Monogamy. Is It Worth It?

This is a big subject but I have a few ideas I’d like to share from my workshops and from my studies of cultural anthropology.

I believe men’s nature is to have multiple partners. Polygyny (the practice of having more than one wife at a time) is preferred by 85% of the cultures today. Think about this: if there were nine men and one woman left on the planet, we would not be able to re-propagate the species. But, if there were 9 women and one man, we most likely would. It makes biological sense. Women, on the other hand, are generally a lot more monogamous. They need a man they can count on to take care of them while they’re pregnant and after the children are born.

Looking at the hunter-gatherers, survival being a priority, a man would generally not tolerate having to support another man’s child. Certainly not after marriage. Even today, overall, men are less tolerant of a woman’s affair than women are of a man’s. One thing I’ve noticed is that as women gain economic independence, they’re more likely to have affairs. There’s also more access to men away from the home today, with most women working outside of the home.

The men I’ve talked to about this subject tell me, of course, they would prefer to be able to have sex with any woman they find attractive. Men seem to be able to have sex without it meaning anything, whereas women usually need to at least make up that the man cares. So women have difficulty understanding when their partner says, “It didn’t mean anything.” After a woman has sex with a man a “bonding” hormone, oxytocin, is created in her body. She bonds with him because she might have gotten pregnant and she needs that man to take care of her. Survival is from where we have evolved. That deep biology is still an important part of us.

So, why are men willing to try and even want monogamy? As we’ve moved away from survival, we have the luxury of wanting more emotional connection. We all want more from our relationships. Most men like being in a loving relationship. My guess is that about 25% of men are going to roam, no matter how good their relationship is at home. But for the others, because they value home, family, and their partner, they don’t roam, or wouldn’t if they were getting their sexual, and even more important, their intimacy needs met.

Men prefer sex with love. But they generally have a strong sex drive because those hunters who were the most easily aroused got the most women pregnant, passing on their genes. Biology again. Because the drive is so strong, they need to do something with it. It’s asking too much of them to stifle it. And since it’s the best way to create a strong bond between a man and a woman, why not make the very most of it? If we think of monogamy as a path to the deepest love, it can be a beautiful thing. If we want it as a way to control and own our partner, then it runs counter to our highest aspirations. Love and intimacy is the goal of marriage, not ownership. Monogamous sex can be the best sex you’ve ever experienced.

Alive With Love