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Articles from Margaret Paul | Selfgrowth.com
- ***Healing Social Phobia - by Submitted on Oct 19, 2009 from Margaret PaulWhat is Social Phobia?Social phobia - or social anxiety - is the fear of interacting with others in various situations: groups, work, school, parties, on the telephone, in a market or store, and so on. People with social phobia experience extreme anxiety or panic when they know that they have to ...
Views: 5235(5 votes) - ***Am I in a Healthy Relationship? - by Submitted on May 12, 2010 from Margaret PaulFrequently, my clients and members of our website ask me, "Is my relationship healthy? How do I know if it is healthy?"Just as physical health is on a continuum, emotional health and relationship health are also on a continuum. And, like physical health, each person may have different ...
Views: 5233(4 votes) - *** Giving Up: Have You Given Up on Yourself? - by Submitted on Aug 19, 2009 from Margaret Paul"I feel like giving up," Emma told me in our first phone session. "I've worked and worked on myself and I'm still miserable. I've had years of therapy and I still feel unbearably depressed. Nothing is working.""It sounds to me like you are abandoning ...
Views: 5129(4 votes) - ***Addictions: Talking as a Form of Resistance - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2010 from Margaret PaulI am sitting with Bryan at one of my 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensives. Bryan is talking about one thing after another, and I cannot follow him at all. Nor can I connect with him. My loneliness in sitting with him is giving me important information - that he is in his head, in his wounded self, ...
Views: 5115(3 votes) - ***Are You Caring or Caretaking? - by Submitted on Jun 16, 2010 from Margaret PaulCaring = giving to another from love, for the joy of it - as a free gift Caretaking = giving to get love, giving with an agenda attached, giving yourself upEven though the actions of caring and the actions of caretaking might look exactly the same, the intention is totally different, so the ...
Views: 5111(3 votes) - ***Men, Women, And Sex - by Submitted on Dec 21, 2007 from Margaret PaulDuring my many years of counseling couples, I have frequently worked with the sexual problems that often occur in marriages. The most common complaint from men regarding sex is frequency, and the most common complaint from woman is lack of emotional intimacy. There is a very good reason why ...
Views: 5110 - ***The Power of Tears - by Submitted on Sep 09, 2010 from Margaret Paul"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." - Golda MeirDo you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body?Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of ...
Views: 5081(3 votes) - Do You REALLY Want to Lose Weight? - by Submitted on Feb 05, 2011 from Margaret PaulIf you asked almost any overweight person, "Do you really want to lose weight?" the answer is likely, "Yes, I would love to lose weight."If most overweight and obese people would so love to lose weight that they spend billions a year on trying to lose weight, why is our ...
Views: 5063(4 votes) - "Why Are My Partners Always Needy?" - by Submitted on Jun 04, 2010 from Margaret PaulAngelo had been married to Serena for 15 years before divorcing. In his marriage, Angelo was a caretaker, always trying to please Serena, always trying to get her approval and avoid her disapproval. Serena was a taker - handing responsibility to Angelo for her happiness and often angry with him ...
Views: 5019(2 votes) - ***Disengaging From Your Family of Origin - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2009 from Margaret Paul"Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother."But what if your father and mother didn't honor you? What if instead of loving and honoring you they physically, sexually and emotionally abused you? What if you were scared every day of your growing up years? And what if, when you finally grow up and ...
Views: 4984(3 votes) - "Why Won't my Partner Have Sex With Me?" - by Submitted on Jun 09, 2010 from Margaret PaulI have worked with individuals and couples for the past 42 years, and I have heard this question countless times: "Why doesn't my partner want to have sex with me?"Over and over, I discover that there is often ONE major reason he or she doesn’t want to have sex.Take Lawrence as ...
Views: 4940(3 votes) - ***Healing Love and Approval Addiction - by Submitted on Feb 24, 2010 from Margaret PaulAre you love or approval addicted?Do you often feel empty inside if you are not in a relationship?Do you often feel empty inside even if you are in a relationship but your partner is not paying attention to you?Do you get anxious when a person you are dating does not contact you when you expect ...
