Negative Self Talk - How to Turn it Around and Coach Yourself to Success

Why is it that we speak more kindly to our friends, neighbors and family than we do to ourselves? What would happen if you routinely called your best friend names like stupid, fat or boring? That person probably wouldn't be your friend for very long.

Yet, we talk negatively to ourselves all day, most of the time without even being aware that we are doing it. Sometimes we disguise negative self talk as humor, "I was having a dumb blonde moment!" The majority of the time, the thing we tell ourselves isn't even true. It's a distortion of reality, a false perception rather than fact, a harsh judgment. Negative self talk leads to stress and lower self esteem. So, why do we do it?

Fear of Failure
Sometimes we engage in negative self-talk because we are fearful or uncomfortable. We are afraid of a new challenge or anxious about facing a difficult situation. So, we tell ourselves that we can't do it because we aren't good enough. We would rather think of ourselves as inferior than risk embarrassment or failure. We let ourselves "off the hook" with negative self-talk and our anxiety is reduced.

Negative Self-Talk Impedes Your Success
Success is a direct result of your thoughts and expectations. Our thoughts are one of the few things in our lives that we control, and our thoughts influence our actions and reactions. Our negative self-talk can keep us from taking action and cause us to give up on our dreams and aspirations. By engaging in negative self-talk, we allow ourselves to behave as victims. It's easier and more comfortable than risking failure or facing our anxiety. But you are not a victim - you choose and create the outcome of your life through your actions. By learning to stop negative self-talk, you can free yourself to go after the things that you really want in life.

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk
Focusing your thoughts on what you want, rather than what you don't want, is a great tool for turning around negative self-talk. As soon as you become aware of a negative thought, cut it off by thinking or saying "Stop." Once you've gotten your attention, ask yourself this question: "What do I really want?" What is it that you are afraid of asking yourself for? Realize that your negative self-talk is just an excuse for not having what you want. Realize that you have to take responsibility for your life and the actions that will lead to your desired outcome.

Face Your Fear
Fear is a part of life. A lot of the best things in life require taking some risks. Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we fail, but we always learn from these events. Think of how many failed experiments have lead to great discoveries and new inventions! Often, we imagine the consequence of risk to be far worse than it really is. Remember that you judge yourself far more harshly than others will. Try to keep this in mind when you weigh the risk of embarrassment.

Coach Yourself to Success
Once you have identified the underlying anxiety or unfulfilled desire that is the cause of your negative self-talk, you can start to re-frame your thoughts in the positive. Think of the upside - identify the opportunity. Encourage and believe in yourself. Be kind. Try to find something good in every situation and restate your thoughts in the positive. Instead of "I didn't get the promotion because I'm not smart enough," try "Since I didn't get the promotion this time, I don't have to work those longer hours and can use that time to take a class or learn a new skill that will help me get an even better job." Replace "I can't do this!" or "This is too hard for me!" with "What is the first step in accomplishing this task?" or "How can I handle this better?" You may not have all of the answers yet, but at least you're asking questions and opening yourself up to the possibility of success.

Affirmations
Affirmations can be a powerful tool in maintaining a positive mindset. However, be careful when using affirmations. Make sure that they are possible for you. Using an affirmation that your subconscious can't believe will lead to frustration and more self doubt. For instance, no matter how many times I affirm that "I am the Queen of England," it's simply not true and there is no way I can make myself believe that it is true. Use the following affirmations to change negative self-talk into positive beliefs about yourself:

• I deserve to treat myself with kindness and respect
• I am proud of all of my accomplishments
• I give myself permission to face my fears
• I recognize my many strengths

Acknowledge your fears, but don't let them stop you from moving forward. You deserve to feel good about yourself and you deserve success!