Husband Has Given Up On Our Marriage: When Your Husband Says He Is Done

How good is your marriage? Are all your needs being answered and your dreams fed?

If you can say yes to these questions you do not need to read this article as you are in the 50% of married couples doing okay.

The other fifty percent may be on the way to a divorce as these are the statistics that bear the mark of so many failed marriages. There is a lot involved in getting married and it is considered by most to be a really big deal. Those that opt for the traditional method plan the big event often for years so it seems a real pity when after all that hard work a young couple who could not make it work call it a day and apply for divorce under the guise of irreconcilable differences. What exactly does that mean?

Once they were actually married and living together as husband and wife a flaw in their relationship was discovered proving to difficult to be fixed. So are couples giving up too easily now? The general opinion is yes as lot can be done to help with the adjustments that often need to be made when any two people decide to spend their lives together.

I believe we forget we are no longer single and continue to operate in that way never wanting to compromise or change the way we think and live. As far as principle and ideals are concerned you should never have to change them for anyone and if you are in a marriage where your partner has completely different thinking to yours you may certainly be wondering whom the heck you married.

Not many people fall in love with a person who is their identical mind twin so like the rest of us are faced with the fact that we are often going to disagree with things that arise on a daily basis. It may be about the car we buy or the school the kids are going too. Both examples of decisions couples will have to make as a team in the course of their marriage.

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The person you married may have a slant or opinion you had not thought of before so before you jump in with your own opinion try to listen to what they have to say. If we are open our husband or wife can teach us things, as is often the case when two soul mates get married. I think many marriages fail not only because of an affair or something more sinister like being married to a control freak but because we are not good listeners.

When your partner and you next come to loggerheads about a decision take 2 mental steps back and listen to what they have to say. If they are shouting still say nothing because when a person has their voice raised and no one else has they tend to start talking a lot quieter as they suddenly realize they are not competing for air space. Everybody is talking in this world but not as many listening.

Have you ever noticed how great listeners are surrounded by people who love to share their problems? In fact counselors make a fantastic living out of doing just that and the amount of people they see who tell them their partner will not listen to them would easily be a days worth of clientele

If you can learn to listen to your husband or wife the difference will astound you. The shouting would surely stop and decision making within the marriage will become a breeze.

If you have a husband who always has to be right listening to them talk then offering them a possibility to their point of view can be a gentle way of leaving their ego intact while coming to the best decision possible. Some men have been raised to be the head of the family and the decision maker and it is hard for them to see their wife as an equal capable of making good decisions. This dinosaur thinking does still exist but a wife can ease a husband like this into a more collective style of decision making by showing him it is possible. Many men have been quite relieved that a loving caring wife was able to take some of the pressure off.

You have to remember that you are a couple but still two very unique people who are bound to have thoughts of their own. It is how you navigate through these differences that is so important. Each partner can do so much to support the marriage, which is an entity of its own and needs constant nurturing and understanding. With love as an aid to melt even the most stubborn of partners hearts success is guaranteed.

You do not lose face or pride if you listen to a person instead you gain insight into their point of view. You are showing how much you love and feel for this husband or wife and how much you want the marriage to work. Learning to listen is a skill and takes practice but the rewards can be a long-term happy marriage.

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At some point, most married couples will go through a period where one or both are not happy with the marriage. The signs may be subtle or quite strong, but in any event recognizing that you are not happy is a good first step towards solving this problem.

Unfortunately, many divorces could be avoided if a person who is unhappy in the marriage chose a course of action that led to overcoming their unhappiness rather than just getting out of the marriage. It's understandable that feelings of unhappiness can drive someone to want to make such a change, but the truth is that most marriages actually grow stronger if they can find a way to deal with their feelings rather than leave.

Five Things to do when You are Not Happy with your Marriage

Here are five steps you can take which will help you overcome your unhappiness and stay in the marriage. Each of these steps will take a bit of courage on your part, but the result is certainly well worth the effort.

Identify the Problem: What exactly is it that is making you feel unhappy? You cannot communicate to your spouse unless you have a very strong idea of what it is. Take some time for self examination to reveal just what is causing your feelings.

Communicate Your Feelings from Your Point of View: When you are unhappy in a marriage, your spouse should know about it. In fact, most spouses do know that something is wrong, but perhaps they didn't want to verbalize it. By communicating how you feel, it puts both of you on the same page. However, what you say should be from your point of view and not accusatory or inflaming such as, "I get angry when you do X." when it should be, "I feel sad when I see you do X." That tone allows your partner to engage and respond, not be pushed away.

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Discuss What Changes Can Be Made: While you cannot force your partner to change, you can focus on what could be done to help rectify the situation. I can start as small as "I'm going to hug you before I leave for work each day." Such small gestures can really add up over time to bring more happiness to the marriage.

Cut Down on Distractions: It is during these stressful times that we tend to get distracted because we are tired of feeling this way. While such thoughts are understandable, they pull away from working on the problem itself.

