Sex, Diets and Success: The Failure of the Self-Help Movement

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Are you tired all the time? Overwhelmed by everything you have to do? Having trouble managing your time? Setting priorities is the answer. Do the big stuff first, then the pebbles and lastly put the sand in the jar around the other stuff. If you don’t do it, no one is going to do it for you.

Sex, diets and success. You can have it all – except the weight of course.

Okay we get it. We are responsible for our own lives. And there is a simple easy solution to all of life’s ills. That’s the message the self-help industry has been drilling into our brains for decades. You’ve probably heard about the man who shyly entered the bookstore and shuffled up to the customer service desk. “Can you direct me to the self-help section please?” he mumbled. The customer service rep looked down at him, over her reading glasses and replied: “That would be defeating the point sir.”

But what has this era of self-responsibility actually done to people? Surprisingly, the results are devastating.

The below-conscious logic goes like this:

If I’m responsible for myself and only I can solve my own problems and it’s up to me to make myself successful,

then, who’s fault is it when:

• My job is awful
• I can’t make ends meet or get out of debt
• I can’t lose weight
• I don’t have time to eat properly
• It’s hard to communicate with my partner
• My kids won’t do as they are told
• There is so much to do I can’t cope
• And I can’t get it up?

Is it any surprise why so many people report feelings of self-loathing? “I should have been able to do something about this, but I haven’t. So there is clearly something seriously the matter with me.” It’s even worse when someone has had success in a number of areas. “Why can’t I just conquer this problem when I’ve dealt with even harder issues? What’s wrong with me?”

According to the National Institutes of Health, approximately one-third of all American adults are overweight. And at any given time, between 20 - 40 percent of adults are trying to lose weight. The most predictable reactions to statistics like these are feelings of blame or shame.*

This logic is invisible to the eye, inaudible to the ear, and yet the feelings of “it’s my fault” are there in the pit of the stomach. As soon as one accepts the belief that everything is within one’s power, the logical conclusion is that it’s their fault when there is something they haven’t solved. And who doesn’t have on-going challenges in their life?

Well, maybe there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe you have been sold a bill of goods.

The merchants of success taunt us with seductive language and promises. And it usually follows a formula. First they talk about possibilities, the sky’s the limit, imagine all the ways you could benefit if you…; get you to imagine what life could be if only. This is called Options language, which puts people in a mind to be imaginative, creative; a highly visual mode where you start to see your own private yacht.

Next they propose a solution and make it sound easy. In fact the solution often does it for you. You don’t need to take any initiative. Just sit back and let the money roll in.

Lastly come the testimonials. Look at how people just like you (or even better – complete losers) have turned their life around. If they can do it, what’s stopping you?

If they have hooked you in an area that you are sensitive about, you get so excited, you sign up. How could anyone resist? Anything you can imagine, you can do. Believing is seeing. Personally I have spent thousands on lose weight programs, since weight management has often been a challenge for me – and one about which I’ve felt guilty.

The Letdown

So once a person has signed on, they are given lots of information. Just making sense of everything is often a challenge. As you make your way through the process you are still hot to trot, especially when you see the merchants have worked out all the details. Yes, it’s true, all you have to do is follow the proven formula and it can all be yours.

The problem is that actually following the system is as demotivating as practicing piano or doing your homework was when you were a kid. The only way to succeed is to relentlessly follow the step-by-step procedure laid out. They will give encouragement along the way to make you believe it’s easy. “All you have to do is follow the easy steps.”

You were in an Options mode when you signed on, inspired by all the possibilities. Not in a Procedures mode where you might have enjoyed following through, attending to each and every step to complete and finish before you start the next thing.

The merchants of success seem so congruent and believable. Because they succeeded themselves, they believe anyone should be able to do it. What’s good for me is good for you. What’s good for GM is good for America. They send out an irresistible call to people with “Options-imagine the possibilities” language, but the only way to succeed is by following Procedures. Most people attracted to the call fail because they can’t follow the procedure, and then blame themselves. Then the merchants can sell them the next miracle cure.

Many self-described self-help junkies have a habit of starting projects without being able to complete them because they get distracted by other options and possibilities.

The personal consequences are self-destructive. Even though it ought to be easy, I still couldn’t do it. On top of that since each person is supposed to have all the resources she or he needs to be successful, therefore the logical conclusion is “I am not good enough”.

Maybe it’s time we learned to celebrate failure. Failure at reaching impossible goals as an expression of who we really are. Maybe we have been put on the planet with each other because we aren’t perfect by ourselves, invincible or able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. If we were able to do anything, we would have already done it.

It’s time to give ourselves a break. Isn’t it okay to not be rich, famous, thin or irresistibly sexy? Chronic self-dissatisfaction is no way to lead a life. We need to be happier with what is, instead of being stressed about what we should be.

Hey, that gives me an idea! I KNOW exactly what to do. Eureka. I have found El Dorado, Mecca, Jerusalem and Nirvana. Here is the miracle cure to cure all the miracle cures! And this one won’t just sit on your shelf unread or in the box unopened.

And for just 3 easy payments of $19.97, you too can learn to be happy being the way you are. Millions of people just like yourself have turned their lives around with this simple formula.

Imagine the possibilities!

Hasta la vista,

Shelle

www.WordsThatChangeMinds.com

*From Self Esteem in All Sizes by Erica Heilman, see http://dermnetnz.healthology.com