Husband Does Nothing For Me: I Do Everything For My Husband And He Does Nothing For Me

Husband Does Nothing For Me: I Do Everything For My Husband And He Does Nothing For Me

After years of working with couples, I am still amazed at how very hard we make it for our partners to give us what we want. When we protect our vulnerabilities with self-obsession, usually in the form of entitlement, resentment, anger, superiority, or self-righteousness, our perspectives become narrow, rigid, and devaluing of others. The motivation then is more to punish than to get the original desire met. We'll make demands on our partners without regard of their likely reaction and in total rejection of their perspectives and vulnerabilities. In other words, we'll make it as hard as possible for our partners to do what we would like them to do.

Here's an exercise to gauge the extent to which you make it hard for your partner to do what you want. First, list what you would like to see more of in your partner's behavior, e. g., show more compassion, listen better, be more helpful, have more interest in sex.

Write how you make it difficult for your partner to show you more of what you would like. Examples:

"I make it difficult for my partner to be more compassionate by my lack of sympathy for why he/she is not compassionate at the moment."

"I make it difficult for my partner to be more interested in sex by constantly complaining and ignoring his/her needs for intimacy."

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"I make it difficult for my partner to listen by talking at him/her, instead of having a conversation (a give and take of information of mutual interest)."

"I make it difficult for my partner to be more helpful by criticizing what he/she does when trying to be helpful."

Now think of how you could make it easier to get what you want.

To make it easier for my partner to____________, I will____________________

Example: "To make my partner more compassionate, I will try hard to understand and sympathize with his/her perspective, even if I disagree with it."

"To make my partner listen better I will listen better to him/her."

"To get my partner help more, I will appreciate his/her effort."

This approach will not guarantee that your partner will cooperate with you, but it will greatly raise the likelihood. You can certainly reduce the resentment, anger, and emotional pollution in your home by recognizing your own blind spots and respecting your partner's vulnerabilities.

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"How can I make my husband want me?" you may ask. This question is more common than you may realize. Marriages usually change as time passes, and you may find that your husband does not seem to be interested in you - at least not as much as he used to during the early stages. This is something that can throw you into confusion if you do not know the appropriate steps to take. You will obviously try to get as many pieces of advice as you can to help you save your marriage. The pieces of advice you are likely to find are themselves so many that you may end up getting more confused as to which ones to follow.

If you would like to bring back the sparkle in your marriage by making your husband have a renewed interest in you, you don't have to do many things. Before you take any action, you will need to be mentally prepared. You should be open and ready to make any necessary adjustments.

Determine any areas of conflict

If you have some conflicts between you and your husband, there will be friction that can affect your relationship. You should therefore try to figure out any possible areas of conflict. You should see to it that you solve any pending problems as quickly as you can in an amicable manner. This may call for compromise.

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Letting troubling issues lie unresolved for some time is bound to create resentment, which will drive a wedge between you and your husband.

You should bear in mind that in many issues, it is not important to be right or win an argument. Making compromises will help you to improve your marriage better than trying to prove that you are right.

Maintain your personal interests

If you would like your husband to want you, you should make your life interesting in the first place. This means that you should pursue your personal interests.

Many wives immerse themselves in taking care of their families and they forget to develop their own lives. After some time, your life will become less interesting, which may make your husband become more withdrawn.

Although you need to spend a lot of time with your husband and family in general, it is healthy to have other friends with whom you spend some time.

Maintaining some level of independence will make you be more interesting to your husband. This does not mean you have to do anything major. Even a hobby can help you to make your husband want you more. If you are happy with yourself, you will draw your husband more.

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Marriage partners can be soul mates. This is the absolutely best type of marriage, although it is rare.

In recent years, books, songs, movies and other popular media have extolled the glories of the soul mate marriage. While it does exist in real life, it is a bit more difficult to come by than the popular culture leads us to believe and expect.

Signs of Soul Mates

- Connected at a soul-ullar level

- Each partner believes they got the better deal

- Passion is high and remains high

- Know each other well

- Take care of each other's heart

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How to Get There

We are led to believe by the popular culture that one day you will look across a room, lock eyes with someone, and the two of you will be instant soul mates. While that does happen in the movies, it's important to remember that in the movies everyone has a script, know what is coming, and have as many takes as needed to get it right.

In my experience a soul mate relationship is intentionally created and actively maintained. Couples learn to see through each other's eyes, and keep the lines of communication open. Forgiveness flows freely as needed.

The bottom line to remember is that a soul mate relationship is not accidental, it is intentional.

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Every couple that comes to my office for help is required to privately rate their marriage between 0 and 10. Zero being hell on earth and ten being heaven on earth. Almost without fail, the wife will put down a lower number than her husband. Many times, the disparity between the numbers is large. She will put down a zero or a one and he will put down a seven or an eight.

In roughly 98 cases out of a 100, it is usually the wife that instigates marital counseling and not the husband. The wife usually believes that the marriage needs more work or help than her husband does. This is often very frustrating for the wife. She wants to fix something that her husband doesn't see as broken. This could produce feelings of resentment and anger as she tries to work on something that her husband doesn't seem to either care about or notice.

There are several factors that go into the reasoning behind this, but the main one is security. Men and women derive their security from two completely different sources. If the wife is insecure and the husband secure, she will be trying to fix something that the husband doesn't think needs to be fixed. After all, he's secure, why fix it?

HOW A WIFE GETS HER SECURITY

A wife's security is derived primarily from her relationships. She feels secure if she has quality, affectionate, and emotional time spent with those she loves. If the only time she sees or spends time with her husband is the few minutes he wants to make love, she'll quickly feel empty and disillusioned.

For most women, a relationship is sharing emotions, building connections in spiritual and emotional ways, and exploring the intricacies of a person's personality and spirituality. Most women-and wives in particular-want this depth in their relationships. She wants this in her marriage.

When she doesn't get it, when she begins to believe that her husband doesn't care, or that he is no longer interested, then she becomes very insecure. This insecurity causes all sorts of problems for her.

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When they were dating, she felt this connection. He was courting her. He put his best foot forward. He developed emotional connections. He spent quality time with her. He was thoughtful, gallant-debonair even. But as so often happens, after marriage that all seemed to change. She grows insecure. The insecurity brings problems.

HOW A HUSBAND GETS HIS SECURITY

A man derives much of his security from his ability to provide and take care of his family. It is a God given instinct to want to take care, to defend, to fight for the ones he loves.

So if a man is making decent money, paying the bills, putting food on the table, putting clothes on the backs of his children, is able to provide for his wife, then he feels secure.

For the average man, providing for his family, having a woman to greet him when he comes home, having his sexual urges satisfied, is the essence of security for him. He feels like he is doing his job. He is doing what he believes is required of him. If he is able to do these things, he is secure and fairly content.

The most insecure men are those who have lost either their job or their ability to provide for their family. Most men feel like that is stripping them of their manhood. A man defines himself by his work. Ask a man who he is and he'll associate himself with his ability to provide. A woman associates herself, more often than not, with her relationships.

So if a man feels like he is providing and protecting he feels secure.

THE RESULT

A secure man in marriage will often stop building the connections that are so important to a wife's security. When he was pursuing her-dating or courting-he built those connections, but now he has her. He was won the battle. He has conquered. Now he will turn his attention to protecting and providing.

But the wife still longs for those emotional connections. This is what attracted her to him in the first place. She does love to be protected. She does enjoy having things provided for her. But more than either of them, she longs for the deep emotional connections in her relationships. She wants to bond on a level much more deeply than merely physical.

When she doesn't get it, she thinks the marriage is in worse shape than her husband does.

It creates all sorts of problems.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.