I Kicked My Husband Out: I Kicked My Cheating Husband Out Should I Feel Guilty About This

I Kicked My Husband Out: I Kicked My Cheating Husband Out Should I Feel Guilty About This

Occasionally, I hear from women who are being judged for their reaction to their husband's cheating. Many wives don't really want to be around their husband immediately after the cheating is discovered, so they ask him to leave for a while.

Of course, when this news gets out, there are people who will have something to say about this or have an opinion on it. And this can cause the wife to second guess her decision or to wonder if she acted hastily or harshly.

She might ask: "should I feel guilty for kicking my cheating husband out? I found indisputable evidence of him cheating. I stewed for a little while after this and then tried to determine what I wanted to do. I considered calling him at work and confronting him, but I could not bring myself to do this. Then, I realized that he would be coming home at any time. I still did not want to face him so I put his clothing in garbage bags and I left a note attached to the garage door. I told him that I did not want him to step foot in our house for a while. I was surprised that he read the note and then left. He did not try to change my mind. But he went straight to his mother's. And he told her everything. She called me and I did not pick up. But she left a message saying that I should be ashamed of myself for kicking my children's father out of their own home. She said I should have handled this like an adult and not a child. I asked some friends about this. Although a couple of them said that I had nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of, some of them said that I should have heard what my husband had to say before I made a quick decision to kick him out. Who is right? Should a wife feel guilty when she kicks her cheating husband out?"

Anything that I say (or write in this case) is only going to be my opinion. And as you have seen from the response that you've gotten, everyone seems to have an opinion when you are going through a situation like this. But I would argue that only a few people's opinion truly matters. Your opinion matters most of all. And your therapist's opinion should also matter. But beyond that, I'm not sure that you should care too much about what other people think.

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You are not the one who cheated. Your husband made the decision to cheat. And this, through no fault of your own, left you with a decision to make about your marriage. Probably, you were motivated by anger and shock when you wrote that letter. But I am not sure that anyone could blame you for its contents.

My opinion on this is that it is your right to decide what you want and do not want moving forward. It is your marriage after all and you have to live with the consequences. I do believe that if there are children involved, you don't necessarily have the right to negatively affect a child's relationship with his or her father. The relationship between your children and their father is not your relationship.

I always felt that it was in my children's best interest to encourage a healthy relationship with their father, regardless of what was happening with our marriage. This is why I always kept our marital issues completely separate from his relationship with his children. I was always clear on the fact that my husband was a great father.

There was a short period of time where I asked my husband for some time and space. However, I had an open door policy as far as our children were concerned. I did not feel guilty that I needed space from him. I did not feel guilty that he temporarily stayed somewhere else. I would have felt guilty if I'd keep his children from him, but this was not the case.

It is probably obvious by now that I believe that you have the right to make your choices without guilt, as long as the decisions that you make concern your marriage and not his relationship with other family members.

I also know that often as anger fades, you will sometimes reevaluate these decisions. At the time my husband and I were taking a break, I never thought that I might one day revisit my marriage and be open to trying to salvage things, but that is what I did.

In the beginning though, I did not want to be around my husband and I needed time to process the events that were happening. He understood this, although I am sure that some of his friends did not think all that highly of me at the time. So what, though? It is not anyone's business but the people directly involved in the marriage. My husband understood that his decision to cheat was the reason for my decisions and actions. If he had never cheated, then nothing would have changed.

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After getting into a serious argument with your husband, you often think "how do I win my husband back?" But the thing that frustrates you the most might be that he thinks so differently, and you also say to yourself "Why can't he think more like I do?"

There's all sorts of examples of why this can come up. You're always cleaning up around the house, and he's always making a mess. You seem to always remember and plan for important events, and he's either just barely remembering them or just plain forgetting them. You are always open to sharing your feelings and emotions, while he mostly bottles everything up.

All of this can be so frustrating! But think about the differences between you and your husband. I know this is something I didn't put enough thought into for myself. My husband tends to show emotions in bursts. He can go for days without hinting at how he really feels about something. And then it seems like he just snaps!

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But when I think about it, I realize his father acted in much the same way. My dad, on the other hand, was much more consistent in how he dealt with emotions. Granted, it wasn't always a cupcake how I grew up! But this is one key difference I wasn't thinking about before.

Also, my husband has kinda been a "local" his whole life, or at least until he met me. While I'm not the most traveled person ever, I went on a lot of family vacations all around the country from the time when I was little. While my hubby was growing up, I don't think he ever went outside of a 50 mile radius from his hometown! Again, this isn't something I put too much thought into at first, but I think it really does make a difference.

So what I recommend is to following my lead: try your best to change your perspective! Take a step back, and tell yourself "I can win my husband back if I can just figure out how he is seeing the situation." Even better, you can go ahead and ask him "What is it about the situation that made you think that way?" You don't have to be direct about how differently you see it, and you're giving him a chance to explain himself. And of course, this is a great time to remind yourself that your husband's way of thinking isn't wrong just because it's different from yours.

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There are many people who think that their past doesn't have any influence on them today. They may feel this way because their childhood was years or decades ago, or perhaps because they've created a different life for themselves now. Others might discount the importance of their childhood on their present because they no longer live with their parents or may have told themselves they moved beyond it. However, it is not accurate to believe our past is completely in the past. Why? Because our crucial development took place in childhood and hurts or events from our past can have a negative influence on our current relationships without us even being aware of it.

