I Resent My Husband Because Of His Family: Things Toxic In Laws Do That Damage Your Marriage

I Resent My Husband Because Of His Family: Things Toxic In Laws Do That Damage Your Marriage

One factor that can and does affect the husband and wife relationship has to do with the nature of how forgiveness is expressed. Admittedly, both parties need to cultivate and display this important quality.

But, a heated exchange over some perceived offense, can often lead to the wife not speaking to her husband for days, weeks, even months. Now, let me repeat that this scenario could be reversed, where the husband could refuse to speak to his wife. Yet, more often, because of the emotional makeup, it is her reaction to the offense that leads to silent in the home.

For many wives, this aloofness feels perfectly justified. Certainly, that is understandable if infidelity is involved. But, I am referring to less serious offenses where a misunderstanding between a husband and wife leads to an 'in home, parting of ways.' so to speak. She sleeps in the bedroom, he sleeps on the sofa in the living room. She stops cooking for him, washing his clothes and, well, intimacy, that is 'out of the question.'

If they do happen to share the same bed, she makes it crystal clear that he better not touch her. Oftentimes, she does not even have to say it; she just gives "that look." Wives, you know exactly what look I am talking about.

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Here is where many wives miss the boat.

Your husband DOES NOT want discord in the home anymore than you do. He WANTS peace and tranquility, just like you. He does not want you to be disappointed in him, or, in what he provides for you.

Even if he does not show it, it pains him inside when he knows you are unhappy. No matter how good the day may be going away from home, he knows, once he walks through that doorway, he is facing a "wall" of distance. This, depresses husbands, whether the wife notices it or not. It can also make him feel that prolonged aloofness is an indication that she does not really love and respect him. That hurts!

In my experience, a husband will apologize to his wife for the offense, but, she is reluctant to be genuinely forgiving. Further, if she says he forgives him, she will not apologize for any part she may have played in the offense. Why? (Again, I am not talking here about something serious like adultery. That is a whole different story)

Simply put, she feels justified and hurt. Unbeknownst to her however, he will likely perceive it as pride. This especially the case when the wife refuses to acknowledge, or, confess her own shortcomings in the matter. Wives, no man wants to be wrong all the time by himself.

So wives, remember this. When you accept his apology, right away accept responsibility for your own part in the offense. To be honest, rarely are there marital problems where both husband, and wife are not responsible. When you forgive him, do no overlook the importance of recognizing and confessing your role in the offense. Your husband will love you for this humble expression.

Wayne Holloway is a married father of two adult daughters. He has been a husband to the same lovely and supportive woman for more than 36 years. His wife and their two daughters have, in his words, "taught him well".

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Love is essential in order for a marriage to work, because most marriages are based on the love felt by partners for each other. Unless a marriage is just based on convenience, a union usually dissolves when love is already gone. To save a marriage means restoring love between the couple. It's an unfortunate thing when love fizzles out of a marriage. In order to restore a healthy relationship it's necessary to rekindle the love that you felt for your partner when you first got hitched.

To rekindle the love and passion in your relationship, you should first remember the things that you do for each other during the first stages of your relationship. Remember the times that you served breakfast in bed for your spouse, or the time you ordered a hundred roses just for your anniversary? Those little things are very important when it comes to maintaining the love in a relationship, and you need to bring them back if you want to save a marriage.

An effective way to tell if a marriage is in the doldrums is if the intensity of the sex has dwindled too. Couples who have been together for the longest time usually experience a lackluster period in their intimate life. More often that not, sex will become a bit stale at some point in a couple's relationship. One way to save a marriage is to bring back the sizzle in your sex life. To resolve this problem, make a supreme effort to spend more time with each other. Make love like you once did when your relationship was still young. Remember the passion that the two of you had back then? Passion like that should never wane even when you've been together for many years now. Bring back the sizzle in your relationship by going on a vacation, just the two of you and have a second honeymoon. Take time off from your jobs and the kids and focus on getting to know each other intimately all over again.

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Any relationship will have its own share of arguments and bitterness. The important thing however is to learn how to overcome them. Hiding resentment from your partner is a surefire way to dampen the love and passion that you have for your spouse. Learn how to talk things over and always strive to come into resolution. Get over your resentments. . To save a marriage, it is necessary to extend more understanding towards your mate.

Jealousy is a staple in every relationship. It can damage relationships, but it can actually put the love back in your union if experienced in healthy doses. As long as nothing destructive happens as a result of intense jealousy, a little bit of it can help you express how important your partner is to you.

Perhaps the most important thing of all is to remember to tell your spouse how much you love him or her. Knowing that your partner loves you back is essential to save a marriage. Do not say "I love you" on just special occasions; learn how to say it everyday, every chance you get. Being loved and knowing it is the most precious feeling in the world.

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Having your husband's love back seems to be impossible. But this is simply not true. Any married person who has been through this phase in life knows the feeling of devastation that looms upon them when the marriage seems to be ending. If your heart still beats for him, but it is clear that his feelings have shifted from you, you may come to believe that divorce is the solution. But no - still, there are ways to win him back and save the marriage.

