My Family Doesn't Like My Husband: My Family Hates My Husband
I have no idea how many age old dilemmas exist, but I'm sure there's a mountain of them. One of those ugly dilemmas is when you are married to someone your family says they don't like. Honestly, my heart goes out to you, because if you let it, you will be caught in a push-pull situation that never ends. You love your family and their opinion matters but they are critical of the person you married. The laws of loyalty, which are spiritual in nature, can guide you to do the right thing. Marriage counseling won't work in this situation because the study of spiritual laws is not part of western psychological training. A marriage counselor will not ultimately rely on principles other than ones that make you think you feel better. It is not that they discount spiritual principles; they just don't recognize them. Yet in situations like this, spiritual principles will give you all of the help you will ever need.
Loyalty Is The Highest Law
The first question that comes to mind is to whom you owe your highest loyalty. The simple answer is your spouse. The graciousness of your parents bringing you into this world and caring for you is a gift without comparison. But it is a gift that does not command an eternal debt. They knew what they were getting into (OK, maybe not completely) when they chose to have children and it includes letting go of you in stages as you become an adult. The final stage of letting go of their control over you happens when you get married. At that time you become the new foundation for future generations. Your loyalty is to your spouse first and secondly to your children.
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Be a Peacemaker
Part of the obligation you have to your spouse is to be supportive at all times and in all situations. When you have any evil thought or utter an evil word about your spouse you are being disloyal. The very easy test that you could administer to yourself as to whether you are being disloyal or not is to simply ask yourself, "If my spouse heard what I am about to say would it hurt his/her feelings?" If there is any chance it would hurt their feelings, silence is the rule. I bring this point up because the chances of your family not liking your spouse due to their own interactions are slim, unless you provided further ammunition to them. So your mission is to heal the rifts that exist between your family and your spouse to the best of your ability.
Here are 4 things you can do that will help:
1) Apologize to your family for exaggerating your spouse's flaws. Admit your own weakness of anger and promise you won't say bad things about him/her again.
2) Apologize to your spouse and eat humble pie. Do not become defensive by their reaction. Become more and more humble, disarmingly humble.
3) Behave in a way that demonstrates your loyalty. Don't ask your family members to change their minds. Ask both sides to get along for the sake of family harmony.
4) Tell your spouse in no uncertain terms that you have learned your lesson and want them to know your loyalty to them is your highest priority.
Although there are cases for which the above may not apply, in most cases that I have come across the above is right on. Don't trade off your family for your pride. Be the best spouse who ever lived and tell your lover, "I love you."
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One client, commenting on his marriage said, "This is hard. I still love her to death, but this is harder than I ever thought it would be." To be frank marriage is not for the faint of heart.
In the Wizard of Oz the tin man, the cowardly lion and the scarecrow each find within themselves what they most lack while helping Dorothy find her way home. Dorothy courageously meets each new challenge and is respectful to everyone. There are lessons to be learned from this story that would serve us well in marriage.
First, to keep your marriage strong and healthy you need to be prepared to meet your challenges courageously and treat each other with respect. Next, you can learn and grow and find within yourself the courage, caring and intelligence to strengthen rather than weaken your relationship.
People often fall into the trap of wanting their partner to give them something that can only come from within. We want our partner to make us feel beautiful, secure, loveable, worthwhile and happy. But the snag is that if we don't accept and love our self, our partner will never be able to fill the void. No matter how hard they try to prove to us that we are beautiful, secure, loveable, or worthwhile; we will not feel it because we don't believe we are.
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This is a bit like trying to fill an emotional bucket with a hole in the bottom. You may at times seem to be making progress, but the slightest difficulty will result in an empty bucket. When we depend on our partner to meet our needs we will inevitably be disappointed.
We each have within us what is necessary to meet our own needs. We have the ability and opportunity to choose to be happy; we can choose to learn to love our self, sooth our self and hang on to our self in tough situations. When we grow in our ability to truly stand on our own two feet, we grow in our ability to form healthy relationships with others.
Yes marriage can be hard, but it gets easier as we choose to see painful moments as opportunities to grow and find what we are lacking whether it be courage, caring or intelligence. We can develop our courage as we set boundaries and stand up for and take responsibility for our self. We expand our caring as we practice loving our partner unconditionally-when we choose to remember in every situation, that no matter what happens, our love for them is untouched. We can sharpen our intelligence as we search out better, more creative solutions for our problems.
Applying the lessons learned in the Wizard of Oz will help us strengthen our marriage by strengthening our self.
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This bit of relationship advice for women is something that I think a lot of women can benefit from. As women, girlfriends and wives tend to act, well, girly. That's perfectly normal. There are some girls that take it to an extreme and simply ramp up the "girliness" to the extent that they start grating on the man's nerves. This might be just to annoy them. The worst thing is, some women don't realize that with every minute that they're acting girly to their man, their man is considering other women that he could be dating. Here are three reasons why.
1. Lack Of Maturity
Girliness is an attribute of a girl. A girl is a female who is a child. When we marry you, we want someone who is mature and who acts their age (usually). If we wanted to look after a girl, we'd try to make a daughter with you.
