Sarah made Alyia to Israel in her late thirties. Spending most of her adult life looking for Mr. Right, Sarah decided that the men she had grown up with were not right for her and she believed her way forward was to come to Israel to find him. Sarah thought the men were at fault and all would work out once she arrived in the Promised Land, after all, she had spent many summers here during her twenties and thirties and had fallen in love enough times to know that Israeli men were the way to go.

I met Sarah after her fortieth birthday, she was frustrated and confused. She told me she could not understand why everyone around her seemed to have found their Mr. Right and yet she had not. She had even spent an inordinate amount of money on ineffective dating agencies, not to mention the numerous heartaches she had suffered from failed relationships while in Israel, but all she seemed to encounter were Mr. Wrongs. She believed she was an attractive, intelligent, warm kind and funny person but that maybe there was something different she could do that might work in her favour.

During our weekly chats I discovered that Sarah believed that it was the mans job to make the moves, if she dared make a move, i.e. approach a man, then she would be perceived as pushy which was surly a disgusting characteristic. She also realized that due to fear, she wanted to receive before she gave, to be sure that the man in question would not reject her.

I asked Sarah what could allow her to give someone a chance. She discussed with me her perception of seeing a potential partner as a "guest", in this respect she felt that she could be open, allowing herself to happily get to know him, to find out interesting things about him and what was special about him.

We discussed her perception of "dates" which was far from enjoyable and exciting. We looked at ways Sarah could change that perspective in order to allow her to be open and curious. Sarah left our chat feeling excited about trying something different.

During our next chat it became clear that while Sarah was on these dates she spent all her time trying to fit "his" requirements. When I asked her what these requirements were, she could only guess. It became clear to Sarah that this was an extremely exhausting method and decided that she would face her next date with more authenticity and curiousity.

At the end of each of our chats she was discovering more and more about the truly charming woman she was and was starting to believe that she was this unique and amazing person. Sarah chose exercises to do in her everyday life and had to really step outside of her comfort zone in order to make the changes she really wanted. With great determination and focus Sarah began to achieve amazing results.

Things seemed to be moving forward for Sarah, she told me she was now making decisions according to her values and what she wanted and it felt liberating. However we became aware together that Sarah had a deadline in her head and this deadline was causing her a high amount of anxiety, she felt she was a failure, wasn’t doing enough, things were not happening fast enough. We discussed different options if she chose to forgo the deadline, to focus on who she was allowing herself to be during these dates and since Sarah did not want to stay in that negative place, she decided to drop the "deadline".

The change I saw in Sarah was truly amazing, she told me that now that she had dropped the deadline and her obsession on finding "the one" she had finally been able to go out, be herself and get to know these men, which surprisingly turned out to be fun. Sarah was choosing the places in which she felt good, surrounded by good energies, she had started to build on her belief in herself and her confidence grew. We had discussed rejection; a subject I believe has most of us quaking in our shoes. Sarah chose a new perspective, instead of taking everything personally; she saw that just because the date didn’t work out, didn't mean she was a revolting person, not good enough. She now believed that all it meant was that she was not right for this man, no biggie, there were men out there that were not right for her and she didn’t believe these men were worthless.

I asked Sarah what tools were helping her to stay focused on her goal and she told me that it was bringing her values to the surface and using them as her guide. She told me that her values were her guide on both sides of the coin, allowing her to be who she really was and looking for those values in others.

After a while Sarah started dating someone whom she would never have given a chance to previously, had she not started to understand her true desires and values. Every day this new relationship developed, while she continued to learn more about herself and her boundaries. She became very aware of the type of person she wanted to be in this relationship and worked tirelessly to be that person, for herself. As Sarah’s relationship grew, she started to notice that other areas of her life were changing; she exchanged her old "glasses" for a new pair and was enjoying life from a new perspective.

Sarah is now in a loving relationship with a man who she feels is totally right for her. They work together, respecting each other, communicating openly and honestly with each other. She stays focused on her vision using it as a constant guide in her own growth.

Through pro activity, self belief, hard work and encouragement Sarah knows no boundaries and that henceforth she considers herself an empowered human being.

The author of this article is a life coach. To find out more about coaching contact Roslyn Alper at

i saw sarah again this year and was so happy to see how vibrant and young she looked. She was radiating confidence and self belief and it was so apparent. She told me that in addition to her relationship, her business was doing so much better and she could see how people were drawn to her. I left feeling so excited about her journey.

The grandmother example:
During one of our meetings sarah became extremely self critical, informing me that she had done NOTHING in her goal to finding a man. She told me that unless she was continually physically moving forward, she would never ever find a man. I asked her if she had done anything during that period in which she informed me that she had been working on her self belief, her values and her strengths, taking the time inside her own head to really work out what she was looking for. To her, at that time she felt this was nothing. I asked her about this voice that told her she was doing nothing, the voice that said she would never find a man unless she was out there continually. I asked her to invite this voice to come and visit with us, to hear what she had to say and I asked her to give this voice an identity. She was a critical grandmother who had her own agenda and after hearing all her complaints, sarah talked to her, explained how she was now an adult, a different person to who she used to be and that these comments were no longer relevant or helpful. Sarah left our meeting that day feeling so much stronger and ready to answer the critical grandmother back as soon as she started to complain.

Sarah chose to make a list to read prior to new dates, we discussed what things would be helpful for her to have on her list, open and curious, a list of what she was looking for in a man and a list of her values.

Her task for the week was so read through this list before each date in order to elp her become aware of the truly important things for her. In addition, I asked her to look for five positive things about each date, no negativity. She left our meeting full of exciting challenges and lots of energy.

Author's Bio: 

My name is Roslyn Alper, I am an Adler Life Coach living in Israel who specializes in relationships, although I am well versed in all other areas of coaching

I studied at the Adler School of Coaching and have discovered my purpose in life. I worked for an import company for many years, but my last years in the job were very unfruitful. At the time I was too scared to leave, thinking I would be unable to succeed at anything else. I was not in a happy place with my life. Eventually I found coaching and decided to make a career change, to work in an area that I truly believe in and find to be exciting and empowering. In order to truly understand the process I was coached myself and after a history of denying myself romantic relationships I decided to work on this area of my life.

I am now in a healthy relationship and have adopted a powerful belief in myself and coaching. Working on relationships opened all kinds of doors for me in self discovery and affected every aspect of my life. I truly believe that if we wish to make changes in our lives and are prepared to work hard, we can follow any path we choose. Growth and empowerment will always follow us towards our goal.

I have now dedicated myself to helping others and I look forward to working with those of you who are ready to take the next step to a more fulfilling life.
For more information please visit my facebook page: