Emotional Manipulation In Marriage: How To Deal With An Emotional Manipulator

Emotional Manipulation In Marriage: How To Deal With An Emotional Manipulator

Are you looking for Christian relationship help? Then here is a seven step plan for detaching from manipulative people.

People do all kinds of things to pressure us to do what they want us to do. It is up to us to see through the manipulation and do what is right for us. People use guilt, dishonesty, avoidance, blame, deflection, punishment, pressure, abuse, and withholding of approval and love. They pretend to not understand what we are saying. They blame us for the problem. They deflect the conversation by bringing up something else, focusing on a detail that doesn't matter, or getting us to defend ourselves when they don't want to talk about the issues.

Janet's mom was good at this. When Janet would tell her mom she wasn't coming over, her mom would bring up something that she needed help with. When Janet tried to talk to her about problems in their relationship, her mom would say her heart was hurting and she needed her heart medicine. When Janet tried to confront her mom on something she had said to her that was hurtful, she would talk about how sensitive and ungrateful Janet had always been. If Janet held her ground and didn't come over, her mom would call Janet's brother and complain about how neglected she is.

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Janet knows her mom manipulates her, but Janet isn't strong enough to withstand it. When her mom attacks her, Janet tries to defend herself. When her mom brings up her heart problem, Janet apologizes for upsetting her. When her mom calls her brother, Janet worries about what he thinks. When her mom says she needs help, Janet wants to say no, but she can't stand feeling guilty so she gives in to her demands.

Janet's mother is obviously manipulative. Anyone in a relationship with a manipulative person knows how difficult it is to withstand the pressure. You can detach by using this seven step plan for detaching from manipulative people:

1. Identify the way the person manipulates.

2. Identify how you are affected by the manipulation.

3. Develop a plan to respond to the manipulation.

4. Recognize when the manipulation happens.

5. Implement the plan.

6. Detach from the person's reaction.

7. Do what you need to do and believe is right.

Jesus warned us not to entrust ourselves to people without paying attention to who they are (Luke 2:24-25). Until we are clear on the manipulation, how we are affected, and how we plan to respond to it, we will give in to the pressure and end up disliking ourselves and the other person too, which is typical for people struggling with Christian codependency.

Relationship Prayer: God, help me to see how people try to manipulate me and help me to be strong enough to detach from their reactions.

Relationship Challenge: Use this Seven Step Plan to detach from the manipulative people in your life.

Applying this Christian relationship help with the seven step plan is the only way you can stop the destructive cycle and detach from manipulative people.

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Too many relationships fall victim to desensitization. Seeing, doing and being around the same things causes you to lose your sensitivity to them. In essence you become overly accustomed and are no longer intrigued by what you see, have or do on a regular basis.

Many marriages fall into this. That is why the allure of a stranger with fresh eyes can be so appealing. They see in you, what your partner has begun to take for granted. Whether we like it or not, there is a part in each of us that wants to be noticed, validated and found appealing.

When the pressures of married life weigh heavy on you, you are even more vulnerable to this need. Often, instead of turning in toward their spouse, this is when people pull away. Thus the beginnings of a marital divide.

The divide widens when one spouse begins to flirt with the attention. Most people do not go out looking for an affair. It evolves as one partner opens the door to temptation and flirts with danger. The saying, "Don't open the door to temptation, if you aren't willing to go through it," applies here.

When you see someone who fills a need you have for emotional or physical connections, they are on your mind. The more you think of them, the less you think about your partner. The more intrigued you become with someone else or the idea of someone else, the less appealing your marriage will become.

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This is dangerous ground. What might have started out as innocent, can quickly turn into more than you bargained for. What we see happen in many cases is that one partner will cross the line. Unfortunately that one decision can end up spoiling their marriage and family dynamics.

Realize that once you cross the line of fidelity, it might not be possible to restore your relationship. Whether you have taken it to this extreme or are just thinking about it, stop. It is time to make some major decisions and realize that you can refresh your marriage and have a new fresh relationship with your current spouse. This takes effort but consider that chemistry needs to be stirred to stay activated. The three tips to refresh your marriage are:

Refresh tip #1 Look for ways to stay true to who you are individually, that person you were before becoming a spouse and parent. Devote time to the things, hobbies and activities that keep your batteries charged up and give you an internal spark. Take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit. Rekindle the traits that your spouse fell in love with.

Refresh tip #2 Go on get-aways with your spouse. Make it happen, stash away money, hire a sitter and get away. Rekindle the romantic love. Divorced couples take trips because they can. They have a built-in babysitter, the other spouse. A luxury married couples do not have. They also feel guilty for leaving their kids without a parent. Think of it this way, you are leaving them now, so you won't be splitting up later.

Refresh tip #3 Consider having an affair with your spouse. Think of all the little tricks you might do if you were sneaking around with someone else and do that with your spouse. Focus on being fun and flirty with your spouse. Add surprise and the unexpected. This is not always easy, but there is a grand payoff.