Views: 4926(3 votes) - Addiction to Spending - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2010 from Margaret Paul"I keep getting into more and more debt, but I can't seem to stop. I do great for a while, and then I just have to go shopping and buy stuff. This is going to ruin my life if I don't stop, but how do I stop?"Mary Beth is addicted to spending. What does this mean and how can she ...
Views: 4904(3 votes) - The ONE Major Cause of Relationship Problems! - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2010 from Margaret PaulWhat if there really is ONE major cause of relationship problems, one issue that if you address, would change everything? The good news and the bad news is - there is!The good news is that it makes it easier to understand why you might be having problems in your relationship.The bad news is that ...
Views: 4903(2 votes) - *** Why Don't I Have Friends? - by Submitted on Aug 04, 2009 from Margaret Paul"Why don't I have friends?" asked Isabella in one of our phone counseling sessions.Isabella, 25 and very attractive, was having a problem that many people have. Sometimes, if people don't keep their high school friends or meet friends in college or at work, they may have trouble making ...
Views: 4901(2 votes) - ***A Different Kind of New Year's Resolution - by Submitted on Dec 30, 2009 from Margaret PaulThere are two kinds of New Year's Resolutions:What you are going to do to accomplish your goalsWho you want to beMany New Year's Resolutions are of the first kind:I'm going to lose 25 pounds this yearI'm going to exercise every dayI'm going to learn self-disciplineI'm going to double my ...
Views: 4886(5 votes) - What is Emotional Freedom? - by Submitted on Jul 15, 2010 from Margaret PaulMy definition of emotional freedom is being free from feeling like a victim of and controlled by our emotions. We are emotionally free when we know how to learn from and manage our feelings so that we are not reactive to them and they don't control us.How Do We Attain Emotional Freedom? ...
Views: 4874(2 votes) - ***Are You or Your Partner Possessive? - by Submitted on Aug 10, 2011 from Margaret Paul"I freak out when my husband even looks at another woman. I trust him not to wander, so I don't know why this upsets me so much.""My partner spends too much time with her friends and family. What's the point of being together if she's always gone a couple of nights a ...
Views: 4869(3 votes) - ***The Heart of Healing - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2010 from Margaret PaulI have spent many years trying to discover the ONE thing - the one vital choice - that leads to healing and joy, or to suffering.Over 35 years ago I discovered an essential piece of the puzzle: that we each have only one to two intents at any given moment - to protect against pain and ...
Views: 4863(5 votes) - *** "I'm Consumed With My Ex - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2012 from Margaret Paul________________________________________ Discover why you might be obsessing about an ex and how to stop. ________________________________________ "How do I stop allowing my ex to consume my thoughts?" asks Tammy. "Is your ex consuming your thoughts, or are you consumed with your ex?" I ...
Views: 4832 - ***Does Psychotherapy Work? - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2009 from Margaret PaulMany years ago, when I became a psychotherapist, all I knew was the traditional psychotherapy that I had learned in school, and that I had personally experienced with many different therapists and many different forms of therapy. For 18 years I practiced what I had learned, and I was never happy ...
Views: 4832(9 votes) - *** Marriage: Responsibility vs. Fault - by Submitted on Feb 04, 2008 from Margaret PaulIn my counseling practice, I often hear people saying things like: "It's my fault that she asked for a divorce. If I hadn't worked so much, she wouldn't have left." "It's my fault that he left. If I had been more sexual, he wouldn't have had an affair." I often hear clients ask, when I ...
Views: 4750(2 votes) - ***Healing Envy - by Submitted on Nov 17, 2010 from Margaret Paul"I have a question about envy. I'm not talking about jealousy but specifically envy and how to be happy for someone else's good fortune. I feel like I have broke new ground on this issue as I have genuinely been able to feel happy for someone else recently who achieved something I hadn't but ...
Views: 4750(2 votes) - ***"If I'm Perfect, No One Will Reject Me" - Healing Perfectionism - by Submitted on Feb 11, 2011 from Margaret PaulDo you believe that being "perfect" gives you control over how people feel about you?"If you do, then you are coming from 3 big false beliefs that are causing you much unhappiness.False Belief #1"I can have control over how people feel about me."Think for a moment ...
