My Husband Beat Me For The First Time: My Husband Beats Me With His Belt

My Husband Beat Me For The First Time: My Husband Beats Me With His Belt

How well are you communicating in order to save the marriage? If you do not communicate effectively about a problem, communication becomes the problem.

A course on communication would be really helpful to the newly married, as how a couple communicates is so central to the success of that marriage. But instead most people mimic the communication models witnessed as children. This can be good. But the odds of two people marrying who both had good role models is a bit like the odds of winning the lottery - not good.

By simply watching how couples communicate, Dr John Gottman, the nation's foremost marriage researcher, can predict with incredible accuracy which couples will divorce and whether it will be sooner or later. His conclusions are fascinating and somewhat surprising.

Intuition would tell you that constant arguing would surely lead to divorce, but couples who do not argue would "live happily ever after." The reverse is true.

This was tough for me to swallow as I never argued with my spouse and it was always pleasant in our household. The perfect home life had a downside, which caught me by surprise and opened my eyes.

We made assumptions that would explain each other's behavior, but we never checked those assumptions.

- Why? Because he didn't tell me what he thought.

- Why? Because we might get into a major argument.

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A strategy of not fighting can be deadly to a marriage, as this story will show. In my mother's last year of life, I was her caretaker. After my mother died, I expressed often my thoughts of regret that I had not spent enough time with her. It turns out I was suffering from Caretaker's Guilt, a common reaction of a caretaker when the responsibility is over.

My partner became very ill only a few months later. Hearing only my laments about my care for my mom, he concluded that I would not take great care of him. He started looking for that special someone who could feel his pain and understand his fear.

He took another path as he did not trust that I could take care of him. He was worried and depressed. Can you believe I had no idea what he was thinking. This caused me to almost lose him. If we were comfortable discussing our concerns and perceptions, I would have been aware of his concerns. i could have addressed them and explained caregivers' guilt.

Eventually we did talk about this, but only after trust had been broken and he started leaning towards someone else. Fortunately that pain led to many lessons learned which I will share with you.

The fact that we almost lost one another was a catalyst to opening up and sharing our differences. We don't want to fight, we want to resolve differences, which requires listening and understanding one another's point of view. Treating one another with respect, as we ourselves would like to be treated, was a way to break through our resistance.

Tackling the tough disagreements is necessary, but how you fight through it will determine the outcome of your marriage. The research of Dr. Gottman is very clear that people who fight in the following ways are will have short-lived marriages.

1. Contempt: This is talking to your spouse as if he/she were inferior to you - the top predictor of divorce. For instance, "You're a moron."

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2. Critical: criticizing or judging your partner or his thoughts. For instance, "You only do what you want to do - you are so inconsiderate."

3. Defensive: providing an explanation so as to justify an action and thus avoid the criticism. "I did not say that. You just didn't hear me right."

4. Stonewall: withdrawing emotionally from the conversation. For example, not responding when your spouse is speaking to you.

If you listen to each other without judgment and really try to understand, you open the door to Effective Communication. This is not always easy for people who do not share their deepest thoughts and feelings. Do not be fooled that silence equals happiness. You may need to pull in a Marriage Counselor if you are living with someone who does not bring up any difficulties with your marriage or life. More than once I have heard a divorced friend exclaim, "They just left. I didn't know our marriage was in trouble."

You would see a doctor if you broke your ankle, wouldn't you? In the same way, it is just as important to see a marriage counselor if you cannot talk to one another about tough topics or feelings. A marriage counselor will help you express your feelings and raise issues in non-threatening ways - avoiding blame games and guilt trips. Solutions are easier to work out if guilt and hurt are not being loaded into the conversation. There is much credible research on marriage and communication that a good marriage counselor has read and utilized. They can teach you how to interact and devise exercises that will allow you to practice improved ways of communicating.

Good marriages are not magic or intuitive. They require work every day and sometimes need the intervention of a professional. A general contractor is a lot like a marriage counselor. Sure you could build a house yourself, but wouldn't it be better if you used a professional contractor? Sure it will cost a bit more, but what you end up with will be worth living in. The success of your marriage is probably much more important than a one time investment in a counselor. When you get help to save marriage, you reduce the risk of making things worse. You can be more successful in less time with a more gentle process to get there.

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This is a topic romanticized so much in literature and movies, that every little girl is almost forced to have rosy ideas about that day when she will tie the knot. Starting from the dress, the ornaments, the decoration and of course the whole arrangement has to be grand. The focus on the event becomes so acute that the love which has brought the two souls together into holy matrimony is left behind. The question I wanted to ask in this article is not one that would be particularly favoured by the multi-million dollar wedding industry. What do women want? A grand spectacular wedding or a meaningful marriage. If one can afford the huge expenditure and also acquire truthful vows, then it's the best combination. But what happens in most cases is an extreme burden taken by people especially the parents to put up a nice show in order to please a society which either does not care or mostly envy the splendour. So why is it necessary to spend all the money just to feed the insatiable appetites of gossip mongers and critics whom you cannot please no matter what you do. The pomp and show most often than not point towards the hollowness inside.