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Every situation is different and there is no universal answer for everyone facing a challenging marriage. But take heart, it is not uncommon or unnatural to feel the heavy strain of parenting and marriage. Many people feel isolated in their feelings leading to guilt, sadness and isolation. This will only make the problem bigger.

It is valid to feel those emotions. The bigger issue is not that you feel this way, but what you do when you become aware of those feelings. It can take a toll on the strongest relationship. Understanding that this happens, looking for the warning signs of pulling away and then taking action to refresh your relationship could be the glue that keeps you from breaking apart.

You cannot overtly change your spouse's behavior, but you can change yours. How you act will eventually influence you spouse's behavior, prompting a catalyst of change in their actions as well.

That can be the game changer you have been hoping for. Be the change you want to see and keep trying even when you are not seeing the results you hope for. Any relationship that has been under strain will not perk up overnight.

Much like a plant that has not been watered in a while, it takes time to build back up to a healthy relationship. Give it time and show your spouse that you are in it for the long haul. That unconditional commitment is a true gift of strong marriages. Refresh your marriage by being the kind of spouse you want to have, and watch the sparks fly.

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Can I save my marriage before it becomes yet another statistic, whereby half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce? Perhaps you can, and working together we would like to see you successfully stop divorce and rebuild a healthy marriage.

No one gets married planning to one day divorce, yet few actually formulate a plan for a happy marriage either. The phrase "we will live on love" is all too common among engaged couples, but reality sets in all too soon once the marriage is under way.

Divorce is often feared for the economic impact it will have on your life, but actually it is the emotional impact that should concern you most.

While it is common to feel a bit of panic when you feel you may be forced with a divorce, what you actually need right now is calm, rational thinking and perhaps some good advice.

Start by determining just how imminent a divorce really is. If a recent heated argument prompted you to wonder "can I save my marriage" then you perhaps are just in the early stages of rescuing your relationship.

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If, however, you have just been served divorce papers and possibly were not even aware of the proceedings at all, then it is time for you not to panic but to shift into high gear and stop divorce in its tracks.

Some people feel concern for the health of their marriage just because life is not as rosy and blissful as they expected. If that is the case with you then I am sorry to say you were greatly misinformed.

A marriage is comprised of two imperfect people in an imperfect world, and as the saying goes, "life is what happens when you had other plans". It is perfectly normal for you and your spouse to have some problems in your marriage that need to be worked through.

The issue that causes many marriages to deteriorate into divorce is that one or both spouses handle those problems poorly. Ideally, both of you should work together as a team to solve your problems but all too often one or the other or both of you seek to place blame on your spouse.

This "blame game" causes anger, resentment and can foster a need for retribution; and it all spirals downward from there.

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There's an important question that you need to ask the marriage counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential counselor gives.

It's an often-overlooked question that hardly anyone ever talks about. Therapists don't include it in articles they write about how to select a good counselor, so you're unlikely to read about it. I've never heard of the topic being discussed on the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied subjects.

But the answer to this important question could save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist. It's a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities, and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience.

What is the question I consider so important that it could be the "deciding vote" in selecting a therapist for marriage counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s): "Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"

Then watch the therapist's reaction and listen carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the parenthesis:

1. "No, I've never had to go to counseling."

(Never "had" to go? Do you mean that you're "above" having to go to counseling? That only people who aren't as emotionally stable as you are "have" to go? How will you even know what it's like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the most intimate details about your life?)

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2. "Yes, I went once for several times when my father died."

(That's slightly better, but what about all that self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do? Don't you take your own advice?)

3. "No."

(That's odd. Why the one-word answer? It's a logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if you've never been to counseling yourself? Why haven't you been? Don't you believe in what you're offering?)

4. "I took part in some counseling when I took my courses for my degree."

(You mean you role played with other students in some of your counseling classes--that doesn't count. You weren't in a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. That's totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at your own real issues.)

5. "Yes, I have. I've had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the quality of one's life."

(Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone through the counseling process himself. He won't be just talking about something he has never experienced, and he doesn't sound ashamed that he's had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of himself for making that choice. I like that he "practices what he preaches" about counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldn't have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.)

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Are you surprised to learn that many counselors have never participated in counseling as clients and have never faced their own individual or relationship issues? That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is shocking to think that could happen, but it does--quite often.

Just think about it--would you want to go to a therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken her (or his) own advice? Who hasn't dealt with her own personal past and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes to you? Who doesn't really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting room, and then talk openly to someone you've never seen before?

I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who haven't done their own work in counseling--either in individual counseling, relationship or marriage counseling, or both. There's a saying that you can't take other people any further than you've been yourself.

That's certainly true when it comes to counseling. The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrain--not from only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues all tangled up in his own unresolved issues--something personal counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively.

So before you sign on with a marriage counselor, ask the important question--"Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"--and be sure that the counselor you select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.