Our brains, how we think, feel, and behave, were largely being formed between birth and our teenage years. More development continued into adulthood, but the majority of our learning and molding occurred in childhood. During these early years, we learned basic, crucial life skills, like trusting others, exploring our world, coming to know ourselves, being competent, having concern for others, and learning to be in close relationships. If we had deep or repeated hurts during this time, it left a scar on us emotionally and may have prevented us from fully learning certain skills or completing certain developmental tasks. Our purpose here is not to blame our parents. They probably did the best they knew how to do at the time. Instead, the reason for looking back to our past is to determine how past hurts are showing up in the present day and learn to move beyond them.

Being mindful can move us beyond past hurts. Mindfulness means being aware of what is happening inside of you in the present: right here and right now. When we are not mindful, we are reacting. Reacting happens when you do or say what your initial impulse is, often without even being aware of what you're doing or saying.

When we are not mindful, our past hurts can creep into present day situations and influence how we see and react to situations. How do you know the present situation is colored by your past? It's when you freak out or shut down or otherwise feel very unsettled where others around you remain calm. In your intimate relationship, these are the areas that deeply upset you.

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Here's an example of how childhood hurts can crop up, and how being mindful can help you release painful feelings, move on, and improve your relationship.

Imagine two married women talking (not difficult to imagine, I'm sure). One women casually mentioned that her husband was planning to golf all day that coming weekend. The other was surprised to hear that her friend was okay with that. She certainly wouldn't be okay with her husband doing the same thing!! She wondered to herself, "How can she be all right with her husband making those plans?!" The surprised feeling was a clue that imagining her partner's absence for the day was touching on something from her past. It was a trigger for her: her past was intermingling with present day circumstances. Her usual reaction when her husband planned all day outings was to get very upset with him. Without thinking, she would accuse him of doing something wrong. "How can you even think of planning a day of fun and relaxation for yourself and not consider me!?" He would say "It's not a big deal! I'll be home by 4:00 and I'll be home all the next day! You want me around ALL the time. You're so demanding!" They would end up in a big argument.

When she chooses to be mindful instead of just reacting angrily, the outcome can be very different. Being mindful is slowing down, noticing what's occurring inside of you, and choosing a different reaction. In this scenario, when her husband made plans the woman actually had to stop herself from accusing her husband. In fact, she couldn't talk to him at the moment those feelings came up because she would have reacted angrily. Instead of reacting, she paid close attention to the thoughts in her head. She realized she was telling herself, "He should want to be home with me and the kids on weekends. What right does he have to go out and have fun all day? He doesn't really want to be with us. He doesn't truly care about us."

Remember: she didn't say these thoughts - that would have been reacting/doing. She did nothing on the outside. She asked herself what she was feeling. Feelings are one word each. She felt jealous, rejected, angry, and lonely. Next, she connected it to the past. It came to mind that being home on weekends with her father when she was a girl felt similar, somehow. He was home but unavailable to her because he was working on his model train hobby for hours each day. They had no interaction. She didn't know it at the time, but she felt lonely as a child.

Now back to the present: even though the circumstances weren't exactly the same, there was a link between past and present. Naming the feelings and coming to know she felt lonely allowed her to make this connection. What did she do with these feelings? She did exactly the right thing. She 'sat' with them. She allowed herself to feel them, even though it is difficult and painful to feel jealousy, rejection and loneliness. She let them come up as opposed to trying to stuff them down. She noticed where they appeared in her body instead of distracting herself from them (by blaming and accusing her husband). She sat and experienced them until they subsided.

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She was mindful in the sense that she decided to become curious about herself. Rather than doing or saying anything in the moment, she went inside of herself to explore what was coming up. Instead of telling herself that her husband was the cause of her anger, she made the conscious choice to see what was inside of her that was the source of her anger. It turns out that imaging that her husband was going out was just the trigger that touched on the past hurt.

Now here's the next big step: deliberately choosing to have a different reaction. In this case, the woman decided to find a new way to react to her husband's plans to leave the house. Now that she realized that it was loneliness underneath the upset, she could find a better way to get the loneliness soothed. She asked for two things: a hug right then and for time together when he got home. This was a HUGE shift because she moved away from blaming him. She stopped making him out to be the bad guy. She now could see that him going out golfing for a day wasn't abusive or neglectful. She could remember that there were, indeed, many other times that he made plans to be with her and many other times when he reached out to hold her when they were home. She came to know that her initial upset had much more to do with what she experienced in childhood than it had to do with her husband going out.

Amazingly, because she recognized and could ask CALMLY for what she really wanted, her husband WANTED to be home with her more. I see this often in my work with couples: as one partner becomes calmer, the other partner is drawn to be with them. A shift in one spouse brings about a positive shift in the other spouse. Not necessarily right away, but over time, partners inch closer to one another.

Being mindful is the key to getting relationship problems resolved. In every moment with your partner, you have the ability to be curious about yourself and make a conscious choice to act differently. This is what brings about change in your life. Being mindful means you stop and notice what's going on inside of yourself BEFORE doing anything. Being curious about yourself and deciding to do things differently will bring about healing for you AND will enable you to get your needs met. As you do things better in the present, you are leaving past hurts behind. You will begin to create the marriage you've always longed for: loving, supportive, and a safe haven for you both.

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