More Than Muddling Through

Unpleasant surprises don't necessarily have to be a necessary part of the process of midlife transition. 'Shock and awe' may have have some usefulness in military operations, but they clearly don't belong in a well-managed life. Although it's impossible to predict all the eventualities of midlife with 100% accuracy (as it's similarly impossible to make those predictions for the other two stages of life: childhood or adulthood), many aspects of what may be confronting us are 'out there' for us to become aware of (and knowledgeable about). "It happens to everybody" doesn't have to be a statement of capitulation; it can also serve a wellspring of wisdom for those who're willing to consider the facts carefully.

Is there anyone who doesn't know the legendary symptoms of a 'midlife crisis'? There's a stale primary relationship that's often accompanied with a sense of alienation or disinterest with things at home. There's 'straying' and 'experimenting' apart from a man's life partner. There's a striving to achieve a new 'look' — a new hairstyle (or color), new (and younger-looking) outfit, or the iconic red Corvette. At the same time, there are all they new 'toys' and interests, with or without the mushrooming credit card debt. Of course, there's job burnout, impulsive job change, or 'dropping out' of a stable career in favor of something a lot riskier. In fact, taking risks (more of them, and more severe) can serve as an excellent symptom of the onset of the midlife crisis.

This may sound too obvious to mention, but if we can predict the onset of midlife, and if we can identify the symptoms of midlife, and if we already know that midlife crisis can (and almost always does) affect those who we'd guess were the most immune to it, then why does it seem so difficult for us to put forward a plan to deal with it? Why, indeed? We can ask the same things about a number of other common behaviors. Why, when we know that old age (ideally) happens to everyone, are so many people so ill-prepared for it? Why do people continue to drink and drive, even when they know that their chances of getting caught, hurt, or killed are excellent? Why do people build and rebuild houses next to the water and in flood plains and leave themselves without flood insurance? Why do people smoke? Why do people who know better take stupid or even insane chances, heedless of the consequences? (I could go on for pages with examples, but I'll do us both a favor and I won't.)

The answer seems to lie in an all-too-human attitude that says, 'It'll never happen; and, even if it does, it'll never happen to me.' So long as you can't see an obvious target painted on your behind, why shouldn't you think of yourself as the next Evel Knievel? Taking risks can be a huge adrenaline rush: they can make you feel really alive . . . especially when your insides are starting to feel really dead, right? Dead right!!

Thumbing you nose at risk — particularly serious risk — feels like you're thumbing your nose at death itself; and the denial of the consequences of risk-taking feels like you're denying death itself. Think of yourself at midlife. A big chunk of your life is gone forever. The time (and resources) available for you to enjoy all those things you've been telling yourself you'd do mañana shrinks day by day. So long as you can deny that life has any limits, you can also maintain the illusion that your present sense of exile and alienation is only a temporary condition. After all, someday, you're going to . . . but, in the meantime, you've 'gotta' do what you've 'gotta' do. Denial of death gives you the illusion of immortality and the sense that you've got plenty of time and that right now is just a temporary condition. At the same time, this 'temporary condition' behaves exactly like a permanent situation.

What's the alternative to muddling through life, pretending that your permanent condition is just a temporary one? As the signs of the shortening of the years become more obvious, how do keep yourself from taking more and more outlandish risks just to prove that you don't see what you see, feel what you feel, and know what you know? You can start by admitting that you're getting older, that your time here is limited, and that the time you have left (however long it may be) is steadily shrinking. Then, you can take a long, hard look at where you are, do some really intense personal work to get in touch with where you'd like to be (given your present conditions) and, finally, you can start making SMART plans: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely. That's right: you can plan your way through your midlife transition. You can figure out where you are, where you want to go, and how you want to get there. There's nothing at all esoteric about that!

This, after all, is the message of midlife (a message that's much more comfortable to ignore than to attend to): you have a choice. I know that, so long as the state and direction of your life remains other peoples' faults, you can remain relatively content believing that you really can't do anything. If you want to maintain that attitude, I suggest that you prepare yourself for a long and painful midlife crisis. However, if you want to admit that you are where you are by your own choice and that, right now, today, you can make a different choice, then you'll be one of those blessed souls who can not only laugh at midlife, but even recognize it as the time when your real life actually began. And all you have to do is have a plan.