My Husband Is Verbally Abusive and Blames Me: How To Deal With A Verbally Abusive Husband

Yes it's true, we can't get through the day without conflict. Phone calls are missed, e-mails aren't returned in a timely fashion, we are late for a deadline or a meeting at work. Accept this conflict as part of life and put your focus on what really matters most in your life, your personal relationship with your spouse or a significant other.

I'm talking about the times where tempers flare, compromise isn't taking place and at least for these moments you might not even like the person standing in front of you. You still know you love this person, you've been through so much together, you share common interests and have memories that still bring a smile to your face.

It is during the difficult times that we need to view conflict as a way to improve trust, understanding and acceptance of our partners. Unfortunately during these troubled times is when we often do the most damage to our relationships. How often is trust betrayed by a statement along the lines of "You're acting just like your mother!". We know just the right things to say to gain the upper hand in an argument and bring our partner to their knees. Now where are we? We've just ripped an old wound wide open; it's the end of the conversation or argument because we have gone so low in our strategy as to tread on sacred ground, revisiting old wounds. Nothing we say after that will even be heard or considered. Ouch!

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If this describes a pattern you recognize, begin now to make a change for the positive. Take a stand to end the negative conflict in your relationship or marriage and change the rules. If you are able to set this tone during a non-argumentative time it is best. Agree with your partner on the "rules of engagement". Ban the use of bringing up old issues to validate your current concerns, absolutely abolish labels or name calling, and agree that it's acceptable to call a time out if things are becoming heated in a discussion.

When one of you calls for a time out, respect it. Before taking time to clear your mind and allow for things to settle, be sure to agree on a time when you will get back together to continue your discussion. Without discussing a set time to come back together, someone will have expectations. Expectations are never met because they are just expected, they are not communicated. Once you come together again, do your best to set the standard without coming across as self righteous. Repeat what they say in a manner of "I want to be certain I'm hearing what you are saying", encourage your partner to do the same. This demonstrates a willingness to not only hear your partners needs but shows a willingness to understand and find a compromise in your relationship.

With a little practice you will find a new openness developing between the two of you and the negative aspects of a potential confrontation will slowly diminish. Life is a beautiful journey, be sure to share the glory with your partner or spouse. They will love you even more for your efforts.

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Instead of crying over spilled milk, perhaps it is better to take care of it, while the volatile liquid is on the boil. Similarly, you have higher chances to save your marriage before you allow it to collapse beyond redemption.

You can only save the relationship provided you are sensitive and alert enough to catch the early signs and symptoms of rot that usually sets in a neglected relationship. The first amongst many signs of a collapsing marriage is a sharp drop in meaningful communication.

Neither of you have anything really important to share with each other anymore. And even when you have something to say, usually the other person is either too busy with other issues or even physically absent to hear you out.

The second very visible sign of a failing marriage is when you no longer live as friends but more as competitors trying to outdo each other either in verbal or intellectual battles. Look at the amount of quality time that you spend with each other and the rest of the story falls in place.

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Be that as it may, if you are still keen to live together amicably and share the same roof and bed with love and respect for each other, there are several actions that you can initiate to make a fresh start.

First of all, own up your mistakes and wrong judgments of the past. Secondly, open up fresh channels of communication which is not tarnished with satire, mockery or ridicule. Learn to respect your partners' decisions and give due importance to whatever priorities he or she may have.

The key to save your marriage is to prevent it from rotting any further from its present state. The earlier you catch the signs of boredom and decay in the relationship the higher are your chances of retrieval. However, never put your sense of self-esteem at stake for merely saving a relationship. This can only patch things up temporarily - but the cracks eventually show up as gaping holes.

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When people find that their marriage is falling apart, they start turning to others with an SOS cry to help save their marriage. SOS cries are given by people in a ship when they find that their ship is sinking and they are unable to do anything about it, except for watching helplessly. But they do not realize that they can do a lot to seal the leak and save the ship of marriage from sinking.

- Sacrifice a bit: People often expect their partners to do all the adjustments and the sacrifices, while they will just sit and watch, without even appreciating the other's contribution. It does not require a lot of sacrifice from you to help save marriage. A few graceful acts to show your love to your partner can do miracles. Call them sacrifices if you want, but in reality they are only small adjustments, which you can do without much trouble.

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- Think from a different perspective: It is a well known fact that things may take different shapes, when looked at from different angles. Probably, you have been viewing things from your perspective for too long. For a change, step into your partner's shoes. Look at things from their perspective. You are in for a surprise.

- Pour your heart out: A lot of misunderstandings are created by feelings trapped in our minds. Sharing your feelings with the other can be of great help. In most of the cases, an open communication will heal the wounds of discard and help save marriage. If it does not, you will at least feel relieved of a heavy burden in your heart and will be ready for a break up, if that is going to be inevitable.

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I thought there were only a few other woman who thought like I did, but then I accidentally surfed to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's website. It is pleasing to know, and so encouraging that I found another woman, and a successful one to boot, who believes that a man should be the watchdog of the household.

