When my wife and I work with people about relationships, one of the most frequent concerns is freedom. Or rather, the fear of losing freedom inside of the relationship. This shows up for singles wanting a committed relationship, but unable get past the fear that it will be the end of freedom. It shows up for men who have a very strong innate need for freedom, and it shows up for women who feel their freedom disappear beneath diapers, jobs, cleaning, cooking - and her husband still wants to have sex!

Often, how people attempt to deal with this is coming up with ways to secure their rights to freedom. In the same way one would fight back to protect the home village if intruders were attacking: "My freedom is my birth right, and by darn, I'll fight to protect it if I need to". And as in any war, whether justified or not, an excess of force is used, and in the end, there are no winners.

In real life that could look like this: "I'm not doing one more load of laundry before you do....!"; "I'll have sex with whomever I please!"; "I can't commit to you, because I'm a free man and I intend to stay that way!"

What gets utterly lost in this way of dealing with the right to freedom is questioning what freedom is. Most adults still carry the same understanding of freedom as my 11-year old son: Freedom is the absence of any obligations, responsibilities and duties on my part. Freedom is doing whatever I want at any time, disregarding any consequences.

In working with people, we ask this question: "What is freedom", and initially most answer like my son. We then add, "Now look at that from inside your relationship. So your partner has the same freedom as you, he can do whatever he wants at any time, have sex with anyone he pleases, come and go as he wants, etc". In the face of that realization, most people all of sudden think freedom sounds a lot less desirable. It sounds like lack of trust and accountability; it sounds like not caring; it sounds like recklessness; it sounds like "how can I build anything in such a relationship?"

From that perspective, suddenly commitment looks a lot less restrictive. As a matter of fact, commitment, which to those who fear the loss of their freedom is equal to burdens, chains, cages and weights around their necks, now appears to be freedom! A 180 degree shift in perception. People will say, "wow, if I knew my partner was committed too, I'd feel safe to be myself; I'd trust and relax; I'd feel like building something beautiful together; I'd be free to express myself!"

What is freedom really? Is it not having to do anything but that which you desire right now? Or is it being able to be yourself, express yourself, know yourself? From my experience, freedom and commitment are not mutually exclusive. They are one and the same.

Author's Bio: 

Sonika Tinker & Christian Pedersen, outrageously loving couple teaching radical new paradigm for relating.

Sonika Tinker is passionately committed to shifting the current relationship paradigm from blame, resignation and scarcity to one of joyful, expansive, delightful co-creation. She helps men and women consciously co-create relationships full of laughter, self- expression, deep intimacy and personal empowerment. She has over 30 years experience coaching singles and couples on the issues of relationship, has designed and led hundreds of trainings and touched the lives of thousands.

Sonika Tinker, MSW, is a Relationship Specialist, Certified NLP ProfessionalTM, Certified Enneagram Teacher (with Helen Palmer) and Founder of LoveWorks, a relationship training company. She is co-author of Seize Your Opportunities: Living a Life Without Limits.

Sonika is an energetic, inspiring, educational coach, leader and speaker. She is recognized for her deep loving presence, her authentic, candid honesty, her lazer insight, cutting edge content and practical tools for change. Sonika’s inspiring teaching & coaching includes humorous and moving stories and exercises designed to motivate and educate, all accompanied by a contagious laugh no one ever forgets!