BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

For some people being in a relationship can be very challenging. Marriage is supposed to be full of romance, fun, security and safety. For some couples they have been blessed with having succeeded in actualizing this ideal. For many other couples, unfortunately, they have instead experienced conflict, anger, insecurity and loneliness. These couples are left bewildered, confused and disappointed, wondering what "marriage" is really all about.

There are three key factors that determine the quality of the marital relationship. They are; respect, personal emotional health and realistic expectations. When these "three keys" are working well the relationship can flourish.

RESPECT

The concept that a husband and wife being equal partners is an essential factor in a successful relationship. The abstract concept of "equality" applied in action is the behaviour of respect. When a husband and wife behave respectfully with each other they become assistants, each enhancing and supporting the other.

The behaviour of respect is typically characterized by:

1) Gentleness of Speech- soft vocal tones void of criticism and anger.
2) Loyalty- my spouse as opposed to someone else, like my religion or country, is always right. This is commitment to loyalty is acted upon in speech and deed.
3) Democratic Decision Making- both husband and wife have equal power in decision making.

PERSONAL EMOTIONAL HEALTH

The "act of marriage" does not mean a person has automatically all the necessary emotional resources to succeed. For example, growing-up in a home where as a child a person was not respected or even abused can leave deep psychological wounds that need healing as an adult. Parents that argued and disrespected each other did not provide the necessary role-modelling needed to learn what a healthy and respectful marital relationship is like. As a marriage counsellor, I have worked with many people that find it very difficult to be emotionally intimate with their partner because of the hurt they experienced as a child. When individuals come from childhood homes characterized by multiple separations between parents and severe ongoing conflict they often fear accepting the responsibility of making there own family. They may get part way, for example they marry, but they won't agree to have children. Or they have a child and for some inexplicable reason they become depressed or want to leave their partner. Some solutions to repairing these childhood deficiencies are:

1) Reading self help books.
2) Observe healthy families. Try to get invited to their homes and learn.
3) Participate in psychotherapy with a professionally trained therapist.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Creating a family requires the successful transition from one developmental stage to another. Just like children learn in sequence to role-over, sit-up, crawl, stand and walk, etc. families go through clearly demarcated stages of growth. They are; courtship, marriage (commitment), living together, getting to know each other, producing a child, raising children, being together after the children have left and growing old together. Each of these stages requires realistic expectations. For example, while in the "raising children" stage expecting to have the same passion and excitement as during the "courtship" stage as very unrealistic and can lead to unfair criticism of one=s spouse and chronic disappointment. It is certainly reasonable to make increased intimacy and passion a goal at any stage of the relationship-but goals shouldn’t be confused with demands or entitlement. Not knowing what to expect can make one vulnerable to letting feelings make the decisions. Feelings are useful information, but should not run someone=s life. The mind should rule the heart. Some helpful ideas to help develop realistic goals are:

1) Read about different stages in family development.
2) Talk to friends and family members who have already been through it.
3) Consult with a professional Marriage and Family Therapist.

These three key factors; respect, personal emotional health and realistic expectations are all interrelated. They each impact on the other. For example, someone with unhealed childhood wounds may find it difficult to respect their partner.

By learning and working in all three of these dimensions, or one at a time, we can all eventually have a realistic chance of having the marriage and family we want and deserve. Healthy relationships are the greatest opportunity for personal happiness. Perhaps, in some situations it may not be realistic to expect marital bliss, but with sincere effort we can in most cases achieve friendship, companionship and even a little excitement when together.