Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for about four years now and my husband and I got married at 18 we have 3 kids all under the age of four and it gets stressful sometimes for both of us.  He is in the army, he's been a soldier for almost 3 years now he was deployed overseas last year and ever since he came back he came back a different person.

I sometimes don't know who he is anymore. I try to do everything that he asks for but yet nothing makes him happy we don't argue a lot but when we do they are really bad arguments. To be honest the only reason why we don't argue as much is because i choose to ignore the things he does to me.  My husband can hurt my feelings and not apologize unless i ask for an apology. He has never and I mean never in four years that we have been married ever made me feel better or ever done anything to make up for his mistake I always let it go.   Since he came back from the war zone he has sleeping problems like he kicks his leg every six or ten seconds I have stayed up countless nights taking notes and counting he wakes up just about every night like at 2 or 3 in the morning and he will eat but he can't control it.  

He sleep walks and when i tell him babe go back to bed you're not hungry he gets upset and I can understand having a little snack but he eats 3 bowls of cereal a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cookies ding dongs then in the morning when he wakes up he feels unhappy with himself.  He calls himself fat and ugly disgusting, but hes not fat he doesn't have a belly hes 159 he also tells me that hes getting old hes only 22 he tells me that what has his life come too getting up in the morning and going to work every day the same over and over again.  He hates what he does he sometimes hates coming home he wonders what is he doing with me if he loves me still if he even loved me to begin with and it hurts me because i care about him he tells me that hes not attracted to me in any way and it crushes me.  

We stopped having sex now he only lasts 3 minutes and I'm not exaggerating I really mean counted 3 minutes and its only once a week if I'm lucky and he never gets in the mood any more and its never when I want to its always when he does.  Most of the time I just lay there and it doesn't feel nice.   I feel useless.  When ever he is happy he tells me how much he loves me how he can live without me that when he's mad he talks a lot of BS that he doesn't mean.  Its like a roller coaster one day hes fine and happy and an other day he's miserable and unhappy and it drives me nuts.  

Do i believe what he tells me when hes mad or when hes happy but regardless it hurts me it puts me down when we argue he can't stick to the subject instead of admitting his fault he will try to justify it by bringing something form the past or saying something that would hurt me instead of "OK I understand what i did I'm sorry it wont happen again" 

I wont see him for a week now because hes out in the field doing training but he left mad not wanting to talk to me the last words he said to me were "I want a divorce i hate you i don't love  you anymore."

Please i need some type of advice i need some type of reassurance to keep me here from your experience does it sound like he loves me I'm only 21. I have 3 kids but I'm still young i don't want to get used to a routine that makes me so unhappy i have accepted that i have responsibilities and that life cant be all games and fun I'm willing to give up a couple years until my kids are old enough I'm willing to sacrifice myself for my kids and my husband.  I think I'm a very good mom and good wife i cook and i clean, my house is hardly ever a mess i believe that children aren't an excuse to have your house dirty or to forget about your self.   Please just help
me out here please.

Dear Reader:

This is a familiar problem.  Your husband is showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is quite common in veterans of combat.  It's dangerous for him, for you and for your children.  You need to contact a counselor who is expert in this issue.  Is there a Veteran's hospital nearby?  Are you on or near a base? Seek counseling there.  At, you'll find a hotline where you can be connected to resources.

Please call and get yourself and your husband the help you both need. 

This will only get worse until you do.   The Real 13th Step will help you understand PTSD and give you tools to help.

13th Step ebook

For low-cost counseling, email me at

Author's Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.