Views: 4738(4 votes) - The Fear of Being Alone - by Submitted on Nov 23, 2006 from Margaret PaulGina consulted with me because her marriage was falling apart. She had discovered that her husband was having yet another affair, and when he was with her, he was either angry or withdrawn. She had requested numerous times that he join her in couples therapy, but he had no interest in healing ...
Views: 4675(1 vote) - Addiction to Gossip - by Submitted on Nov 11, 2010 from Margaret PaulA member of Inner Bonding Village asked the following question:"I'm a little confused. My mother is visiting me, and sometimes we have a nice time together. But often her way of bonding with me or anyone else is to talk about other people's problems. Most of the time I find it draining. It ...
Views: 4654(1 vote) - *** The Power of Positive Thinking - Does it Work to Manifest? - by Submitted on May 26, 2009 from Margaret PaulI was recently at home of a friend's daughter and she had affirmations taped on the walls everywhere. "Are these helpful to you?" I asked. "Not really," she answered. "I do them all the time but they don't seem to be doing anything. I've read about the law of ...
Views: 4642(3 votes) - ***Caretaking: A Covert Form of Narcissism - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2011 from Margaret PaulI used to think that caretaking was the opposite of narcissism. I thought that narcissists were people who demanded that others give themselves up to care-take the narcissist. I thought that caretakers were people who were programmed to take care of others instead of themselves. I thought that ...
Views: 4614(2 votes) - ***Women Who Wish Their Spouses Would Die - by Submitted on Oct 26, 2009 from Margaret Paul"I feel awful saying this," Mary told me during one of our phone counseling sessions, "but I often wish my husband would die. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I think about it a lot.""I hear this fairly often," I responded. "You are thinking this, ...
Views: 4602(4 votes) - *** What Creates Confidence? - by Submitted on Jul 28, 2009 from Margaret PaulThe Encarta World English Dictionary defines "confidence" as "a belief or self-assurance in your ability to succeed."We all know people who appear to be very confident professionally, yet when it comes to personal relationships, appear to be very insecure.Personal confidence ...
Views: 4560(5 votes) - Relationships: "I'm Open, You're Closed" - by Submitted on Oct 19, 2010 from Margaret PaulRianna and Joel consulted with me because they kept getting stuck in their relationship whenever there was a conflict. It wasn't the issue itself that kept creating a problem, but how they were dealing with the issue. Married for 7 years with three children, they loved each other deeply, and ...
Views: 4547(1 vote) - Life's One Achievable Goal - by Submitted on May 19, 2010 from Margaret PaulMost of us have many goals in life. These goals might have to do with work, finances, relationships and family.Some of the goals that many people strive for are to feel worthy, loved, and valued. Many people spend much time in their lives seeking the approval of others, believing that getting ...
Views: 4538(6 votes) - Diet, Anxiety and Depression - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2009 from Margaret PaulMarianne consulted with me because of anxiety and depression. She had tried various forms of medication but was not reacting well to any of the drugs. She was exhausted from lack of sleep, and from the intense anxiety that kept waking her up. While there were challenges in her life, like in ...
Views: 4445 - What to do if Your Spouse Won't Go to Counseling - by Submitted on May 08, 2007 from Margaret Paul"What should I do if my spouse won't go to counseling?" I often hear this from my clients. What are they really saying with this question? Generally, they are saying something like: "My unhappiness is coming from my spouse's behavior," or "The problems in our marriage are my spouses' fault," ...
Views: 4430 - ***The Relationship Trap: "Let's Talk." - by Submitted on May 28, 2010 from Margaret Paul"Let's talk tonight," said Callie."Oh no, not again!" thought Darren as he gave Callie a blank stare, feeling like a deer in the headlights.Darren knew from past experience that "Let's talk," meant, "Let's talking about what you are doing wrong, and about how ...
Views: 4406(2 votes) - Do You Get Frustrated With Others? - by Submitted on Apr 22, 2010 from Margaret Paul"I feel so frustrated when Mark is late," complained Shauna, during our phone session. "What am I supposed to do with all this frustration?"Shauna believed that her feeling of frustration was being caused by Mark. But this was not the case.Frustration is the result of an ...
Views: 4402(3 votes) - Gaining Others' Respect - by Submitted on Mar 01, 2010 from Margaret PaulWe all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic?Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, "should" be ...
