My Husband Is Unemployed and Depressed: How To Motivate My Husband To Get A Job - How To Save The Marriage When You Are Having Financial Problems

First a little quiz. What is the number one cause for divorce according to the research?

Most people would say it's affairs, problems with communication, or problems in the bedroom. And they would be wrong.

The number one cause for divorce is financial problems. These can be greatly exacerbated when things happen like one loses a job, there are sudden unexpected expenditures, or the value of one's possessions suddenly shrink as we saw recently with the crash in home prices.

Is It Just a Matter of Getting More Money?

Many people think, "If we'd just win the lottery or get a big bonus at work, things would be so much better." However, the research shows that major windfalls in money tend to cause more problems, not less, in relationships.

Financial Issues are Complicated and Explosive

Nowhere else in a relationship do so many differences between people arise. And nowhere else can those differences be so deep-seated and resistant to change.

One person is a saver and very thrifty and considers the other very unreliable and dangerous because he wants to spend money on fun and is not very careful with the budget. The other person may think that money is there to provide enjoyment and joy in life and considers the other to be stingy and over-worried.

These are deep-seated differences and can be very stubborn and lead to terrible disagreements.

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Four Steps to Save the Marriage When There are Financial Problems

So given how deep these differences can be, how can you possibly expect to save the marriage?

Money itself is not the problem when you're having financial conflicts. It's about individual character, the way the relationship operates, and your willingness to move toward one another in a new way.

Step One in Saving the Marriage When There Are Financial Problems: Liking

The Four Steps are summed up in this acronym spelling the word "love," - L.O.V.E. L stands for "liking." O stands for "openness." V stands for "Value." E stands for "Encouragement."

Let's start with the first one, "liking." When you find yourself disagreeing in daily life about money, it can become a real marriage killer.

So Step One is to write down 10 things you can like about your partner's attitude and actions regarding money. You may have to gulp and take a deep breath before you do this, I know, but write them down.

This gives you something about your partner to like in relationship to money. You can't stay happily married to someone you don't like.

Step Two in Saving the Marriage When There Are Financial Problems: Openness

The next step is "openness." We all like to think we have open minds, but because you have settled into your views of what should be done with money, you think the matter's settled. It's time to be more open.

Write down 10 ways in which you are willing to change how you think and act about money that's more compatible with the way your partner likes to think and act about money.

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Step Three in Saving the Marriage When There Are Financial Problems: Value

The next step is "value," - giving your partner more value. We all thrive in relationships where we get some value, something that shows us that the other person really cares.

What 2 things can you give to your partner that he or she would consider to be of real value? If she's a saver, you could give her some of your play money to put away. If he's a spender, you could give him some of your saved money to spend however he feels like spending it.

Be creative and give real value... not what you would want but what your partner would want.

Step Four in Saving the Marriage When There Are Financial Problems: Encouragement

Finally, because your partner is not likely to make a totally radical and fundamental change toward you point of view about money, find ways you can encourage him or her in the way he or she likes to handle money.

Do this by showing respect and willingness to accept and love your partner for who he or she is, not for what you would like him or her to be.

Write down something each day for the next 7 days you can say that's encouraging about finances and money to your partner that they would appreciate. Write it down and then say it!

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Real intimacy can seem like an elusive marital goal. There is so activity in a typical life that couples are simply too tired at the end of the day to stoke the fires.

However, allowing intimacy in a marriage to wane is to start down a dangerous path toward isolation, if not worse. Couples who aren't able to routinely connect typically don't wind up staying together over the long haul.

Touchy, Feely

True intimacy includes much more than mere sex when the hormones come to life, and should be present both inside and outside the bedroom. Thus, intimacy and sex are stuck in something of a paradoxical relationship - though intimacy includes much more than sexual intercourse, it nevertheless definitely includes sex (oh yes!).

Hugs, stolen kisses and cuddles throughout the day can help build the connection needed for an intimate marriage. Taking time to talk each day and joke with one another is also important for each partner. Depending on personalities, simply being playful with each other is often enough to plant the intimacy seeds. Time slices together say clearly, "I'm interested in you."

Little Surprises

When couples take time to surprise one another, they are showing their mate care that goes to the heart. Gifts like flowers or a card are effective, but sometimes your beloved needs even more.

I'm talking about simple stuff. For example, heat up a towel in the dryer for a couple minutes and give it to your spouse as he/she steps out of the shower on a cold winter morning. Bring your mate breakfast in bed. Vacuum the house, or run an errand so your spouse has one less chore to do.

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Be creative. Try to customize your surprise to what you know your spouse enjoys or appreciates. The sincerity of your actions will be appreciated.

Dangers Lurking Over Intimacy

Intimacy is a bit delicate and can be damaged easily. If couples, for example, have a conflict between them, that is like dousing those intimate emotions with water, putting out the flame. Couples who allow hurt feelings or troubles fester will undo progress they have made.

