Dealing with a Depressed Spouse: Depression and Marital Problems

Dealing with a Depressed Spouse: Depression and Marital Problems

If you are having marriage problems and you have observed some of the symptoms of depression in your spouse for the past few weeks then YOU should be prepared to take the initiative to get her to get help to help her and to save your marriage. Your depressed spouse most probably is not capable to help himself. You have to understand, though, that this is not an easy task. You will very likely meet up with lots of resistance from them.

Dr. J. Prochaska and colleagues identified 6 different stages that a person goes through when they change. Identifying the stage that your loved one is in cab be tremendously beneficial. Matching what you say to each stage will enable you to prod him along to get the help he so desperately needs in a very not pushy way.

In this article I will explain the first stage of change, pre-contemplation, its signs, and the proper way to deal with it so will be able to change your bad marriage into a happy one.

The pre-contemplation stage is, as the word suggests, the stage that the sufferer doesn't admit (both to himself and to you) that there is a problem.

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This might be very hard for you to grasp. How can it be that he doesn't see how sad he is and how he has changed in the past few months? Is he blind? The answer is that to avoid pain the past, the present, and the pain of having to change our mind plays "tricks" on us and blinds us to what is actually happening and blinds to things that are obvious to every objective observer.

Here is a short list of the common mechanisms people use to avoid "looking at the problem in the eyes":

Denial- This means that a person doesn't see that he has a problem. He really thinks that he is happy, energetic, and upbeat like he always was.

Projection and Blame. This mean that when you approach her and tell her that your once good marriage is now a bad marriage and that she caused it to happen because she is so depressed they respond, "I'm depressed? Go look in the mirror and then tell me that I'm down and you're not!" They project (like a film projector) their state on to someone else.

Justification. This defense system is that they agree with the fact that they are unhappy, morose, and sad, but they give a reason for it other than the fact that they are suffering from some tort of a medical depression.

Minimizing. This means that the one who is suffering from a depressive disorder admits that he is depressed but only "a little". A typical example of this is, "I wouldn't say that I'm depressed. Just a little down lately.

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If you notices the symptoms of depression in your spouse, you mentioned to him what you feel, and he reacts with one of the above statements, then you know that he is the first stage of depression. As long as he denies that he has no problem THERE IS NO USE to try to convince him to get help. I repeat, "THERE IS NO USE to try to convince him to get help." He doesn't see the problem, so your mentioning the problem will either just annoy him or you will get into a fight with him.

What should you do, though?

1. Validate their unwillingness to go for help. Tell them, "I understand that you feel I'm exaggerating. I'm just worried." They need all the support that they can get in order to build up the strength to change.

2. Encourage self-exploration NOT action. This is the most important thing to remember. The stage after pre-contemplation is contemplation not action. Don't skip any stages of change. Right now, they are not able to even hear that they have to change doing something. Push him ONLY to into the subject but reassure him that you won't push him to change unless he wants to.

If you are having marriage problems and you (and other people around you) are convinced that your spouse is experiencing a depressive disorder don't presume or even hope that he will immediately agree to go for help. Just be supportive of him and encourage him to realize that there is a problem. This is the first step to fix your marriage problems.

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With so many marriages ending in divorce, it is hard to believe all those people actually made an effort to repair their situations and learn about marriage - and their partner. I have observed, and found in my own, personal experience, that a little effort can go a long way when it comes to any relationship; and, conversely, no effort will make any relationship go away. When you take steps in one direction, others will tend to either follow you, or resist you. If you direct your energy - mental, emotional, and physical - toward creating a great relationship, that's what you'll eventually create.

But in order to expend any energy at all, or make any extra efforts in any particular direction, people need incentive. Marriage is something you are in all day every day; it's a full-time job that requires thought and effort. Of course, you can either love your job or hate it; and your choice here makes all the difference in the world to your health, happiness, and life - even your financial situations. Why should you work to improve your marriage? Because your marriage will heal you and fulfill you, or it will kill you; the choice is yours, and the deciding factor is how much thought, positive emotion and constructive, loving energy you invest in your marriage. If you need incentives to work on improving your marriage, here are three good reasons to work on your marriage that apply to everyone:

1. Happiness - Whether you are married and unhappy, or unhappily married, you need to separate the concepts of marriage and happiness. If you aren't a happy person, you aren't going to help anyone else be happy; and every relationship you enter will be unbalanced - them trying to make you happy, or give you happiness, that you can't receive because happiness can truly only be found within you. However, if you do marriage right, you will have a best friend, a devoted partner, and a passionate lover - all in one place! If you put the right kinds of energy and attention into your marriage, you will definitely find yourself becoming happier and happier until, one day, you finally realize what your love, attention, and focus on your marriage has done to improve every other part of your life. Happily married people are some of the happiest and healthiest people on the planet. But they are indeed a rare breed.

