My Divorce Journal - Is Trust Fixable?

Then - 12/10/2003

“Last night when ‘Carl’ got home from his meeting and was in ‘Dan’s’ room saying good night, I thought I smelled liquor on him. I told him and he rolled his eyes and got huffy. It still bothered me so before he could go downstairs I asked him if I could smell his breath. He went ballistic. He yelled ‘This is ridiculous. You’re not smelling my breath over and over!’
I told him to stop yelling and that I had every right to smell him. When he finally relented, the thing that I smelled the most was cigarettes so I couldn’t even tell if he had been drinking.

Of course his ranting didn’t give me any sense of security whatsoever! I keep remembering Dr. Phil’s express ‘Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.’

Eventually I sat down to watch TV and he came in. He said ‘I don’t know what happened before but I feel like I can’t do anything right. I go to the meetings and you still question me! I feel….’ Before he could finish, I jumped in and said ‘Like an alcoholic?’

I went on to say ‘I have every right to question you. You lied to me for a long time. If you’re so gung-ho about proving that you don’t drink then you shouldn’t be bothered if I question you. It really makes me more suspicious.’

In my mind I equate our scenario to a husband who cheated on his wife. If he really wants to earn her trust back he has to be willing to be accountable for every minute of everyday that they are not together, until she feels that she can trust him again. I think ‘Carl’ should earn my trust back and I feel it’s the least he owes me for what he has done to our family. But therein lies the question: Does he really see what he has done to us?”

Now – 2/20/11

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I couldn’t believe that he was being defensive about me questioning whether he was drinking or not. I’ve learned since then that he was in such denial that he had a problem that he was shocked that I didn’t trust him.

To be honest, our issues with trust began way before finding out he was an alcoholic. I had lived for years with a knot in my stomach every time we had to deal with his family because he never stood up to them for their unwarranted behavior towards me or my children; he took the road of complacency every chance he could and I gradually learned to not trust that he had our best interest at heart. Ironically he wanted peace at all costs and what he got was a family at war and a marriage crumbling around him.

While in couple’s therapy I expressed over and over that I needed to feel protected by him, that the children and I were his first priority and that he would stand up for us when his family hurt us. He said he was sorry over and over however he never changed the behavior. So I learned to trust that his words spoke louder than his actions.

It wasn’t until I spoke to my therapist alone that I started to come to the realization that I had been divorcing him for awhile, I just hadn’t noticed it.

Next week – What would you miss?