Whine And You Lose, But Ask And You Shall Receive

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” - Anthony Robbins

“Speaking your feelings is definitely a good thing, but if you really want to make an impact, you have to take it to the next level.” - Cookie Tuminello

There are those of us who live and speak totally from their feelings. And then there are those of us who have a hard time accessing those feelings because we are so solution oriented. Guess which one I was before I started doing this work? It wasn’t that I didn’t have feelings - it’s just that I had a hard time expressing them. For me, it was about allowing myself to be vulnerable. I would skip over the feelings part and go straight to what was working and what was not working. I can still do that, but now I can access my feelings to connect my head and my heart so that they work in unison.

Here’s the short version of what I learned about stuffing your feelings. The more you try to stuff them, the more they will come up. Then one day something happens - someone says something to you and you go off on them. Or as Clarissa Pincola Estes says, ‘The words come spewing out of your mouth like poison toads’ and then everybody within a 50 mile radius catches it whether they were at fault or not.

Speaking your feelings is definitely a good thing, but if you really want to make an impact, you have to take it to the next level. What do I mean by that?

Let me give you an example. When we choose to speak up about something, it is usually because something is not working for us. Someone did or said something that upset us or made us feel less than whole. So, consequently we chose to tell them how we felt and usually not in a nice way.

Here’s the problem with that. Just speaking your feelings is like blowing in the wind - it’s not going to get you anywhere. And to top it off, it can come across as whining. This is why women get the bad rap of being Whiners. You whine and complain, but you don’t come right out and ask for what you want. Duh! This is a practice that diminishes your power and your dignity.

So, how to you step into your power and stand in your dignity in this situation?

First, get clear about what it was that upset you before you speak your feelings. Do you need to get clarity about what they said? Did they say something that upset you or made you feel less than or was it merely an observation on their part?

Second, decide what it is you want from the other person before you have the conversation. If you don’t get clear about what it is that you want, then you are liable to sabotage or second guess yourself.

Third, make the request for what you want clearly and concisely - no wishy washy maybe’s here. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Fourth, always remember that whenever you make a request, there must be permission for the other party to say NO. This is a biggie because most people think that just because you ask someone for something they have to say YES. NOT!!

This week, take a look at whether or not your conversations are producing the results you want. And if not, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you’re not getting what you desire.