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2. Health - It is said that married people live longer. If marriage increases your happiness level, then it is indeed good for your health. However, if your marriage is in disrepair, then it is causing you stress whether you realize it, or not. Stress can have a tremendous, negative impact on your health and every other area of your life. Stress has been reported to be responsible for about 90% of all doctor visits; and marriages cause a great deal of stress. Learning to manage your thoughts and emotions could dramatically improve your health, life, and longevity.

3. Money - From a financial perspective, marriage is a good deal. You really don't even have to think about that one. And, just like in the business world, turn-over is expensive. Divorces are expensive, dating is expensive, "training" a new employee (or partner) is expensive and takes time, and you still may end up in a place that won't get any better unless you work on it. Why not go with your first (or most recent) choice and work on what you already have? It is much less expensive to learn about people and relationships than it is to throw away one life and build another one - which will likely have the same problems since we carry those around with us until we learn to resolve them. Marriages and human relationships, in general, are valuable treasures and resources; invest in your investment.

Next, click here now to find out why your spouse is lying to you about the reasons they want a divorce. Follow the information step by step and you will discover the truth, cut through the lies and pain, stop divorce dead in its tracks, and rebuild the strong, intimate marriage you've always wanted... even if your spouse doesn't want to!

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Now that you are reading this article, I assume that you want to know how to save your marriage. If that is the case, I want to take a minute to congratulate you first. I congratulate you because you are trying to save your marriage and not just letting it go like most other people do. If more people were like you, the divorce rate of 87% we have now would be much less. I have been in your shoes and know the pain too well - but in the end I did save my marriage.

You want to save your marriage, and to do that; you must be in the correct state of mind. Most people who want to save marriages, including me; go desperate upon seeing that their marriage is heading towards a divorce. And they react by looking for a quick fix to repair all damage and save their marriages, because they feel that they need to do something immediately to repair their marriages. I have been through all that - but I learned that such an approach always makes everything worse.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

The reason is simple. There is no quick fix to save your marriage because the problems leading to this severe marriage crisis didn't happen overnight - they built from ground up in some time. So if you want to act to make them disappear overnight; not only they won't, but it will also ruin your credibility in your spouse's eyes. This is why you must immediately get rid of the "I must do something at once!!" / desperate / panicky state of mind; and calm down. I like to call this state the "marriage-saving" state of mind. Being calm will enable you to process everything that is happening right now in your brain. It will make you calmly consider the problems, find their sources, and remove their roots. You will be able to look at everything from a much wider perspective - as opposed to the knee-jerk reactions in the possibility of a breakup and divorce.

I know that this is easier said than done - but I have made a web page which I hope can guide you to the right path of saving your marriage.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

What would you say if I told you that marriage counseling often times creates more problems than it solves? And what if I told you that traditional marriage counseling only has about a 20% success rate at saving troubled marriages? If your marriage is failing and you are trying to save it, you will probably be shocked to learn that the most successful plan is nearly the complete opposite of what marriage counselors are teaching!

Why do you suppose that marriage counseling hasn't been a very effective tool for saving failing marriages? It's primarily because very few counselors are actually trained specifically in couples counseling. They received their education in individual counseling, which focuses on the health and life satisfaction of the individual. There really isn't any requirement or certification necessary to call yourself a couple's counselor.

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These well meaning counselors, who actually know very little, if anything about how to save a marriage, focus on the individuals in the marriage, since that is what they were trained for. They teach the couple that communication is the key to a successful marriage, that they need to talk through their problems with the counselor and learn to communicate better. This can often have disastrous results. The couple may learn to communicate better, but communication is rarely the problem that leads to divorce. Often times, better communication skills simply teaches the couple how to fight better.

The most effective approach, in my opinion is the one that focuses directly on the marriage. The marriage becomes almost a 3rd person. It is basically the complete opposite of what 95% of marriage counselors are doing in their couple's therapy. I know this works because it worked for me and has worked for countless other couples. It even works when only one partner wants to save the marriage. When I learned about the approach, what to do, what to say, how to act and how to apply the principles, my marriage began to turn around, just as it has for most couples who have tried it.

I will leave you with 3 powerful tips:

1. Avoid the common mistakes that will doom a troubled marriage to fail

2. Get control of your negative emotions

3. Be willing to take powerful action to save your marriage

You have it within you to save your troubled marriage, even if your spouse doesn't seem interested in saving the marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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