I was terrified of losing him. He was the most loving, present, sweet, tender, powerful, wise, conscious man I had ever met. I had fallen in love with him the second I met him. It was a soul connection beyond words. I felt at home in his arms, as if I had known him for an eternity. I was sure our meeting was divinely inspired.

But it had just "happened" without my planning for it. I wasn't looking to fall in love with him. I was an innocent bystander, a "victim" of circumstance, so to speak. He was just "there" and I just "happened" to fall head over heels in love.

This way of thinking left me feeling powerless. If he could just "happen" to show up in my life, then he could just "happen" to disappear. I was scared. Really scared. I loved him more than I had ever loved before and I didn't want our relationship to ever end. But I really felt like I hadn't created "us" and therefore, had no say so in our future either. We were at the mercy of the stars.

This way of thinking was contrary to how I felt about most things. I had really come to believe I was a powerful creator. I had always been great at manifesting what I wanted in my life. I believed I was 100% responsible for everything that showed up in my life. This belief was an empowering one for me. With it, I could accept what showed up in my life, see gifts in just about everything, and feel some sense of clarity and intention about what I wanted to create in the future. And now with my beloved, I could find no power, no reassuring thought, no comfort. He had just "happened" and he could just as easily "un-happen".

I was feeling this fear of losing my lover very deeply one evening and sharing my dislike of the powerlessness I felt around our relationship. He listened intently, and then very softly asked, "Why do you think you didn't create us?" I proceeded to share with him that our love was too profoundly beautiful, too deep and meaningful, too joyful and blissful, too absolutely amazing and wondrous to have been created by me. I continued on, with great reverence, "Only God would have created something this beautiful. Only God."

It was then that it hit me. If I was 100% responsible for all that showed up in my life, and only God would have created something this beautiful, then I had to be God. Oh my God. I was God.

I sank into this thought with great awe and humility. Tears rolled down my cheeks at this profoundly deep realization. I said over and over again, as if to help myself believe it, "I am God. I am God." I sank deeper into this truth. "I am God. Wow. I really did create this love. I really am THIS beautiful. I really am THIS wondrous. Wow oh wow. I am God."

This awakening into the truth of myself was profoundly moving. I could sense the mysterious vastness and perfection of the creation process, the law of attraction in motion. Had I not secretly fantasized being with someone exactly like him for twenty years? Had I not wanted to be loved like this for all of my life? But I had thought it was just a fantasy, not an active desire I wanted to see actualized in this life. I didn't know that the "God" me had actually been off "manifesting" him for me without my knowing, without my conscious awareness.

My lover just sat with me in the profundity of this realization. There were no accidents. No victims. The truth was, nothing had just "happened." We had in fact created each other from our lifelong desires of the heart. The unmistakable presence of God's hand in our divinely inspired relationship was ours.

That night I acted a bit crazy with this revelation: "God and I are one and the same. God's will is my will. My will is God's will. We are One". When I looked at a tree, I said, "I made that". And when I looked at a deer, I said, "I created that." Everything I looked at and everyone I talked to, I saw God's creation. I saw my creation. I saw me as God. I was giddy with delight to see myself as the divine. I felt like a child who had just discovered candy.

And I knew as I ran around like a child delighting in the fullness of all my creations, that I would go on to create many wonderful miracles in my life, that I could trust the mysterious perfection of God's unfolding, and that I needn't be afraid of losing this sweet dear lover of mine ever again.

Author's Bio: 

Sonika Tinker is passionately committed to shifting the current relationship paradigm from blame, resignation and scarcity to one of joyful, expansive, delightful co-creation. She helps men and women consciously co-create relationships full of laughter, self- expression, deep intimacy and personal empowerment. She has over 30 years experience coaching singles and couples on the issues of relationship, has designed and led hundreds of trainings and touched the lives of thousands.

Sonika Tinker, MSW, is a Relationship Specialist, Certified NLP ProfessionalTM, Certified Enneagram Teacher (with Helen Palmer) and Founder of LoveWorks, a relationship training company. She is co-author of Seize Your Opportunities: Living a Life Without Limits.

Sonika is an energetic, inspiring, educational coach, leader and speaker. She is recognized for her deep loving presence, her authentic, candid honesty, her lazer insight, cutting edge content and practical tools for change. Sonika’s inspiring teaching & coaching includes humorous and moving stories and exercises designed to motivate and educate, all accompanied by a contagious laugh no one ever forgets!