As I sit here with Christmas only days away, I look back at my abysmal failures as a single Dad over the last two years and ponder upon my capabilities of being a Dad, much less a single Dad. This past year has been filled with horrendous decisions and mistakes, and only by God's grace shall the three of us be spared the consequences of those decisions made by a supposedly responsible parent.
I have failed. I have failed miserably as a Dad, as a Daddy, and even more so as a Father. I have failed as a human being. I have failed because of one thing. I have failed because of my ego.

While as a parent, there is a responsibility to provide for young children financially, there is an even greater responsibility to provide for them emotionally and spiritually. Because of my tunneling quest to provide for them in the financial arena, I have failed threefold in the emotional and spiritual arenas.

The more that friends and relatives began to tell me of what an honorable and great thing I had done by patiently and deliberately plotting my way to full custody of my girls, now 8 and 6, the more I began to believe that my efforts truly were of gargantuan effort. The more I began to believe, the louder the voice of my ego grew. As a result, and in direct correlation, the time spent with Skylar and Savannah became less and less.

I began to believe that I could replace myself. I hired a wonderful nanny who I thought would fill their world with the maternal love they were lacking. I signed them up for every activity imaginable. In doing so, however, I simply deceived myself and justified to myself that a stable financial future was their primary need. It also allowed me to do those things for me that were pleasurable. By working harder I could accomplish success for them while at the same time have more fun. How strange the world of justification is.

What I accomplished over the last year was merely a step back onto the hamster wheel, and permission for me to once again live the ego driven life whereby I was the MAN. I was bright, good with people, and loved by all. I could conquer the world. Having started over in life at fifty, I would take a few more risks than others but quickly right the financial ship that I had wrecked so well in an earlier life. I would find the shiny stars that would help me rebuild an empire in short order.

And find the shiny stars I did. I believed anything and everything that seemed to have a chance to propel me there in supersonic fashion. Unfortunately for all, those shiny stars flashed brilliantly and suddenly flamed out into black holes. In addition to that my ego, by then burning brightly, alienated even more.

I come from a world where one is too much and a thousand never enough. I come from a world whereby ego spells death. I am best when I live my life from a place of humility. My girls are best served when I live my life from a place of humility. While the ego for some people may be healthy, for me it is disastrous, as there is no one smarter than me when I am in that world.

After much serious thought over the past few weeks I have concluded that Skylar and Savannah will remember their time with me far more than they will ever remember anything of a material nature that I give them. If I give them the most important gift of all, the ability not to need me, I will have provided for all of their financial, emotional and spiritual needs for life. More information here

They are two beautiful little souls who need me much more than things, and after a long and arduous year of false values, I am here once again ready to provide them just that. It may very well be from the confines of a shelter and a soup kitchen, but it will be well worth it, for it is in the sharing of my experience, strength and hope that my love for them is truly given.

Author's Bio: 

Freelance Digital Marketing Strategy Consultant with a focus on SEO. I love writing tech related stuff while I drink my first coffee at 5 am. I also have 2 dogs that make my life complete.