Surviving Abuse: Part I

Why did this happen to me? How could God let it happen to me? These are the questions we often ask ourselves when we are victims of any kind of abuse...whether it be spousal abuse or stranger abuse.

Now that I have your attention, allow me to introduce myself. I am Loretta Hall, victim of both spousal abuse and a survivor of a sexual abuse crime. At the present time, I am a Certified Life Coach who specializes in helping people overcome the residual effects of abuse. Through the efforts of a Christian counselor and comfort, healing, and guidance from God, I was able to overcome and become a survivor and a helper to those who are going through similar circumstances.

First, let me address the issue of sexual abuse. There are several stages that our mind and emotions go through after experiencing sexual abuse.

1. Guilt: I must have done something horribly wrong if God let this happen to me. God did not cause this to happen to you. It was the devil living in the heart of the perpetrator that caused it to happen. God is a god of love and nothing you did can separate you from that love enough to make Him consider revenge in that way. It will take you a long time to do this, but you must learn to pray that God will forgive him and that someone will lead him to salvation so that this will not happen to anyone else and cause them the same grief that it caused you.

2. Fear: It will make you fear every man whom you come in contact with for a while. This is normal after what you have been through. Let your comforter (the Holy Spirit) replace that fear with love and forgiveness. Surround yourself with Christian men so that you can see that all men are not that way. Tell God how afraid you are and allow Him to comfort and heal you.

3. Anger: You will be angry not only at the man who did it but also at every man on the face of the earth and also at God. Remember that there was something in that man's heart and mind that made him do this and it was something that the devil placed there. He also very likely had mental and emotional problems. You will probably never know what his childhood was like or if he, himself, was a victim of abuse. This would not excuse what he did to you...only give you a reason for it.

4. Introverted: You will withdraw into yourself and not want to associate with anyone. You feel unworthy of their friendship. Make a list of all your good qualities and accomplishments in your life to prove that you are a worthy person. Remember that we don't have to earn God's love and if someone is truly a Christian, then we will not have to earn their love, either.

5. Un-trusting: You will no longer trust any man for a deep commitment. This is especially true if the perpetrator was an acquaintance. Surround yourself with men of God who will be ready and willing to prove that they are trustworthy. Allow them to show you that they can be trusted in the little things and then it will be easier to trust them in the bigger circumstances.

Don't let any man into your home for a while. Any Christian man will understand this if he knows the circumstances. Even if you don't want him to know what happened to you, this is a good rule for all single women. If you do become interested in a man, arrange to meet him in church the first few times.

6. Close-mouthed: You will not want to talk about your experience with anyone for a while. When you do decide to share, it should be to a professional Christian counselor. Even women friends at church are not the answer sometimes. I had one close friend tell me that she would rather die than "let" a man do that to her! As if I had any choice. Seek out a professional for help.

7. Self-centered: It will seem like no one else has ever suffered as much as you and you don't want to hear about their problems. Remember, Jesus suffered a crucifixion on the cross for you. Nothing you have endured can come close to that. Also, remember that the quickest way to make your problems seem smaller is to focus
on someone else's problems and try to help them solve theirs. This is one of the hardest things to do because you will be very "me-centered" at this time. No matter what your situation is, there is always someone out there who is under worse circumstances than you are.

8. Prayer-less: You will blame God and not want to talk to Him at all. However, He will always be there waiting on you to come back to Him and give Him your problems.
Nothing is bigger than God's ability to handle it. It is okay to cry out to Him and tell Him that you blame Him. He can handle it and He can show you that it was not His fault.

9. Anti-sexual: Even if you are married, you will not want any man to touch you for awhile in a sexual manner. You will, however, still want to be held and comforted. Healing will come in this areas also in time. Tell your partner how you are feeling and why and that you need time to heal. If he really loves you, he will wait until you are ready.

10. Vindictive: You will want revenge on the man who hurt you. This is alright to a certain extent. He should be prosecuted and punished. Don't feel guilty about this because you may be saving another woman from going through what you went through. But do not carry hate in your heart forever. This will hurt you more than it will hurt him. Remember, God says if we cannot forgive others then He will not forgive us. If you have hate in your heart, you cannot show the love of God to others who need it. Remember how much God loves you and every other person in this world, including the man who committed this dastardly crime against you. If God can forgive him and send His son to die for him, then who are we not to forgive?

11. Anti-children: You will not want to bring another child into this world for fear that they might have to go through these same circumstances. Remember that children are a blessing from God and even if they do have to bear some of the same evils that you did, God is powerful enough to get them through it. Remember also that if you raise your children with the teachings of God, then they are not likely to become perpetrators of such a crime.

Please ponder on these things and say them in front of a mirror every day for at least six months:

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!
God did not cause it to happen.
I am a worthy person.
I can forgive, not hate.
Others can help me get over this.
All men are not criminals.
God is waiting on me to bring this problem to Him.

If you need professional help with this or any other life problem, please contact me and allow God and I to help you get through it. Go to my website at www.agapecoaching.us and call me or email me your information and let's get started on the road to recovery! May God bless you and have a great day.