How To Reconnect Emotionally With Your Partner: Connecting Deeply In Your Marriage Through Shared Feelings

How To Reconnect Emotionally With Your Partner: Connecting Deeply In Your Marriage Through Shared Feelings

"My husband won't show me his feelings." We hear it over and over again from frustrated wives. And a husband who won't share emotions can be an obstacle to a better marriage. Why?

True intimacy - the closeness that results when two people can honestly share deep feelings - is elusive when one partner can't or won't reveal who he truly is emotionally.

I believe that finding intimacy in a marriage is made more difficult because of the way boys are raised in most societies. We're taught to never show pain or allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Feelings are for girls.

When I grew up, this was the accepted definition of what manliness was all about. You solved problems or played sports if you were a boy. Many men raised in this model have never known any other reality, and they take this attitude into their marriage.

The sad result too often is missed opportunities at happiness, embittered partners, even divorce. Sometimes after years of marriage, couples ask us, "What went wrong in our marriage?"

What I found out was a secret that has given me a great marriage and been a key to a successful life.

The secret is this: Emotions are a source of strength and power. And by being sensitive to what you're feeling and being real with your spouse regarding your emotions in a positive way, you can set the stage for a wonderful, rewarding and fulfilling marriage.

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Men who never tap into their feelings don't realize that they could have more joy, spontaneity, laughter, and better sex in their marriage by following a simple prescription. But at some level, many are afraid of confronting feelings, especially negative ones, because they haven't developed the skills to handle them appropriately.

When many couples have a fight, the usual response from both partners is defensiveness and mutual blame. The predictable outcome in the marriage is a downward spiral. Couples may shut down emotionally, intimacy is lost and the quality of the marriage suffers.

But a paradox in relationships is that moments of conflict hold the greatest potential for emotional intimacy. This can happen when the partners take responsibility for working on themselves rather than getting caught up in blaming the other.

Here are some guidelines that will help both partners to use their feelings to improve their marriage:

1. Realize that emotions can be a powerful ally in helping you get what you want in your marriage relationship. Be open to the possibility that feelings (even negative emotions) offer the potential and power to create a win-win situation for yourself and your spouse. Be aware that showing emotions appropriately can be a path to strength and success.

2. Notice what emotions you feel when you're with your spouse. Don't hold back in showing your spouse positive feelings like love, appreciation, and respect. But pay special attention when you're upset or feeling angry. It's been said that there are really only two basic emotions - love and fear.

If you're feeling some negative emotion like anger, stop and take a deep breath. Deep down, you may have some fear that is being activated. Ask yourself: "What fear does this situation bring up for me?" Be willing to share those fears with your spouse, using "I" statements rather than "you."

You might say something like: "When you made us late last night to the party my first reaction was to get mad at you. Then I realized I really felt embarrassed because I was afraid our friends would think I wasn't reliable."

Take responsibility for your emotions and adopt the attitude of "How can I use this experience to grow?"

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3. Remember to be kind to your spouse, even while disagreeing. You can use compassion while gently voicing your concerns. Choose your words carefully. Never stomp on the vulnerable side that your spouse shows. And ask her (or him) to show you the same respect.

It's important to learn to tolerate your emotional discomfort during an argument without lashing out at your spouse. It can take courage to maintain courtesy and respect for your spouse even in the midst of disagreement. But it's well worth it.

Reaching for true intimacy requires opening up some part of yourself that is tender and easily hurt. That part is your innermost self - the sacred ground of the spirit. It is tender grass that an insensitive partner could easily trample on. Make sure you don't step on your spouse's feelings when she shares them with you.

4. Be willing to take responsibility for your side in a disagreement and apologize for your part. Above all, avoid blaming your spouse.

Even if you feel justified in criticizing your spouse, use moderation. Recognition from you that every disagreement has two sides and that you respect her right to have her own perception will go a long way toward ending a quarrel. This creates an opening for reconciliation.

Sharing feelings can be scary for men, because it goes against ingrained beliefs and habits about what it means to be male in this society. But in a relationship of compassion and trust, the sharing of deep emotions can create a marriage of profound intimacy that can only be described as a soul connection.

And this type of relationship has universal appeal. Because happiness is a currency that everyone wants.

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There are always times in marriage where you're not only profoundly disappointed but deeply hurt. You may see your marriage as a battleground, where you and your spouse are armed combatants who routinely engage in conflicts that have long-lasting negative consequences. Sometimes, you just can't avoid being hurt. When those times occur, there are certain things you can do to win the war behind the scenes, without firing a single shot. And no, I don't meet something that ends in a hollow victory.

If your spouse has hurt you, whether in words or in deeds, you don't have to strike back; it's your choice. When you decide not to retaliate, you'll dissipate the bitterness, resentment or negative interactions that your relationship has been exposed to in the past. Instead, here are a few suggestions for how you can take care of you when that happens. And before you write these off, consider carefully how far you could go in maintaining a peaceful marriage if you implement just one of them on a regular basis.

Take a hot bath or shower.