For this reason and more, you simply need to deal with conflict together - maturely. Many fear, unfortunately, this will make matters worse. As long as two people work together on a problem, this actually strengthens the marriage, though it will likely be emotionally tough to do.

There are two phrases that need to be part of any marriage lexicon to keep intimacy fresh. First, be sure to tell your beloved each day that you love him/her and are committed for life. Secondly, don't neglect to apologize when you are in the wrong. Insisting you are right in a heated situation is not a war that needs to be won.

Love and romance need help to thrive. Both can wither if left "ungardened." Couples who make the effort to build intimacy in their relationship will enjoy the pleasures of a happy, fulfilling, sensual marriage.

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PROMISES that are best, those that are also hardest to keep, are the proving ground of learning. Where daily determination meets with God's grace, humility is nurtured, and wisdom is attained.

Besides when it is unsafe[1] to remain in a marriage, for yourself and/or others, it is always a good thing to keep working on marriage - where there is a collective will and a positive vision for a satisfying marriage in both partners. Both partners will not always feel like trying nor will they always feel positive about the future, but it's what they feel when they believe the best is possible that counts.

Here are five promises we can make in recommitting to our marriages:

1. Promise to have the faith to stick at a process for however long it takes. Our long-term happiness is not connected with our short-term happiness. These two are very different things.

2. Promise not to run away, especially as that means obeying the voice of the Lord as you find yourself, mentally or emotionally, sprinting off. Take some minutes of solace, but do not leave.

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3. Promise to enter gently and graciously, i.e. with courage, into the cauldron, to love when love seems hard, even impossible, to do. Love starts from us as individuals choosing to love through kindness, patience, and compassion, etc.

4. Promise to remind yourself that your partner lacks many degrees of perfection, as do you. Remind yourself that the things that bug you about him or her are possibility simple reflections of unconscious things about you that bug you. And remind yourself there are things about you that bug them - they're staying with you as much as you're staying with them.

5. Promise yourself the reflection of this truth: a happy life is not simply about feeling happy; it's more a life that is steeped in meaning. That's because life is long. Purpose is established over years and decades. Where we give up on our marriages, we agree to overhaul the substance of our identity.

[1] For me, safety connects to imminent risk of harm to trauma that may lead to injury, post-traumatic stress, etc. In all relationships, however, there is the function of conflict which produces hurt, which in turn provides opportunities for the relationship to grow in trust, as individuals grow, and as they choose to overlook offenses and forgive. The process can take years. Hurts are not unsafe in and of themselves, and it is amazing what we as individuals can endure. Overcoming feeling hurt is actually a key life skill in developing resilience. When it comes to being unsafe, though, we are advised to trust close friends, parents and siblings. If the majority are saying the same thing deem it as trustworthy and wise. Accept and trust the help you're given.

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You know that the passage of time affects everything including marriages and relationships but you do not want to be a victim of time. You want to keep your marriage fresh and exciting by keeping your husband attracted to you. So how do you keep your husband attracted to you?

1. Be happy with who you are in this phase of your life. You need to remain happy and fulfilled with yourself and your life right now. Of course you will have bad days or days when things don't go well but you must learn to not just cope with life but to soar.

a. The different phases of life. Each phase of life will have its joys and challenges and you need to go through each phase well so educate yourself about the various stages of life that you are going through so that you know what is coming and how to cope with it. Ignorance is not your friend in keeping your husband attracted to you.

b. Accept and adjust to the different ages. Dressing and behaving like you were twenty when you are forty does not make you feel and look attractive. So grow as a person in the things that you enjoy and are interested in and dress appropriately for each phase of your life. Get your own individual style but be open to updating it and keeping it current. You want to look good throughout the years and to be happy with your age and your achievements in life.

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c. Be healthy! You cannot feel and be attractive when you are unwell or unable to do various things because you are out of shape. So eat healthily and find an exercise program that you enjoy and can commit to. And don't be afraid to change the exercise program when it no longer works or captivates you. The aim is to feel good in your body and when you feel good you will radiate that 'feel-good' vibe that will keep your husband attracted to you.

2. Be your husband's partner in life. Being married means that you have someone to share your life with and you need to do the sharing of your lives as much as possible. This does not mean that you are shadows of each other but it does mean that you support and encourage each other in your careers and interests so that each of you grows and enjoys their life. The ideal marriage situation is where you and your husband each use all the gifts and talents that each of you has without these differences tearing you apart. How can your marriage be a place of mutual encouragement? Find out and let this be the reality of your marriage. A place of mutual encouragement tends to be a place of mutual growing attraction.

3. Don't pretend! Be upfront with your husband and don't bottle up things or pretend all is well when he has deliberately or unintentionally hurt you. To keep your husband attracted to you he must know that you respect yourself and hold yourself in high regard. For some reason a husband's attraction fades as he sees you disrespecting yourself or not thinking highly of yourself. Have reasonable relationship boundaries and guard them well.

You must find joy and fulfillment for yourself in order to keep your husband attracted to you. You must exude joy, contentment and some mystery to keep your husband attracted to you.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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