Likeability is good for your relationship health. I’m reading “The Likeability Factor” by Tim Sanders, and he also gives lots of WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) reasons why one should choose to be likeable. It will impact your health, wealth and relationships — the “big three” for most people. I’m not finished with the book yet, so I can’t speak to all of his conclusions. I can say that he is witty, inspiring, and gives practical tips to being more “likable.”

Now I want to add something that occurs to me as I’m reading this enjoyable book. I’ve been really focusing on “intention” lately: Why do I want to do what I do? I’m starting with “why” not only for my purpose and business platform, but also my “why” for my relationships, in general. It occurs to me that a deeper intention for likeability is to first like yourself so that you are not trying to “get” people to like you.

Your relationship to “self” is your primary and most important relationship from which everything else in life flows. Have you ever wondered why so many people — most, I dare say — are “trying” to be/get “liked”? It’s because we are so wired to look for love, security, and self-esteem outside of ourselves instead of first embracing who we are and coming from this space.

It occurs to me if we like/love ourselves first, we can simply share our enthusiasm for life with others instead of trying to manipulate, control, or “get” from someone else.

We can then simply be ourselves – magnificently! Just think, if we feel genuine appreciation, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves (instead of beating ourselves up to “motivate” or feel “humble”) we will feel more confident and lovable. This will naturally lead to the charisma and radiance to attract others who will feel inspired to be near us. Also — and this is so important, so pay attention — what you believe about yourself will form your perception and will project out onto others.

What this means is that if you have self-acceptance, appreciation, and compassion you are more likely to hold these feelings true for others, as well. Now think: would you be prone to like someone who saw you through the eyes of acceptance, appreciation, and compassion? You bet you would. How do you feel when you are around someone who causes you to feel appreciated and accepted and who empathizes with you instead of judging you?

I’m convinced that the quickest, most powerful and authentic way to being “likeable” is to like yourself.

The reason most people don’t like/love themselves is because it’s been “trained” out of them. Do you really think we were born not liking ourselves? I think not. This behavior/feeling is conditioned and is the source of much relationship chaos and sabotage. So, treat yourself as you would a growing perennial flower garden that blossoms with love, nurturance, and in its own season.

When we want beautiful flowers, we love and care for them. Even our pets are happiest when we love them. Why not do the same for you? What a silly belief we humans hold that says we should reject ourselves and then expect to be joyful and happy. Look around you! If the dominant belief is that “self-love” is “bad” or narcissistic (check out — I was shocked to see how self-love is defined), don’t be surprised if you see a world full of stressed-out and unhappy people. Well, the state of society speaks for itself.

Like yourself, love yourself, and you will be more likeable because you will radiate more acceptance, appreciation, and compassion/empathy for others.

Author's Bio: 

Valencia Ray, M.D. teaches business owners and corporate leaders how their amazing brain can actually hijack personal power -- not in the abstract, but in the context of integrating business and personal life. Dr. Ray, a board-certified eye surgeon and medical business owner for over 20 years before selling her practice, shares her own life changing process. By sharing her story, she helps others to expand their vision and learn that by living with purpose and confidence, it is possible to have a more integrated, healthier lifestyle – with less struggle, more inner peace and more abundance.

For more information and to contact her regarding dynamic, inspirational keynotes, trainings in collaborative leadership and team building, entrepreneurship and coaching programs, visit her website at