How to cope with Endings and start new Beginnings.

How to cope with Endings and start new Beginnings.
Hello and welcome back to this series of articles on change. In the second article entitled ‘Elected, Non Elected and Non Events Life Transitions. How have you dealt with them? I discussed dealing with endings and Elected transitions, Non elected transitions and Non Events.

In this article I will look into endings and how best to deal with them. Almost all endings mean the start of something else, and by learning how to deal with endings we can better prepare ourselves for change and for the future. This state of transition where one situation is ending and another one is beginning can be very stressful. It can lead to all sorts of problems if you are not prepared for it. We might take a graduate leaving university as an example: if they have not prepared for life after university then this transition can be very stressful; if however they have started planning and have some idea about what they will be doing next then they will deal with this transition much more easily. Having a Coach during this transition can be hugely beneficial as it allows you to sort out what you need to do to get ahead and then form an action plan for getting there.

It can be very difficult for many of us to move on and to let go of aspects of our past. Bridges (1980) in his book Transitions: Making sense of life’s changes suggests that we can accept transitions better by recognizing that letting go can be at best confusing; trying to understand the phases related to transitions; and developing skills to better negotiate our way through these phases. To accomplish this, he says we need to understand how one copes with endings. When breaking our connections with the familiar and approaching the unfamiliar, fear is a common response.
An ending occurs when we go though Life Transitions (which I discuss in Article 1) and though Elected, Non Elected and Non events (Article 2) transitions.

Dealing with an ending in the correct way can make all the difference. If we deal with an ending properly we can move on to the next phase of our lives. If we do not then we can become trapped and become stuck in limbo somewhere between an end and a new beginning.

Four key aspects of the ending experience are described below. Dr D. Helfand (1995) in his book ‘Career Change’ outlines 4 coping mechanisms for coping with an ending.

1.Disengagement: To break away from the context (activity/job, relationship/co-workers, setting/workplace, or role/job title) in which we have known ourselves.
Suggestion: The process of change can begin when you recognise and accept that this change must be made. This can be either by your choice (career change) or not by your choice (being fired). Therefore you should move toward what you fear, rather than away from it. If you need help in doing so (such as from a Coach) then you should seek it.

2.Disidentification: By breaking old connections (with the job itself or with co-workers), we lose self-definition or a role that determined our behaviour and made us more identifiable. The impact here is usually greater than we expect.
Suggestion: At this time, it becomes important to attempt to be more open and flexible in how we think of ourselves so that we can move on through a transition toward a new self-identification. Working with a Coach will allow you to examine your role outside of the situation which could lead to greater confidence, self respect and self esteem.

3.Disenchantment: Once separated from the old situation, we seem to be floating between two worlds (former job and next job). We learn that the world is no longer the way we believed it to be.
Disenchantment related to your career occurs when an organisation or individual betrays your trust, the perfect job turns out not to be so perfect, or when we lose a job and recognise our own false sense of security.
Suggestion: To really change you need to ascertain whether an important part of your old reality was only imagined (e.g., the ‘noble’ boss or the ‘perfect’ job). Recognise the disenchantment as a minor or major signal of your need to look below the surface of what was thought to be true in order to bring your perception and reality together. Coaches are often used within large companies to help employees who are going though this stage. By revaluating what they perceive they can often change their mindset so they become re-engaged with their place in the organisation. If they are not able to re-engage the Coach can work with them to plan what to do next outside of their current role.

4.Disorientation: As a result of leaving the old reality (former job) behind, your sense of orientation is gone, resulting in the following:
•Feelings of being lost, confused, and not quite knowing where you are
•Feeling that life is breaking down and no longer going anywhere
•Plans for the future being disrupted
•The disorientation aspect of the ending is meaningful but not enjoyable.
Suggestion: The confusion and disruption are inevitable. Perhaps recognizing its part in the process can help you cope better as you enter the neutral zone, or ‘time out’ period. This will lead to adjustment to the transition, with increased self understanding, on your way to a new beginning. A Coach is very effective in this stage as they can help the person create a new vision and new orientation and help the person work though the feelings of being lost and confused.

As I have already discussed in Article 2 there are 3 stages to change.
1. Let go of the old situation
2. Move into the transition or neutral zone
3. Move into a new beginning

We have to let go of the old before beginning the new, no matter what the nature of the transition is. The second phase of a transition is the neutral zone. This is described as a time of confusion and emptiness, a period of needing to be alone, a time of inner reorientation, leading to greater self-understanding, renewal, confidence, and of courage to move forward to the third phase: a new beginning. The new beginning involves adjusting to the change that has just occurred in one’s life and thus successfully passing on and through the transition.

For example, a person who is made redundant needs to pass though Disengagement, Disidentification, Disenchantment and Disorientation to complete the ending phase of the transition. The problem is not necessarily that the person does not want to give up the job or cannot let go of that piece of his or her identity. The real problem is that before people can identify a new something, they need to deal with a period of nothing.

The empty time (neutral zone) is important because we simply can’t always leave one thing and go right into another. We need to take time out and give some thought to what we want for ourselves and the important people in our lives. As new ideas for the future emerge during the neutral zone phase, people begin to enter the third and final phase of the transition: making a new beginning. This phase involves an inner realignment and renewal of energy. Working with a Coach can fast track you to this final stage a lot faster than if you worked though it yourself. People who do not use Coaches will certainly get there, but it may take them 5 times as long as a person working with a Coach.

Now here is the practical part of the article.

Think about an ending that you have been though. It can be a leaving education, a change in job or a change in career. Think about the 4 endings I have described. Make a list of the 3 things you did during each ending that helped you get though the change. How could this learning help you deal with another change?
Disengagement: (To break away from the context - activity/job, relationship/co-workers, setting/workplace, or role/job title - in which we have known ourselves.)
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Disidentification: (By breaking old connections with the job itself or with co-workers, we lose self-definition or a role that determined our behaviour and made us more identifiable. The impact here is usually greater than we expect. )
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Disenchantment: (Once separated from the old situation, we seem to be floating between two worlds - former job and next job. We learn that the world is no longer the way we believed it to be.)
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Disorientation: (As a result of leaving the old reality (former job) behind, your sense of orientation is gone, resulting in the following feelings of being lost, confused, and not quite knowing where you are)
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Next time I will be looking at Career challenges facing those people in their early to late twenties.

To your continuing success!

Joseph Smart
Joseph.smart@career-and-development-coaching.com
www.career-and-development-coaching.com