Frustrations of a Single Mom

I was a bit emotional today. My son was scheduled for his 15-month check up tomorrow. His pediatrician calls, and I miss it. I return the call, and luckily I do, because she tells me my son is no longer covered by his insurance. What? I am shocked. As I dial the number to his insurance, I can feel myself begin to panic. Letting your one-year-old's insurance lapse is not something any mom wants to do. A kid should not be without insurance. I explain the situation to the agent who tells me that I can no longer just update his paperwork but now I must file completely over. What the heck?

I ask her, "How long will that take?"

When she replies, "45 days," I feel the anger start to build.

"What? Are you kidding me? So you're telling me my son will be without insurance for 45 days?"

"Yes, it takes that long to approve it."

"No kid should be without insurance. It would have been nice to know it expired beforehand since it's not on the card I have."

"We sent something out to you."

"I never received it."

"Well, we sent it."

It doesn't matter how many times she decides to tell me that, I still didn't get it, but how can I prove that I never received something in the mail?

There is nothing she can do, so I get off the phone with her. I immediately go to the computer, find the website, and file online. As I'm finishing this, my son is wanting on my lap. I say, "I'm almost done." Oh this would be a great time to not be a single mom and have someone to occupy him.

Of course, he doesn't understand. He just wants to see what I'm doing and to be in on the action. I'm getting frustrated, because all I want to do is finish this online process, get the stuff together, and mail it. The more I'm rushing around, his sounds start getting louder. I say sounds, because he doesn't talk yet. Then I realize he wants a snack.

I put him in his highchair, give him a snack, and finish the online form. As soon as I hit "Submit," I realize I should have uploaded documents like my driver's license instead of choosing to mail them in. It would speed up the process, but I am in such a hurry, it doesn't occur to me to do this.

I make another call to the insurance just to clarify I can't revise his old case. You know how if you call another time and get a different agent the second person will tell you something different? I'm hoping for that.

This is the one and only time that doesn't work. Dang it. This agent tells me the same thing.

He proceeds to tell me that someone will send me a letter asking for what they need, and then I can send it then. I tell him, "Online it says I can send it ahead of time to speed up the process, so that's what I'm trying to do."

Then he explains what I could mail to them. Great, that's all I needed.

I get off the phone, and I feel my eyes stink. My son finishes his snack, and I lay him down for his nap.

When it's just me and my thoughts, the tears begin flowing. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in the situation. I'm disappointed in my mom skills. Why didn't I know this? How was I supposed to? What could I have done differently? I feel like I let my son and myself down. I had no way of knowing the date his insurance would expire. It never occurred to me to look at that (thank goodness the pediatrician told me).

From now on, I'll definitely be on top of that, but as I look back, I have no idea what I could have done differently... better. That's frustrating. If I never got something in the mail, how could I have prevented this from happening? What lesson am I supposed to learn from this?

As my face is covered with water, I think about my son. I feel like a horrible mom. I was impatient with him... my baby, who doesn't know any better and just wanted to be on mama's lap. I was frustrated and irritated... not a good combination. Even though I apologized to him, he doesn't understand. I feel horrible, because I took my frustration out on him by being impatient and not letting him sit on my lap, by my saying, "I'm almost done over and over," and by making him wait.

Single motherhood has taught me incredible patience. But now, I know I still have a long way to go. Each year, each step, and each moment will teach me that. I know this one instance doesn't define me as a mom. I also know that in the years ahead of me, I will have plenty of times to mess up... be impatient, frustrated, and imperfect..and know those don't define me either. I will learn from this, take it with me, and grow knowing I will do better next time.