Views: 4402(7 votes) - ***Are Kindness and Tenderness Signs of Weakness? - by Submitted on Dec 07, 2010 from Margaret Paul"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution."~Kahlil GibranOver the 42 years that I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have heard countless times:"If I cry in movies people will think I’m ...
Views: 4336(2 votes) - Connecting With Your Higher Self - by Submitted on Jun 12, 2007 from Margaret PaulWhen you want to listen to a particular radio station, you tune your radio to that station, tuning in to a particular frequency. Same when you want to watch a particular show on TV. It is the frequency you tune into that determines what you hear and what you see. Our brains operate in very much ...
Views: 4273 - Five Secrets to Weight Loss - by Submitted on Feb 05, 2011 from Margaret PaulWeight loss - such a "big" topic! Every month another book or program is out by another expert on weight loss. Everyone wants to know the secret to losing weight.Weight used to be a major issue for me. Losing weight was never out of my thoughts, and I can't tell you how many ...
Views: 4268(1 vote) - ***Anger Power - by Submitted on Aug 31, 2009 from Margaret PaulDoes anger have power? Are you being powerful when you are angry? The answers to these questions depend on what you mean by power. Certainly you can intimidate many people with your anger - especially children or others who are physically weaker than you, or people who are terrified of ...
Views: 4266(4 votes) - Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2004 from Margaret PaulWhat if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ...
Views: 4253(2 votes) - Do You Need Others' Approval? - by Submitted on May 23, 2007 from Margaret Paul"At work, every time I have to speak at meetings, I get so stressed." "I’m taking a class and I'm always afraid to raise my hand and ask a question." "I'm fine one to one, but as soon as I get into a group, I'm so tense I can hardly stand it." "I'm totally relaxed with my women friends, but ...
Views: 4251(1 vote) - Forgiving Your Parents - by Submitted on Sep 22, 2007 from Margaret Paul"My parents were distant, unaffectionate people. I don't remember ever being held by them. They were never interested in how I thought or felt. I never felt important to them at all." "My mother was crazy - nice one minute and the next a screaming maniac. My father was sweet but he was never ...
Views: 4229(1 vote) - Enmeshed Parenting - by Submitted on Nov 03, 2010 from Margaret Paul"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."-- Kahlil Gibran Symptoms of enmeshed parenting:Your children's good or difficult ...
Views: 4228(4 votes) - Lying as a Form of Control - by Submitted on Jul 12, 2010 from Margaret PaulAll of us, as we were growing up, learned a myriad of ways to try to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. One of the ways we might have learned is to lie.We all had many opportunities to learn this way of protecting ourselves, which is a form of manipulation/control:A ...
Views: 4226(1 vote) - Love Addiction, Approval Addiction - by Submitted on Jan 07, 2007 from Margaret PaulIn my experience as a counselor for 40 years, I have found that love addiction and approval addiction are far more prevalent than any other substance or process addictions. We live in a love-addicted, approval-addicted society. What does it mean to be love/approval addicted? Below is a ...
Views: 4223(1 vote) - Parenting: Emotional Incest - by Submitted on Oct 29, 2007 from Margaret PaulJacob, a participant in one of my telephone support groups, was exploring the fact that he generally didn't like to be touched. He was sharing with the group a situation that used to happen with his mother. "She used to sit me on the couch with her and grab my arms and look intently into my ...
Views: 4146 - *** Relationships: The Art of Listening - by Submitted on Jun 10, 2009 from Margaret PaulIn 1974, Dr. Virginia Satir presented the concept of mirroring in her groundbreaking book, "Conjoint Family Therapy." In 1975 Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote a best-selling book called "Parent Effectiveness Training." In the book he taught parents to "active listen," which ...
Views: 4142(5 votes) - Beyond Misery Junk! - by Submitted on Oct 28, 2010 from Margaret PaulWhat creates your misery?Junk!What kind of junk?Junk thoughtsJunk FoodJunk drugsJunk ThoughtsJunk thoughts are any thoughts that create anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, blame, resentment, jealousy, envy – any thoughts that create misery.We all have junk thoughts at times, but many ...
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