How to Be Happy Despite Your Partner's "Flaws"

How can we find happiness and have a perfect relationship when our partner is abusive in some way? What if no matter how loving you are, your partner still behaves in a physically or verbally violent manner? This situation can be enormously frustrating, extremely challenging, and even dangerous, but not hopeless.

In my previous post, The Best Relationship Tip Ever, I explained the concepts of the “flawless partner” and of seeing perfection in others. We are going to apply the same concepts here, but with a different twist.

The first step is to avoid trying to change your partner. Since this is crucial, let me say it again. “Try not to change your partner”, even when you think his or her behavior is appalling. Got it? Stick with me here and it will all make sense in the end.

ARGUING WITH REALITY

If we assume that our partner should act differently than he or she actually does, we immediately open the door to unhappiness. This is because when you argue with reality and refuse to accept what’s actually happening, you end up waging a battle you can’t win.

Let’s consider the following scenario. Keep in mind that this scenario can be applied to any behavior in any situation.

Ana wants John to keep his voice down when they argue. But the reality is that John raises his voice when he disagrees with Ana. For Ana to want him to act differently only creates unhappiness for both of them. She is unhappy with his behavior, and he is unhappy because of these complaints towards him. The solution for Ana is to accept that John raises his voice when he argues. She doesn’t have to like it, but she can accept his behavior for what it is instead of trying to change him.

DISSOCIATING THE BEHAVIOR FROM THE PERSON

Now, how does it help you when you stop arguing with reality? When you are neutral about what your partner does, you are automatically content with yourself and with what’s going on. This may seem like a small thing, but it’s actually huge. You start seeing that everything that your partner does is perfect in its own way. The only thing that brings you unhappiness is trying to change him or her and thinking that they should be different.

Even more important, though, is noticing that what you are experiencing is only someone’s behavior. We are all so much more than the behavior we exhibit. When we go beyond the behavior, we then allow ourselves to see the real person behind it.
Exercising your right to choose

It’s also good to remember that you always have options, especially when dealing with physical or verbal abuse from your partner. Just because you can see someone’s perfection--regardless of their abusive behavior--doesn’t mean that you have to stay in a situation that is no longer optimal for you.

In the above example, even though Ana may love John and fully understand that he is perfect regardless of his yelling, she still has options. For example, she can wish him well but choose to live in a more peaceful environment. In this case, she is not leaving the relationship because he is abusive, wrong, or impossible. Ana is not blaming John. She is leaving because she wants something else in her life. She allows him to be who he is because she knows that her happiness does not rely on him being different. Her happiness relies only on herself.

There is also the option to stay in the relationship regardless of the behavior. As you become neutral regarding your partner’s behavior, his or her behavior no longer affects or hurts you. When you take the power away from the behavior, often your partner’s behavior starts to change. Once his or her behavior no longer has a hold on you, the offending behavior starts to fade away and may even disappear.

HAVING A GREAT RELATIONSHIP

Our happiness ultimately depends only on us and not on who we are with. The best relationship you can ever have is with yourself. When you love yourself totally, you are free to love everyone else in the same manner. A happy ending to any relationship depends only on you and the love that you have to give, starting with yourself. Therefore, if you haven’t done it yet, start a love affair with yourself right away.

BREAKING THE RULES

In truth, there are no rigid rules in relationships. When we make our choices based on love instead of resentment or hate, it all turns out ok in the end. So, I guess I can say that there might be one rule after all: Let your heart lead the way. This might sound a bit sappy, but a heart-centered approach wins every time.
Sharing your thoughts

It’s your turn now. What’s your idea of a perfect relationship? Do you have a love affair with yourself? How do you handle it when people act in ways that you consider abusive?

With you always in my heart,

Andrea