Mastering Relationships

Mastering Relationships

Do you feel that you are capable of attracting that amazing person into your life? Once you have a relationship, do you feel secure that it will last? Does your relationship feed you, or does it take energy away from you?

Mastering a relationship can be a difficult task. You’re dealing with two separate individuals that most likely have two different opinions, views, and possibly backgrounds. A relationship is a commitment which takes time, care, patience, energy, and effort. Given the right tools, your relationship will offer you great rewards, such as support, security, strength, pleasure, and fulfillment.

By implementing and maintaining the basic elements listed below, you’ll be able to create a solid foundation. On this foundation, you can build your relationship into something you’ve always dreamed of.

Be Your Own Best Friend
Have you ever observed yourself interacting in a relationship? How do you treat yourself? Are you kind and considerate of yourself? Or are you more apt to put your feelings to the side and forget about you? Would you like a friend to treat you the same way you treat yourself? If you feel you could use a little assistance in this area, I have a great exercise for you.

Take a pen and paper and list the qualities you look for in a friend. How would you want a friend to treat you? Be honest, and think about your needs. Got it? Now look at your list. Do you treat yourself as well as what you’ve written down? If you’re falling a little short, there is a remedy. Next to each item, write what you can do in that area to be a better friend to yourself. Make sure that what you write is something you will actually do. You’ve got to be able to accomplish what you write. Keep it simple, because simple is always more doable.

Now, observe yourself one more time. Take note of when you catch yourself not thinking of you, or not treating yourself very well. When this happens, see if you can incorporate things from your list, and take those simple actions little by little. Soon you’ll be able to be your own best friend.

When you treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, you’ll draw that kind of person to yourself. What you embody is what you’ll attract. If you feel good about you and treat yourself with kindness, that is exactly what you’ll get in return.

Know What You Want
Now that you have taken care of yourself, it’s time to look at your relationship. Knowing what you want in a relationship will determine the route it will take. Knowing what you want gives you an action to follow. Keep your pen and paper out for this exercise. List the elements you would like to have in your relationship. You’re looking for the qualities that would create an ultimate connection between you and another person. It’s not about the kind of person you’d like to have a meaningful relationship with, it’s about the elements that join the two of you together. Take your time here.

Next, look over each item on your list, then look at your relationship. Does your relationship already contain each item you’ve listed? If not, how can you bring those items into your relationship? What action can you take for yourself?

As an example, let’s say you listed “Respect” as one of the qualities you desire in your relationship. If you don’t feel you have respect in your relationship, what action can you take that will bring respect to the relationship? If respect to you means consideration, communication, or consistency, see how you can incorporate those elements into your relationship. Each time you feel a lack of respect, take action: show consideration, or demonstrate consistency. When you show the other person what it is you need, you are helping them to know who you are and how to treat you. You can’t assume the other person knows you; that’s something you’ll need to bring to the relationship. By doing so, you are taking a big strain off the other person and the relationship. Perfect!

Communication
Communication is an important component of any relationship. The way you communicate about matters of importance will reveal the level of your relationship. Do you approach deep communication with ease, or is there discomfort or fear present? Have you felt unsafe when opening yourself to another person? Perhaps you felt you couldn’t trust the other person, or maybe you felt you weren’t being heard.

When you’re dealing with deep levels of communication, these kinds of challenges are normal. When these difficulties aren’t remedied, stress can manifest and grow, which will in turn affect the relationship. Since you can’t change the other person, your best option is to work on yourself.

If it’s trust you’re dealing with, ask yourself, “What do I need to trust the other person?” Since distrust comes from uncertainty and confusion, you can try asking specific questions. This will help you understand the other person more fully. Knowing and understanding the other person will bring trust into the relationship. Remember to keep the remedy simple, because anything simple is more doable. Get to the root of what you need and follow through with an action.

The next challenge to address is safety. Speaking with someone face-to-face can be tough, especially when you’re talking about important subjects. If this is your challenge, what do you need in order to feel safe? Perhaps communicating over the telephone or by email will feel better to you for the time being. When you feel more confident, challenge yourself. Set a date for your first attempt at communicating face-to-face. When you do, take it slow. Monitor yourself and make sure you stick to short conversations. Then build up to longer conversations. Soon your challenge of safety will be a thing of the past.

Another challenge that might arise is the feeling of not being heard. Does this challenge describe how you feel? If so, do you also notice that you lose your train of thought easily? Do you find you need to talk out what you’re thinking with someone just to get to the bottom of what you really want to say? If this is true for you, try writing your thoughts on paper. After you feel you have written down everything that was on your mind, read it over once or twice. From your writing, you’ll find the essence of what you're really trying to say. You’ll feel more confident and focused because you’ll know exactly what you want to communicate, and the other person will find it easier to understand you because they won’t get lost.

No matter what your challenge is, taking the appropriate steps to remedy what you’re dealing with will empower you and help you build an even deeper relationship.

Listening
Isn’t it amazing when someone listens to what you have to say, when they really pay attention and hear everything you are talking about? Being a good listener is a powerful tool to master. When anyone communicates, they are sharing their own experience with another person. The listener naturally filters what they hear through their own past experiences. If the listener hasn’t experienced what the other person is talking about, a communication breakdown occurs. This is a normal scenario. But if you’d like to develop your relationship into something more significant, you can use a simple tool to become a better listener.

If you’re the listener, you’re doing your best to understand what the other person is trying to convey, until you get to a point in the conversation when what they say doesn't make sense to you. If you tell them you’re not following what they’re saying, the other person will probably repeat what they said before, and you still won’t understand. To be a better listener, just ask a question. Focus the question around yourself, and be specific. Say something like, “I’m not clear about...” or “I didn’t quite grasp...”. When you focus the question at yourself, you are stating what you didn’t understand, not pointing out the other person’s flaws. By asking a question, you are taking responsibility for what you didn’t quite get, as well as keeping the conversation positive. You’re also showing interest and taking an active role in the conversation. A simple question will save the day and enhance your relationship.

Enjoy It
Have fun, enjoy, and participate in your fabulous relationship. You’ve helped to create it, so enjoy! It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life. Participating in your relationship doesn’t mean spending hours upon hours in planned activities. It can mean a quick telephone call just to say “hi” or a thoughtful glance across the room. Again, think simple. Simple is more powerful and easy to accomplish.

Mastery
Mastering your relationship is a process that will bring you peace and satisfaction. The connection you will develop with another person is unmatched, and is an essential part of the life experience. Do your best to see the positive in your development, rather than focusing on what you think you’ve done wrong. Those kinds of thoughts will only work against you. Remember, what you embody is what you’ll attract. Take control, have fun, and create the relationship of your dreams.

© Deborah Koan~Intuion for Life 2007