Instead, you should be placing your relationship first and ditching the things that are pulling you away.

Get Professional Help: A marriage therapist or couple counselor can provide a path towards pulling the marriage back together. A professional brings an outside viewpoint and can show you ways of communicating better with your spouse. This can bring the both of you closer together so that your can be happy in the marriage again.

Being unhappy in a marriage is a sure sign of something being wrong. The more quickly you recognize the problem and take action, the better and happier you'll be in the long run.

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The desire to be in a caring relationship seems to be universal. Couples start out with great hopes of living happily ever after. Sadly for many it does not work out that way. After working with many couples I have seen these common mistakes:

Mistake #1: Expecting the exciting falling in love stage to continue indefinitely.

Love goes through stages. The initial attraction love stage is exciting. It is also the stage where the focus is very much on the partner: wanting to please the other and to get to know the other. Both people are generous in showing interest and love towards the other.

Mistake #2: Not being able to accept that the falling in love stage has to change

Couples have to manage the following relationship tasks: how do we support ourselves, how we handle food, how do we have fun, how we deal with relatives, how to incorporate children (if a couple chooses to have some) and how will we handle intimacy. Life is a lot simpler in the falling in love stage because there are far fewer demands on the relationship. Yet lasting love provides caring friendship and intimacy.

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Mistake #3: Hoping that the partner will make one OK

Since in the falling in love stage each partner is so focused on the other it is easy to come to expect that. Gradually all couples have to make a switch to each person taking responsibility for their own well being and that together together they are responsible for the well being of the relationship.

Mistake #4: Not making time to build the relationship

Couples frequently act as if the relationship will take care of itself. Consequently many couples end up living like "married singles". They handle the daily tasks but are forgetting or too stressed to nurture their love and friendship.

Mistake #5 Leaving the growth of their relationship to chance

Relying on chance usually doesn't work so well. Each has to take responsibility to take care of his/her own emotional well being while at the same time working together to grow their relationship.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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The importance of repentance in a relationship has been acknowledged as critical to freedom and peace of those involved. Perhaps, the question now is how one can repent from a wrongdoing inflicted in a relationship. The process of repentance for all offenses is the same whether one is repenting from disobedience to God's commandments or to parents' counsel or from hurting a relationship partner.

There is conditions precedent to repentance and there is a process. The condition precedent to repentance in whatever scenario is self-examination. Both the scriptures and philosophers have called upon human beings to regularly examine their lives. It is this examination of one's life that would show that there is something wrong in it. This self-examination generally leads to the process of repentance, which include:

• Acknowledgment - The first act in the process of repenting from wrongdoings is to acknowledge that we have done something wrong. The key to acknowledging wrongdoing is to examine our lives, our relationships, our conducts, our attitudes regularly and see how much it serves the general good of all involved in the relationship or how it hurts, distorts or disrupts the relationship. As soon as you take this step, your inner spirit would tell you what is wrong in the union. There is the need to pray for the humility to accept that something is wrong. This is usually the hardest part of it all. We all know when we have gone wrong 90 percent of the time. It is actually the self that is the obstacle to progress. Therefore, acknowledging wrongdoing or confessing to oneself is actually the hardest.

• Regret - The second act is for the offender to feel sorry and sorrow for the wrongdoing. The offender must come to the point of regretting the act deeply in his or her soul. He or she should be remorseful and show it by an overt act.

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• Admit before your partner or spouse - The next critical stage is to admit the wrongdoing before the one who has been offended or hurt by your act or omission. The challenge is usually to be able to be humble enough to accept responsibility. When we accept responsibility, the hardest part of the work is done. The confession should be expressed in words before your spouse or partner. It is not appropriate through a third party. You may start through a third party, but you must do this face to face so that the hurting one would be able to feel the spirit of it from you and not just the words or phrases on paper or through another person. This is the time to apologize and this naturally leads to the next act in the process.

• Ask to be forgiven - There is need to expressly ask to be forgiven. When you do, mean that you desire to be forgiven.

• Desist from the act - One of the best ways to know that someone has repented of a wrongdoing is that he or she turns away from doing that which is wrong.

• Increase your love for the offended - This is a part of the repentance process that is largely ignored. However, you ignore this stage to your peril. It is like the scriptural possessed man who was exorcised of an evil spirit. Because he left himself without reasonable activity of positive nature, the evil spirit was said to have come close and found out that the house he vacated is still vacant and therefore went and invited seven of his brothers to come and join him to repossess the unoccupied mind of the individual and restart his torment. When we have wronged a partner or spouse and have been able to acknowledge and gone through the other stages in the process of repentance, we should make the effort to increase our love for the partner or spouse. If not, those acts of wickedness, misconduct and mistakes would rear up their ugly heads again, this time, in a more ferocious manner.

Repentance is as balm used to dress a sore wound. It soothes and heals. Get jars of this balm and keep them in store against the day you would need them in your relationship.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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