Helping Parents Help Children Who Are Afraid of the Dark

In this article I will briefly describe how to solve bedtime problems when your child is afraid of the dark.

There are two approaches to fear. The first is to avoid what scares you (the dark in this instance), the second is to face it with help and reassurance. The first approach seems to lead to a life of being mastered by your fears; the second seems to lead to the possibility of being master of your fears. I know what I want for my child – the latter. If you are like me, the following advice on how to solve bedtime problems due to fear of darkness may be helpful.

Here is an approach to help you help your child is face his/her fear of the dark: After reading or telling a story, hug and kiss your child and lovingly tell your child something like, “I am going to turn out the light now. Good night.” When they protest and cry you can say something like. “I know you are scared. It is OK to be scared. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I am going to leave the room now and leave you alone to calm yourself down. I love you. Good night”.

And now you unhesitatingly leave, with no more word, no matter how loudly you child is screaming. How can you do this, you ask? Because you know that if they fail to calm themselves down in “x” amount of time you will come back in and help them.

The time should not be too long and nor to short. How to determine this? A simple formula: your child’s age plus one. If your child is 3, four minutes. If you child is 5, six minutes. And so on.

If your child is still screaming after the allotted time you come back in. DO NOT turn on the lights! DO NOT pick up your child, or take them out of bed. Simply sit down in a chair next to the bed and in a calm voice say something like, “Oh, I see you are still very upset. I am going to sit her with you until you calm down,” THEN TALK NO MORE. If your child tries to engage you in talk or get in your lap you simply say something like, “Oh, it is bed time, not time to visit or sit on my lap. You need to stay in bed and I will just sit here with you until you calm down. You can be as upset as you need to be, as long as you need to be”. Once they calm down, you can say something like, “I am glad you are calm now. It is time for me to leave. I love you. See you tomorrow”. If they get very distressed again you can say something like, “I am sorry you are so upset. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I love you”. AND LEAVE WITH NO HESITATION knowing that you can/will come back in if you need to in (their age plus one minute).

Your willingness to keep doing this all night if necessary is what makes this work. I have never met a parent that needed to do this for more than two or three nights.

I invite you to comment away to extend this conversation and to check the resources here.

Happy Parenting.