Femininity is a lot more attractive. It's sexy, while girliness is just a turn off. Girliness is also attributed to lack of emotional control, while femininity is using your emotions to make the most out of the relationship.
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2. Emotional Control
I'll elaborate on the point of emotional control now. Girls do develop their emotions a lot faster than guys do, but this doesn't mean that guys are always going to be able to bear with girls who fly off the handle at the smallest provocation.
It gets worse. Consider when women have PMS. There's less emotional control than usual. I remember when I was dating Elle, I would literally not be in the same room as her. She could be that unbearable. Now that she's older, she more aware of it and it isn't as much of a problem anymore.
3. We Like Independent Women
In this day and age, it's far more attractive to be married to a woman who is independent who you know doesn't need you. Having a woman who is girly and needs constant emotional support is draining.
I used to date a girl who would miss me constantly, even after I just left her to go to study at university. I felt like I was suffocating. It obviously didn't last long between us.
This piece of relationship advice for women is something that I think a lot of women can relate to. For different women at different stages of their life it may be more or less relevant. At any rate, if you're someone who you know can be annoyingly girly, don't say I didn't warn you.
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"and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria and to the end of the earth" (Acts 1:8b).
As our lives become more hectic many married couples lose the intimacy present when they first married. Work, kids, household chores, and other general busy-ness often get in the way of the relationship.
A great way to recover the intimacy in your marriage is to serve God together. By placing the emphasis on others a couple can experience a revival of the intimacy they had when first married. A Godly marriage consists of people who think of their spouse's needs and wants before their own. When you serve others you think less of your own desires and become a model for your children and other couples.
Jerusalem
At this point you may be saying, "Rick, this sounds great, but where do I start." The answer is to start where Jesus started in Acts 1:8-Jerusalem; your Jerusalem; your local church.
There are a wide variety of ways to serve your church body as a couple. Some examples include:
· Serve as greeters on Sunday mornings
· Teach a Sunday school class together
· Serve together in the church nursery
· Mentor a young married couple-your experience could be just what they need
· Offer to baby-sit for a couple with young children so they can have a "date night"
Judea
In Jesus' day, Judea was the name of the Roman province which included Jerusalem. The northern border was roughly 20 miles north of Jerusalem and the southern border was about 10 miles south of Jerusalem. From east to west it extended from the Jordan River to about 10 miles east of the Mediterranean coast. Overall, it covered roughly 1600 square miles.
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Your Judea-your neighborhood-is probably not that large. Yet it can seem that way as most Americans, even in the heart of suburbia, do not know their neighbors very well, if at all.
Hosting a neighborhood "open house" is a great way to get to know your neighbors. Christmas is a good time to do this. If you have a pool, the summer might work as well. Maybe you can find some neighbors who share the same allegiance to a college or professional football team and you can host "game watching" parties with alternate activities for those not interested in football.
This may sound complicated and expensive but it does not have to be. In fact, the simpler the better. By keeping the food, decorations, and activities simple you allow for more interaction between you and your neighbors. During this time you can learn of their concerns and offer to pray for them. If they do not know Christ you can share the Gospel with them and/or invite them to come to church with you. Someone new to the neighborhood or new to the Gospel will be more likely to attend a church where they already know someone.
Whatever you choose to do, engage your neighbors. Keep it simple and put the focus on them and not you and your beautiful (or not so beautiful) house.
Samaria
Samaria, in Jesus's day, was sandwiched between Judea and Galilee. The Jews of Jesus's day considered Samaritans "unclean" and it is the Jewish hatred of the Samaritans which makes the parable of the Good Samaritan so poignant and powerful-to His original audience and to us.
Samaria symbolizes your community. No matter what the economic situation is in your city, there are still needs. There are families who are barely getting by; senior citizens who have no family in the area; a military family with spouse and/or parent stationed overseas.
There are so many ways to serve these needs, as well as the many others in your community:
· Bring food or send a restaurant gift card to a family having trouble making ends meet
· "Adopt" a senior citizen-visit with them, offer to clean their house, or complete repairs on their home and/or car
· Bring desert or dinner once a month to the nearest fire or police station
· Take the military family out to dinner and a movie or offer to babysit so the parent at home can get some much-needed time away from the little ones
What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?
To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!
To the end of the earth
You may or not personally know a missionary serving in some far-off land. Sadly, many of them, even with the advent of new technologies like Skype, etc., are suffering from "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" syndrome and sometimes their own families forget birthdays or anniversaries.
Start by talking to your pastor or contact your denomination's mission organization and find a missionary to "adopt." Here are some ideas to serve your adopted missionary:
· Send them a monthly e-mail asking how they are doing
· Commit to pray for them-daily as well as special requests
· Send e-cards on their birthdays and other special occasions
· Inquire about what they miss most about home and try to include something in a care package to help them feel more at home.
Serving God and others together as a couple sounds much harder than it really is but the benefits to your marriage are immeasurable. By serving together you each get in the habit of putting the needs of others ahead of your own as well as creating memories as a couple. Soon you will be asking yourselves who is more blessed-you or those you have served?
Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.
You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.
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