a version of the following email: "Is indifference a sign of relationship anxiety? My partner and I haven't seen each other in two weeks and I feel nothing. I've shut down. I don't care if we split up. My partner even cheated on me and I felt nothing. I don't seem to care ...
Views: 1494 - Hang On - by Submitted on May 13, 2016 from Sheryl PaulAt the end of one of the interviews in the E-Course, when I asked the interviewee what she would like to say to those who are still in the trenches of relationship anxiety, she responded quite simply with, "Hang on. Hang on. Hang on." Those words have offered a lifeline to countless people who ...
Views: 1745 - Longing for Desire - by Submitted on May 13, 2016 from Sheryl PaulMost people are familiar with the heart-aching pain of grief. Most people can identify the empty thud of loneliness. Most people know when they've been pricked by the green-eyed monster of jealousy, or taken under the thick, gray blanket of shame. But how often do we talk about longing? In ...
Views: 1769 - I Feel Like I'm Lying When I Say I Love You - by Submitted on Jan 26, 2015 from Sheryl PaulThese are statements I hear quite often in my practice: I feel like I’m lying when I say I love you to my partner. I feel like a fake, an imposter, like I’m leading him/her on. If I don’t feel love, how can I say it? And I’m not always feeling it. In fact, it seems like more often than not I’m ...
Views: 1614 - A Manual for Love - by Submitted on Jan 22, 2015 from Sheryl PaulI wish I had been given one. I wish we all had been handed a Love Manual in a class in high school, and taken levels two and three in college. For there are basic laws and practices we could have learned that would have made the path of intimate relationship so much easier had we only been given ...
Views: 1544 - Love Cannot Be Measured - by Submitted on Jan 19, 2015 from Sheryl PaulLove cannot be measured. It cannot be placed in test tubes in a science laboratory or placed on the great scale of life to determine whether or not there’s enough. The anxious/sensitive mind longs for a definite answer to the questions that swirl through its brain - Do I love you enough? What is ...
Views: 2276 - Yes and No - by Submitted on Jan 19, 2015 from Sheryl PaulSometimes an anger surges up in me about how abysmally this culture guides and takes care of its members around transitions. We expect engaged women and men to put on a happy face from proposal through honeymoon, ignoring their innate need to grieve the loss of their singlehood and honor their ...
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