The Gifts of Grief

The Gifts of Grief? What a crazy title for an article. How could anyone see anything positive in grief? It is painful, it is overwhelming, it is always unwelcomed, and it is unfamiliar territory until you enter the situation. So how can I say there are gifts of grief? A gift usually denotes a present or surprise — an unknown, unexpected benefaction or offering. That is precisely what the gifts of grief are --- while experiencing grief, we have absolutely no idea that there might be positive outcomes in such a devastating situation. How can that be? It appears to be a contradiction in terms. How can one imagine living through life's most devastating trauma and expecting a result to be anything positive, useful or beneficial? My response is that we are responsible for planning it that way. We knew what life lessons we needed to learn and therefore planned them into our chart prior to coming into this life. However, how could we know that?
We know this because we are more knowledgeable, more aware of and more insightful about our spiritual life before coming into this physical life. We cannot fathom the wisdom of our higher self, our soul, our spiritual self that creates our life charts prior to coming into this physical life and therefore we have difficulty understanding how we could design such inconceivable difficulties on our own accord. However, it is on this spiritual level that we recognize what our soul needs to learn through our life lessons and then we develop our life plans from this level of understanding.

Perhaps we could blame our "higher self" if it is too difficult a concept to grasp but this is a point where faith enters our life. Faith does not have to be "God" if one does not ascribe to that concept but it can be a force beyond this life, a source, a creator, the universe — but something greater than us that knows of a greater purpose — a greater reason why situations, life events, circumstances "happen to us" in our lives. Something beyond us knows better than we do. This belief is why I have difficulty understanding how anyone can move through grief without faith. How can anyone reconcile the stillborn birth, the toddler that succumbs to leukemia, the traumatic accidental death of teenagers? We are so alone in our grief and we cannot comprehend this alone, but with faith there is a greater (and we can come to understand that it is logical) reason as to why these events happen.

Although I never carried the reputation of a religious extremist during my lifetime, I have become stronger in my personal beliefs since my son's death. Was I angry with God? Absolutely. Was I depressed? Positively. Did I suffer from PTSD symptoms and guilt? Definitely. Like many others, I experienced the deep pit of initial despair and the trudge through my early grief. However, I cannot imagine my grief journey without acknowledging the part my faith played in recognizing my growth through my process. As I trusted my newly evolving life, my faith became stronger, my beliefs solidified and the heavy burden of moving through my journey lifted. I know I will see my son again just as every other parent shall who has shared the pain of letting go of their parent-child relationship. This strengthening of my trust and faith are two of the gifts of grief.
I would not have acquired the awarenesses and growth my life encountered without experiencing a trauma of this magnitude. Naturally, we are not able to visualize the “gift” portion of our grief until we have a history of charting our internal world’s journey. Early grief distress fogs our perceptions and makes mindfulness impossible. But when we allow ourselves to move through some of the pain and the devastation of grief and loss, we are able to revisit the life we have survived and perhaps recognize the hope and promise that seeing life through different eyes exposes. It is through this hope and faith that we are able to recognize the possibility of any positive aspects of our pain. Faith and acceptance allows us to discover the blessings we planned through our grief process. We are not and will not ever be the same person we were prior to our child’s death. We need to give ourselves time to move through our process on our own timeline. An individual’s grief process cannot be compared, rushed, avoided, and you cannot imitate someone else’s journey.

Once we allow that sliver of light --- (that glimmer of hope) it will become easier to recognize the positive and the gifts that we planned for ourselves. Give yourself time to move through the process. One’s individual journey will produce personal gifts that will affect not only the rest of your life but also how you may find purpose in living beyond your grief.