The Greatest Gift

Life was good, or so I thought. I truly believed I had everything a man could want to be happy and yet, I could not figure out why I was so miserable!

My childhood was about as "normal" as they come. I was the youngest of six children in a semi-dysfunctional Irish-Catholic family from a suburban, middle-class neighborhood. I was always considered very popular but an under-achiever in school.I had many friends and too many girlfriends, which I would later find out was the first sign of my issues. I had an insatiable need for acceptance. I was the kind of kid that would do just about anything to be liked. In Middle school this took the form of bullying to impress my "friends", but it was most damaging in female relationships. I was engaging in behavior completely inappropriate for a 12 or 13 year old boy. This started out as "innocent" fondling, which then led to oral sex and threesomes. By the time I was in the 8th grade I had no respect for myself let alone any female I was interested in. This dysfunctional perception led to seeing girls as more of a conquest than an respectful friendship. It really didn't matter how beautiful, intelligent, or charming a girlfriend was, my appetite for attention would trump everything! I had two "serious" girlfriends in High School and some less serious, I cheated on all of them. If there was a girl that wanted to "get together" it didn't matter where or when, I was in!

I wish I could say these were just the actions of a misguided young boy, but this pattern followed me into adulthood. I married at 24 to a girl I had known most of my life. We had two beautiful children, a nice home, nice cars and a comfortable life style. I owned my own business and felt I had achieved all of my life's goals, but my need for acceptance was still not satisfied! I found myself still seeking female attention just about anywhere I could and would accept it without condition. I used alcohol to medicate myself, to numb the deep emotions that were eating away at my soul. Though my wife never learned of the affairs, the marriage obviosly suffered. there was no real emotion expressed, no intimacy, we never even went out together alone. On the surface we were a typical happy family living the American Dream, but just below the surface was unspeakable pain and suffering.

At age 34, everything began to change. I had a conversation with an old friend that turned into something magical, a friendship and a partnership in spiritual growth. I don't think either of us new at the time, but we were at the beginning of a spiritual awakening. Ironically, or maybe as a result of this awakening, everything I had built in my life began to crumble. My business started losing money, my drinking increased, and my marriage was completely unimportant to me. Though my spiritual partner was always there to point me in the right direction, I was unable to see how my habitual patterns of behavior were leading me down a path of self-destruction.

Then the bottom fell out! Amid mounting bills, crippling debt and a loveless marriage, I decided it was time to throw in the towel. I closed the business, left my wife and filed for divorce. Now I had nothing, well, nothing but the crippling debt. For all of my years of doing things for attention and acceptance, I now found myself utterly alone and penniless. My car was repossessed, my heat was shut off and I was later evicted. This was the Greatest Gift in my life.

In the midst of my depression, My spiritual partner gave me a DVD by Wayne Dyer. This began my new journey. I started to read and listen to some of the great teachers of our time, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, Byron Katie, Martha Beck and more. I was becoming aware of who I really was. For the first time, I turned the lens around and started looking within rather outside of me for the answers and the answers came pouring out. I realized I had spent my entire life seeking acceptance from others because I never really accepted myself. I was playing a role that was scripted by my parents, siblings, friends and co-workers that had NOTHING to do with who I was.

Through my spiritual partnership and countless hours of conversation and profound thought, I found I was emerging from a long deep sleep. Most of the significant changes didn't happen over night, it was a slow evolution. I began to realize I no longer had a desire for female attention, alcohol for medicating the pain, or superficial relationships. My large circle of friends became very small and there was a brief sense of loss during that period, what Martha Beck describes as "the empty elevator" but I realized that those who were left were very special to me.

It is difficult to describe the sense of inner peace and joy that is attained through living a spiritually conscious lifestyle, true expression of emotion is always limited by words. I can only tell you this, when you forgive yourself, you forgive all others, when you accept yourself, you stop seeking the attention of others, and when you truly love yourself, you lose any need for self protection because no one on this Earth can harm you! You will see the world through a new lens. Relationships are built on understanding, authenticity and mutual growth. You become your own source of inspiration and you love for the sake of loving without need for anything in return. This is true freedom. Freedom from suffering and incessant thinking that plagues the mind, freedom from habitual self-sabotaging behavior and freedom from toxic and unsatisfying relationships.

Since the days of my awakening, I have chosen a different path in life. I chose to change careers and follow my purpose. Rather than serving people food and drinks to help them forget about their problems, I became a Life Coach to help them work through those problems. I finally understand the phrase "Do what you love and you will never work another day in your life"!

Our life is about the choices we make everyday, with each choice you make, you create your life. If you are unhappy today, chose again, you will always be given the chance to chose differently. If you are looking for answers, look inside yourself. Know that you were born with infinite power and endless possibilities. When making decisions...accept ALL possibilities, then choose best! May peace and Happiness be yours!!

Nameste'