Phases To Breakup

"Families break up when they get hints you don't intend and miss hints that you do."(Robert Frost)

Nowadays we witness many cases where couples breakup or divorce and it often comes as a surprise to us, because until that moment we had no clue about it. Still, there are always warning signs that the level of emotional intensity has risen dangerously and that a storm is imminent.

Men and women differ as far as affairs/relationships are concerned. For a female, feeling cherished and desired is vital. For a male, respect and sex are the most important factors. There are four phases that a relationship normally goes through until breakup. These phases can take years, months or even a few minutes.

Resistance

You resist every time you are annoyed by something your partner (spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend) says, does or feels and you become a little judgmental and standoffish. E.g. when your wife is talking to her best friend and is telling jokes about your cooking. Although most people try to ignore the signs of resistance and pretend that everything is O.K., this is a wrong approach. Should you ignore the feeling of resistance and don't clear up with your partner, all those bad moments will accumulate and will drive you to the second phase.

Aversion

In this phase, you are not simply annoyed by the words or actions of your partner, but you cannot tolerate them at all. While resistance creates discomfort, aversion creates anger. You become judgmental and aggressive. You feel isolated from your partner and you usually withdraw behind your emotional walls. E.g. you've heard again and again your wife accusing you of not helping with the kids. You hate her criticism and you feel that she does not appreciate how hard you work all day long to provide for your family and that she has unreasonable demands. If you don't discuss it with your partner and do not try to resolve the situation, you will pass to the next phase.

Rejection

Rejection means separation (physical, emotional, or both) and it can be either active or passive.

Active rejection is indicated by talking badly to your partner, threatening to leave, complaining to others about your partner, refusing to respond to his or her efforts to approach you sexually or spending as much time as you can away from him/her.

Passive rejection is indicated by not responding sexually when you make love with your partner, having a sexual relationship with another person, losing your sexual desire for no apparent reason, becoming a workaholic and not having time for your partner and secretly craving your freedom - you want to leave your relationship and be alone.

In this phase, your relationship can be either extremely rough or too boring, depending on whether it is active or passive. If you don't try to solve the problems at this phase, you will enter the next and final phase.

Apathy

Here you suppress all your negative emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, in order to feel comfortable. You often say to yourself: "It's not worth to fight each other - we must learn to get along for the sake of the children. I'm too tired. Everyone has such problems. Let's forget it." If that's the case, then your emotional dullness usually overflows and floods all other areas of your life. You lose your passion and vitality. You often feel bored, exhausted and drained of energy. You have suppressed not only your pain, but also joy and fun in your life.

To live in a state of apathy is harmful even for your physical health. When you suppress your deepest hopes, dreams and desires, your body creates enormous tension, resulting into a negative impact on your physical well-being. One of the biggest problems nowadays is that many people wander in a state of emotional apathy. Some of them resort to alcohol, drugs, tranquilizers, become workaholics or use other unhealthy methods, so as to stay in their emotional deadening.

You may ask: "What can I do to avoid breakup?" With the exception of some cases where the husband is addicted to drugs, gambling or alcohol or is physically abusive, in which breakup is preferable, there seems to be a solution to the problem. Whenever some emotional tension between you and your partner appears, tell him/her the entire truth about how you feel. It is easier to dissolve a little conflict in the beginning, than let the situation go out of your hands later. Do not think that what you feel is trivial. Many couples divorce because he didn't help with the baby, he was emotionally unavailable or because they grew apart. Establishing intimacy with your partner is something that you should consider and the way to achieve this is by changing your attitude which in many cases makes your partner respond to you. Things like accepting your partner's efforts to make you happy, even if they are not what you had in mind, or acknowledging his/her help or having realistic expectations could help you towards your goal.