A relative of mine had once told me that after her marriage, her parents were so much in debt that after retirement, they were left with almost no savings. She confessed that she felt very sad about how she had wanted the grand celebrations. While pouring her heart out, she added with a wry smile that not one person who had been a part of the wedding had come to help her father when he was admitted in a hospital after having a massive heart attack.

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Yesterday, while reading "little women" by Louisa May Alcott, I came across the part where "Meg" the eldest of the March sisters is getting married to Mr. Brooks. There the author has beautifully described the flower ornaments and the elegant but simple dress that Meg was wearing. The most impressive part is how the family had contributed personally to put together the modest arrangement and made it look splendid with their refined taste and bountiful love. Above all the lovely couple and a merry and caring family made the occasion so extra-ordinary that even their wealthy relative "Sally Moffat", remarked about the beauty of the event somehow feeling very satisfied.

This satisfaction is something which can be only accomplished by true feelings and doing things without stretching your limits. No matter how much the jewellery advertisements try to fill our minds that without gold and diamonds no wedding ceremony is complete, the greatest happiness lies in the ornaments of love and care from those who are our near and dear ones. Even for those who can afford the display of wealth, it is better to spend money in things which are more important. Sometimes too much wealth creates a vacuum in the soul.

The whole article can be summarized into a few sentences. When you are dying of thirst, only water can quench the pain in your throat, not honey or milk. So, marriage is only thirsty for love and affection of the beloved can only make the ceremony a memorable one, not a massive fortune.

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There has never been a better time to put and end to the heartache of an unfulfilling relationship and when to leave a marriage.

You can rebuild the happiness and close connection, thanks to the life-changing techniques you can research for spotting signs of a bad relationship.

Is it the same when we feel disappointed or let down by our partners?

In taking some meaning from the hurt you feel at being disappointed in signs of a bad relationship where there is an unfulfilling marriage, a colleague shared the following insight:

It's easy to when the world around you, say your marriage is in good health is prospering, and when your fortunes turn and your world is in hardship, how you interact within your marriage can often paint an altogether different picture.

"You feel disappointment" so keenly, because you love people, and love is also what keeps us coming back for more, keeps us trying to do things better, and helps us to keep trying even when we feel let down.

You set standards of behavior for yourself and set the same high standards for those around you, and are disappointed when they let you down.

I think the world of my friends.

In taking a closer look, we realize that this is part of what love is about.

Do we feel disappointment or hurt so keenly, because we put our partners up on such a pedestal and expect them to always get it?

In many cases, the disappointment you feel is in your perspective of the situation.

We love our friends, but the real test of a friendship or relationship is when, in times of crisis, we feel let down or disappointed in our loved ones or the outcome achieved.

We feel a sense of togetherness to share our feelings with others when we are able.

This was perhaps a little more complicated than I had anticipated, and it made me wonder whether the fault was on them for not living up to our expectations or standards, or whether our standards were in fact what was at fault.

Is it fair to expect the same level of respect and love that you offer so freely to those that you love?

How we feel about those we love can have a huge impact on the health of the relationship, much like a relationship with a friend.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Marriage, like life, is a cycle of ups and downs.

I tell myself that I must lower my expectations of others and that I will do so in what they expect of me, but the reality is that I seem unable to do so.

Sharing our feelings of connection with others, and letting them know that what they do is valued.

How do we let go of the hurt in an unfulfilling marriage and how to leave a relationship?

It's about getting to know each other better even when there are signs of a bad relationship.

Some would say that an unfulfilling marriage is lacking unconditional love which is giving love without the expectation of reciprocation. It doesn't make it any easier.

In talking to a partner about your feelings and what leads you to feel these feelings is a valuable part of intimacy.

It's about helping your partner see why you feel the way you do.

There is also the fear that your comments can be taken the wrong way, or that they can be used against you or interpreted as a criticism.

It's not about criticism.

Part of loving those around you is knowing they share the same values as you, and that when you need it, they will be there to support you.

Telling your partner about your feelings and expectations is a hard thing to do, and exposes you to a certain amount of vulnerability.

And, keep in mind realizing that loving someone is about loving them even when they let you down.

It may not be perfect, and it feels scary, but that is one of the most valuable parts of this exercise.

It's about helping communicate a part of what makes you tick.

Remember, if you're in an unfulfilling marriage seek out more tips on the web about unconditional love, and developing greater understanding of what it truly takes to create and foster a healthy and loving marriage.

Knowing that quitting isn't an option, and that the benefit of hanging in there is going to deliver benefits to both of you is what keeps many people going.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.