First step in the direction of success and saving your marriage is that you should accept his condition, as in his changed feelings. If you want to fight this thought, it's pretty normal and in accordance with human psychology, but denying that your husband's feelings have changed does nothing to save your marriage. You have to remember that being human, we are always changing, no matter what we want. If you are still trying to "convince" him to come back, it will result in more distance. If you want his love and affection back to you, first acknowledge the fact that he has lost his love for you. Only then you can work upon a winning strategy. You also must let him know that you accept his change of heart; and the best way to do that is to agree with him if he asks for a separation. Even though this may feel like the beginning of the end, it's not. You actually have hit the right nerve. Now he knows that you respect his decision and you are mature enough to understand his feelings, and you are not acting selfishly. Gradually he will come back towards you as you have showed him your broadened heart.

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All men love competitive women. They want to win them, because that's how men feel about women initially (before when they have any attachment with that woman). You need to show your husband that you can be the person you were before the marriage. Saving your marriage means that you have to let him fight his way back to you. It means leave some clues on what you are doing and let him find the rest. You have to show him that you can be fun to be with and if you let your hair down like not looking after yourself, then its time for you to hit the gym and go do your hair.

It is just the small and simple things that matter the most in saving your marriage.

Even if both spouses love each other sincerely, at times they might find themselves getting more and more distant from each other and getting close to a divorce. But like me, you too can take some steps into saving your marriage and turning it into a satisfying relationship.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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1. Relationships take work.

Some people believe that if you find your "soulmate", then the relationship will be forever and invariably easy. It will all just come "naturally".

No, it won't. ALL relationships take effort and commitment if they're going to last and be successful. The fact that your relationship is hard sometimes doesn't mean that you're with the wrong partner. It just means that you're in a relationship with a person. If you want easy, get a dog.

A relationship with a human partner requires that you commit yourself to Listening, Understanding, and Responding. Your partner has feelings, needs, wishes, and experiences. To the degree that you commit to and practice to Listen in service of Understanding your partner, andto be Responsive to what you now understand, you have a good chance of being successful in your relationship.

2. Relationships are living things and require nurturance.

Partners sometimes believe that relationships will remain healthy and resilient just because at one point they were. Relationships require attention, care and feeding, just like any other living thing. Whether or not you're noticing, they're experiencing the wear and tear of daily life. Relationships need to be nourished regularly, with kindness, intimacy, opportunities for closeness through sharing and caring. If a relationship doesn't get these things regularly or sufficiently it will weaken, the same way your body will weaken if it's neglected.

A relationship that has been inadequately cared for is less able to absorb and bounce back from the inevitable challenges, stresses, and demands of life. Without the resilience that comes from good care a relationship can become fragile or brittle and may break under stress.

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3. Relationships require negotiation and compromise.

No two people are ever going to see everything exactly the same way. As long as there are two functional human beings in a relationship there are going to be times where needs, wishes, experiences, and opinions diverge. Again, this is not a sign that you're with the wrong person. This is a sign that you're with a person.

Divergent feelings don't doom a relationship. An unwillingness or inability to compromise or negotiate might.

Developing your skills in negotiation and compromise can make a big difference to your success, both in navigating a particular event and in supporting your relationship.

More important however than skills is willingness and commitment. If you're only committed to getting what you want, getting things your way, or getting your partner to surrender, you may win a battle, but you'll lose the relationship. Relationship health requires that your primary commitments be to your partner and to your relationship, as well as to getting your own needs met. In a relationship you cannot get your own needs successfully met in the long term unless you also meet the needs of your partner.

Negotiation involves turning TOWARD your partner, not against your partner.

4. Be nice.

It is often easier to be nice to casual acquaintances or even strangers than the people to whom we are closest. Those casual acquaintances and strangers carry so much less importance for us than our partners do. Their transgressions or slights rarely feel as personal as what happens between us and our partners.

When we're emotionally intimate with someone, everything can feel personal. Our vulnerability is high, so our reactivity is often intense.

The casualty of those emotions can be the willingness to be nice, generous, patient, tolerant, or forgiving.

On the other hand, being nice to your partner, in ways big and small, is often the leverage for turning a deteriorating relationship around. It draws your partner TOWARD you. When you're not being nice, your partner experiences that as you being turned AGAINST him or her. If you turn TOWARD your partner with demonstrations of thoughtfulness or sensitivity, then your partner is more likely to turn toward you as well.

5. Kindness is the Golden Key.

The single greatest contribution that you can make to a relationship's ultimate success is Kindness. Unless you are actively and literally unsafe, there is rarely a circumstance where kindness isn't a positive and powerful contribution to any relationship. When in doubt, be kind.

Dr. Benna Sherman has been a Licensed Psychologist in private practice in Severna Park, Maryland, for over 20 years. She has a specialty in Marriage/Relationship Counseling and writes a biweekly newspaper column on relationships. Her book, "How to Get and Give Love - Relationship Maps", is now available on Amazon.com in both paperback and Kindle.

Now Listen Carefully-

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