This first idea may not seem to be anything earth shattering. What we're trying to accomplish here is to remove you from the scene of the crime before it happens. By that I mean that you could choose to withdraw from an argument or conflict before you say or do something hurtful to your spouse. When you jump in the shower or take a hot bath, you've not only removed yourself from the situation, but you are giving yourself the gift of relaxation after an otherwise stressful or anxiety-inducing interaction with your spouse. You will then be able to let your anger simmer down so that you can think clearly and decide what to do or think next.

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Blow off steam by working out.

A step removed from the shower idea is to leave the house entirely. Don't do it in a huff, by slamming doors or going off half-cocked, simply gather your things and head to the gym for a workout. Whether you spend 20 minutes on the treadmill or an hour pumping weights, you'll be able to channel your anger or frustration into something productive: working out. This will likely cause your negative emotions to dissipate and putting you in a better frame of mind for when you see your spouse again at home.

Talk to a friend you can trust for feedback or insight.

If you're really bothered by what happened between you and your spouse, and you don't feel like a hot bath or going to the gym, get out of the house to meet a friend. Or at least go someplace where you can't be bothered and call someone you can trust on the phone. Hopefully that friend is someone special who can just listen, and hear your heart. Perhaps you want to get their feedback or insight or see what they would do in this situation if your friend was in your place.

Part of the solution is to simply get yourself into a calmer state of mind so you can think more clearly and become a better communicator. Remember, you spouse is not your enemy.

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Marriage advice is a dime a dozen, but yet the divorce rate seems to be growing daily. The problem for most couples is that they do not know what to do with all this information when they are faced with a marriage predicament. One way to change this is coming up with a plan. In the same way that you need a plan when building a house, you need a plan if your marriage is to stand firm. Let us look at some practical steps.

Step 1 - Positive Thinking

Many people are defeated even before they get started because they allow their minds to be conquered by negative thoughts. They tell themselves that things are too far gone, that their spouse will not respond positively, that they do not have what it takes and a host of other defeating thoughts. This mindset is a recipe for failure and disaster.
If you want to have a great marriage you will first need to transform the way you think. We strongly believe that if you are negative then only negative things will come to you, but if you are positive you will attract positive results.
Starting today, tell yourself that you will only think positive thoughts about your marriage. Thoughts that are loving, uplifting, rewarding and hopeful.

Step 2 - Personal Responsibility

When moving forward, there is no room for finger pointing, blame shifting, anger or resentment. YOU need to be willing to take responsibility for the state of your marriage. It doesn't matter what happened in the past, whether or not you think your spouse is at fault, you need to focus on your role in the marriage. What it is that you can do right now to make a difference.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Without taking personal responsibility, you will always think your spouse is the problem and that if he or she doesn't change then your marriage cannot improve.

However, if you decide to take personal responsibility you will see vast improvements in your relationship with spouse, even if you are the only one trying. We can guarantee that eventually your spouse will make the necessary changes so that in the future you can work as a team in ensuring that your marriage remains Steaming Hot.

Step 3 - Time To Develop The Plan

We really believe in a practical approach to fixing your marriage. Therefore, you need to develop an action plan. Ask yourself these questions:

Where do I want to see my marriage in the next three months?
What steps do I need to take when I am in the middle of an argument with my spouse?
How can we ensure that we resolve conflicts immediately?
What am I willing to give up in order to achieve my goals?
What steps do I have to take to fulfill my goals?

Ensure that you write down the answers to the above question. You can also think about some questions that relate to your particular situation and add them to the list. The goal of this exercise is to give you a vision for where your marriage can go and the tools to take you there.

Step 4 - Stick The Plan

Finally, you need to be dedicated to the plan for the rest of your marriage. It is senseless to improve your marriage today and next year revert to your old actions and ways of thinking. Make a commitment that what you learn throughout this article will remain with you forever.

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It's amazing how seemingly insignificant and common marriage problems can be built up out of all proportion through the sheer fact that one or both partners feel insecure.

Insecurity can eat away at you, leaving you with a marriage without trust and a sitting target for normally routine and relatively harmless common marriage problems.

Insecurity fuels jealousy which, in turn, creates common marriage problems that wouldn't normally exist.

Insecurity means couples fail to experience the joys of marriage in the true sense of the word. Insecure couples generally fail to build the partnership that forms the foundation of a solid marriage and tend to experience a greater number of marriage problems than those couples who feel comfortable in their marriage.

In some instances there are good grounds for feeling insecure with partners commonly struggling to recover from previous marriage problems that have broken the trust in the marriage.

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In other cases people marry without even experiencing that initial trust such as when one partner feels that they are less intelligent or lack the good looks that they believe their partner will eventually fall for. In such cases it's common for marriage problems to be apparent right from the start.

Many common marriage problems are driven by insecurity and can be easily resolved merely through addressing the issues that have created the unease in the first place.

Discomfort in a marriage or in any relationship can leave partners stressed, which in turn fuels insecurity and in itself creates common marriage problems that wouldn't otherwise exist.

If you are struggling with your marriage don't just look at the marriage problems that are currently apparent but identify the underlying cause. It's common for marriage problems to be merely a symptom and not the cause and it's resolving the underlying cause that will ultimately save your marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.