Relationship Counseling

Relationship counseling can and generally is a time consuming process. It’s important to realize as a counselor that the important thing that he or she brings to the table is objectivity and it’s a must to avoid pushing the counselors own beliefs and prejudices on the couple who wish to be counseled. In many respects many typical relationship breakdowns can be due in part or wholly to a lack of communication and helping couples learn to communicate will play a large role in working through their relationship issues. I will look to discuss some of the main issues that are typically presented in a relationship counseling environment and hope to outline how best to deal with them as a counselor.

One central issue that arises commonly in a relationship counseling environment is unrealistic expectations and beliefs. Both partners can have unrealistic expectations and beliefs of the other and when perceived or required needs go unfulfilled relating to these expectations, it leads to compound emotions such as anger and resentment. Some common unrealistic expectations and beliefs that partners have can include such things as:

“I can change my partner to be more like me”
“We love spending all the time we can with each other”
”I have the same needs and desires as my partner”
“My partner knows I expect this from him or her”

Sometimes these expectations and beliefs can be hidden from even those who hold them which can make it difficult for a counselor to reconcile for these issues to be reconciled. However it’s important for the expectations to be managed within the context of the relationship through the means of exposing them to the light of day both to the partner him or herself and to the other half of the relationship.

One way this can be achieved is through having the partners reveal their general expectations of the relationship and of their partner. In this way, expectations and belief patterns which are unrealistic will be hopefully brought to the surface. The counselor can do this by having the partners write down all the expectations and perceived beliefs he or she holds for the other partner and the relationship. Writing even a small list will lead to a greater discussion and highlight further insight of more hidden entrenched beliefs and expectations. This alone can sometimes bring about mutual understanding to both and thus help work towards a mutual acceptance of each other’s wants and needs within the context of the relationship. Having partners fill out questionnaires designed to bring to the surface these issues will help. For example the following questions can highlight unrealistic expectations and belief patterns when it comes to certain and central aspects of the relationship.

“Is loving each other the most important thing to make the relationship last?”
“Do you think you will always deeply love and satisfy each other?”
“Do you think differences will be easier to sort out when you’re married / living together?”
“How will these issues be sorted?
“Will you always have a perfect relationship with him or her?”
“How do you mean by always?”

Opening these closed questions up when the yes/no response leads to the need to highlight an unrealistic expectation or belief pattern, this can done through open ended questions such as “How do you mean?” “What will have to happen for that to occur?” “How will you know you have what you want?” flowing on from the original statements above.

Communication is the key to reconciling the unrealistic expectations largely within the partners themselves and of each other. Also having the understanding and insight of realistic expectations and healthy beliefs will help strengthen the relationship and create a more harmonious and supportive union. Some of the realistic expectations and beliefs can include such notions as:

- Understanding people will change. As people get older as does the relationship people will want different things and sometimes that includes a different relationship. Having present mindedness paradoxically will help the relationship strengthen and probably mean it will last longer and be healthier.

- Having the understanding that in the future there will be moments where the couple will doubt the relationship (troubled waters) and this doesn’t mean automatically that the relationship is doomed.

- Having out of aligned beliefs is normal and having this understanding will ease the manner in which problems are dealt with down the track (those that arise from having different views, values). Again communication is the key.

- Having the understanding the couple will not always agree and have at times differing loyalties. – This is especially the case when it comes to relationships to the greater families within the confines of the relationship itself.

Having the couple in a relationship counseling environment think about these issues and gain insight from them will promote an environment more conducive to a harmonious relationship. It should be noted that it’s a fine line by pushing these beliefs onto clients verse as a counselor asking questions that has them gain the insight themselves to understand unrealistic and realistic expectations/beliefs and the benefits of communicating fully with their partner and themselves. Bringing to the surface the desired wants and needs and having the partner listen and take on board these wants and needs of the other partner.

There are four main issues why couples argue that will come into play in a therapeutic counseling environment more often than not. Sex is a popular issue to cause angst and again, unrealistic expectation and expected values in the bedroom play a role in this disharmony. One partner may think having sex once a week is enough whilst the other may expect it everyday. Reconciling these differences in any environment is difficult as it requires a compromise or acceptance from one or both parties. Working through these issues with the couple and getting a key outline as to what each expects of each other. With some clients having an open discussion will be enough to bring awareness to the issue and alleviate angst and bring about a compromise or acceptance. Other times the issue of sex and a lack of compromise lead to the relationships demise – this shouldn’t seen as a bad thing and a counselor shouldn’t think that any eventuality that isn’t a positive one (with respect to the relationship) is a bad thing. Long term if a counselor helps a couple make a decision to end a relationship due to irreconcilable differences; in this context the counselor should be seen as a positive role and helper to facilitate the required change to bring harmony in this form as the outcome.

Similarly money can be an issue that can cause much angst in a relationship. This can be due in part to the fact that gender roles are now constantly changing and having couples with huge disparities’ in thought commonalties and values are now not uncommon, probably more common than not. In this context couples can have different views and expectations with respect to who manages the money, who earns it and who should earn it plus many more questions pertaining to the issue of money. Having clients work though these issues and defining roles will help get the framework required to setup the mutual understanding to help the clients move forward with this issue. Further more having clients write out list of life priorities with respect to the use of money will help expose differing views on what money should be spent on and what matters most to each. By exposing these differing money values, a mutual understanding can be reached – the first step to compromise or acceptance. Bringing these unaligned values to the surface is the challenge of the therapist but not difficult when certain questions are asked in the right manner. Once the unaligned values come out and communicated, compromise acceptance in either form can be reached.

Like with sex and money, most couples other main points of contention are due in part to differing expectations and values concerning children and responsibilities. Defining these expectations and values and communicating them in an un-hostile environment are the first steps to bring about mutual understanding that leads the couple to move forward. As said previously if a counselor is able to bring objectivity to the table and be an unbiased umpire asking the right questions in the right way to expose hidden and overt beliefs to bring end, compromise or acceptance of personal objectives and goals within the context of the relationship then the counselor has served his or her purpose. If the therapist is unable to have the couple move past the uncommunicative emotional framework that has brought them to the counselor in the first place, he or she has failed to ask the right questions to help them move forward, and bring about end, compromise or acceptance of the issues of the union and of the union itself.