I sincerely believe myself to be a freer, happier and more content-filled woman than those who strive so hard to be something they really aren't. Face it, women weren't meant to control the world of men, just like men were not meant to wear a bra and pantyhose.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing at all wrong with a successful career minded woman, but if it takes away from the obvious responsibilities that a woman was meant to partake in, then it is absolutely not acceptable.

The truth of the matter is these particular women only want to be validated for who they are. But who are they? I don't even think THEY know who they are! They must define them self through a means that makes them FEEL better. Their resentment towards men makes them feel better when they are behaving like men in high heels.

All of this unnecessary hoopla stems from the emotional imbalance of the spiritual self. Unfortunately, while these women strive to be the TOTAL woman, their particular issues and causes go against the desire of the Creator, and their spirit stays out of whack and out of tune with the normal responsibilities inherited within them from when they were created.

For some reason when they achieve the things that go against their very nature of womanhood is when they feel validation? In retrospect all of this originates from HOW THEY FEEL AS WOMEN.

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These women validate each other through wrong thinking. They don't understand that their own negative feelings towards being a woman actually control the real woman they can become. They are wasting their potential as women, and because of that, loving, caring husbands, and children are suffering because of it!

The real issue here is when a woman tries to define her being (soul) through the act of abortion or the act of leadership and power, she is actually in rebellion to God when her spirit should be tending to the necessities of family, home, and life.

In all reality, it is not in a woman's true nature to lord over men. I don't understand why some of these women can't see where the milk comes from. Women are leaders in their own right! They are selected in doing what they do best, nurturing babies, bringing up loving and respectful children, and supporting their husbands.

There is no family without the woman. The woman is the main link of the family. She is the linkage that keeps it all together, and flowing smoothly. She is the nurturer and lover. She is the one who brings peace and comfort into the home.

It is not degrading to be a woman; it is degrading trying to be a man in high heels!

So this brings me to the married woman? Where does she fit in to all of this? Well, a married woman certainly can't do a very good job taking care of her home and family if she is out trying to conquer the world of men. Right?

As we all know, the bible says the wife should submit to her husband's spiritual counsel and the husband should love the wife? What does it mean?

The husband should love is wife so he can offer his spiritual authority properly. If a man doesn't love his wife, then he probably can't give acceptable spiritual counsel, wouldn't you agree?

If the husband loves his wife, then he is going to make sure that nothing harms her. He will protect her as much as he possibly can. He might not want her to drive at night by herself in the car. He might not want her to wear a skimpy bikini to the beach when he is not with her. He might not want her to spend time with friends who really aren't friends, but are bad influences. He might not want her to work outside of the home, because he feels that it is his job to bring home the bacon.

Do you think that submitting to your husband makes you inferior to him, and not in control of your womanhood? Well it is not true. When a woman allows her Christ-honoring husband to lead the household she is putting her faith in God, and respecting the role of her husband as well. That is real validation!

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When a husband orders that his wife submit to him, then it's not true submission. Taking advantage of scripture and using it out of context as a mere tool for intimidating and hurting your wife is wrong and leads to resentment. There is no application in this instance.

But this is precisely why God says that a husband should love his wife like Christ does the church! A Christ-honoring man IS a man who loves his wife, and he will not take advantage of his leadership role. Likewise, a Christ-honoring wife will not try to undermine her husband's leadership role. It's really that simple.

Men, love your wives, and ladies submit to your man!

Come on ladies, giving in to the authority of your husband doesn't mean you have lost your rights as a woman or individuality. It doesn't mean that you are not independent minded enough to think on your own and have your own opinions either. It means you love and respect your husband for being a man!

Submission is being respectful. Just as the wife submits to her husband so should the husband to the Lord.

Let's look at it another way and pretend that this scripture was never written.

There is only one captain to every ship and with that ship there is only one first mate. The captain needs his first mate, she is the one who reads the navigational charts and brings out the sails and brings in the lines. She is there for him when storms come and waves are washing up onto the deck. She cooks for him to bring him energy during the storm because while she is sleeping, he is still steering the ship through the storm to safety.

The husband is the helmsman and the wife is the first mate. What a wonderful relationship. The first mate is a supportive, caring, and helpful beyond belief. Without the first mate to lend a hand in times of need and decision-making, the ship would sink.

The first mate needs the captain for without a captain to steer the ship, there would be no destination-no purpose to why you were together in the first place.

If both the captain and the first mate try and take the helm and lead the ship to separate shores, the ship ends up adrift because both are steering in separate directions.

So ladies, when we rebel against our husband's divine authority, we are actually rebelling against the will of God.

The bottom line, someone has to be the head of the family, and in nature, history and scripture this has always been the male. God gives him this position not of demanding ruler-ship, but of responsibility and honor.

So men, love your wives with the WISDOM God gave you and she will submit out of her enduring love for you!

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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