Domestic Violence Counseling: When the Counselor Becomes Your Enemy

I often hear domestic violence survivors complain that the counselor they are seeing with their partner has sided with him/her. These victims expected to seek therapeutic remedy for the dysfunction that they live, and they discover they have gained another “enemy.”

Here are some things you will want to know if you are going to a therapist with your partner for domestic abuse.

1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your own home.

2) Anticipate that when you return home, the dynamics that you sought help for have solidified. That’s right you heard me: the abuse dynamic is stronger, bigger...you might even say, “more in your face.”

3) Expect that when push comes to shove, the therapist will most likely be singing the abuser’s song, and you will feel like you have two enemies.

4) Know AND trust it’s not about you. An open ear gravitates to the louder, more domineering voice. And when it comes to abusive relationships, we all know which partner will have the more convincing voice, no matter how compelling the victim’s story.

5) As soon as you are willing to take responsibility for your error in choosing this type of therapist/therapy, request termination. You see, you are in the wrong kind of therapy for domestic violence. Marital and couples therapy is actually contra-indicated for domestic abuse. It’s more likely to exacerbate intimate partner violence.

6) Find a therapist, who has expertise in domestic violence intervention, to work with you individually. And encourage your partner to seek individual therapy if he/she is willing. If he/she does (which is not likely), request that your two individual therapists interact from time to time.

There are as many ways to impact change in a dysfunctional relationship as there are dysfunctional relationships. One thing is for sure: marital and couples therapy is not appropriate for domestic abuse.

You see marital therapy is based on a “systems” approach. And the goal of the system is to maintain its homeostasis (that is, its balance). To this end, the responsibility for the dysfunctional dynamics within the system is spread equally across the system. However, this is what solidifies the abuse dynamic.

Suffice it to say, marital therapy and couples counseling is not the right therapy for your problem. The sooner you find the appropriate type of intervention and the right therapist for yourself, the sooner you will be on your way to safety and peace in your life.