Are You Guilty of Horsetrading

Pure love is very simple. You love the person for who they are – right now, whatever they are doing or not doing. In its simplest terms, you love them and give your love unconditionally.

Many of us believe that is what we do, ye, the reality is, we love them, but we want something in return. A classic example of this is how we use attention. When someone is pleasing the horse trader, doing what they want, are present for them, spend each moment with them, give good eye contact, and listen actively to what their partners have to say. They show interest in what the other person is doing and they make them the centre of their attention.

Horse trading comes in many forms – as in the example. But there are many others. Another popular one people use mood as a weapon and a reward. When they like what they are doing, they are loving and kind, there is a gentleness and openness. It is this energy which others seek. When their needs are not being met, the quality of energy changes dramatically – it can range from cold and distant to downright hostile.

Perhaps the most promiscuous horse-trade of all is that of sex. At its best, it is the most wonderful sharing of intimate passionate love where two people come together to share their vulnerability and their strength. At its worst, it is a trading transaction. I’ll let you have sex with me if you do what I want. It becomes far more about power and far less about love.

How does this have relevance to the partner of a workaholic? Well, dealing with clients over the years, has given me the opportunity to recognise patterns of behaviour across many people. Horse-trading is common.

Both parties are hurting, when what they really want is unconditional love, their hurt has led them to create a relationship where they respond lovingly when their workaholic partner gives them the attention they are dying inside for. You can almost hear the unspoken words – I’ll give love to you if you give love to me – but you have to give it to me first!

I can understand it – we all want to be loved and made to feel special, but here is the problem – Workaholics are workaholics because of a need within them. It is actually very little about you.

If significance is their downer and they get it best at work – that’s where they will spend the majority of their time and attention. If they crave certainty or variety they’ll get it from work if you don’t give them a powerful alternative.

What most people really want is true love. Now bearing in mind that if you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got, maybe it is time for a fundamental change!

Love them – unconditionally. Do things because you love them and you want to, not because of what you might get in return.

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