How To Follow Through And Rebuild Trust Even After Infidelity

If trust in your love relationship feels weakened, broken or completely lacking, perhaps you have made an intention to rebuild it. This can be especially so if there has been infidelity. You may not know exactly how to go about healing your relationship and moving closer to your partner, but you do know it's something you want very much to happen. Making the decision and placing a priority on rebuilding trust is a vital first step. And the follow through actions that you choose are, perhaps, even more important.

The concept of following through permeates our lives. When your employer asks you to finish a job by a certain deadline, he or she counts on you to follow through and actually get that job done well and on time. Even in sports, such as golf, the follow through is important. Although the golf club has already sent the ball sailing off down the fairway (one hopes), the follow through indicates how balanced-- or not-- the overall swing is. It can mean the difference between next hitting out of the high grass and trees of the rough or easily putting the ball into the hole.

Jeff and Sara both enjoy demanding careers and volunteer in their community. At the end of the week, it just seems like neither has enough time to simply go out and enjoy coffee together, let alone a romantic dinner or get-away. They've tried to plan regular date nights but something “more important” usually intervenes after a couple of weeks. Recently, after Jeff admitted to Sara that he and a co-worker shared a kiss after a business meeting, their disconnection and lacking follow through has become painfully evident.

While Sara appreciates Jeff's honesty, she is reeling after his confession. Jeff is also upset by his actions and both want to make their relationship work. After a very emotional talk, Jeff and Sara decide to make reconnecting and rebuilding trust their number 1 priority. This decision feels good but, knowing their track record, they each secretly worry about carrying out this intention.

Set specific actions to help with follow through.
After setting your intention to rebuild trust, give your relationship more attention, or whatever it is you and your partner decide, come up with a list of possible actions that can help you two follow through on this important decision. Sit down together and brainstorm about what specific actions will help you keep the agreement you made. You might agree that Saturday nights are “date night” or that you will eat dinner together without distractions such as the television or newspaper three times a week. Be sure that these actions feel doable to both of you and provide alternatives so that if something does come up, you can choose another connecting activity.

Jeff and Sara realize that setting aside a date night once a week didn't work very well for them in the past. Keeping this in mind, they decide to add many alternatives to their list. Because their workplaces are within a few miles of one another, they schedule lunch together twice a week as one activity. They also both love to play golf. They decide that Saturday mornings they will get up early and play at least 9holes twice a month.

What happens when the follow through falls through?
So you're feeling improvements in your relationship. As you each honor the agreement you made, in part by following through on those connecting activities, you notice that trust is beginning to rebuild and you are feeling closer to your love. After awhile, perhaps those connecting activities become less exciting. Or maybe one of you comes down with the flu or has a business trip. Something comes along and you notice that you two are no longer giving your attention to your relationship as you promised to do. Your follow through has fallen through the cracks.

At this point, many people sigh, shrug their shoulders and go on with their busy lives. Others get angry and blame their partner or feel guilty and worthless. None of these responses will get you what you want-- to feel trust and connection with your love.

When you find your follow through missing, revisit your initial decision or agreement and your list. Ask yourselves if you still want to make the same intention. You may want to change that intention and that's ok. Look again at your list. Perhaps you'd like to add or remove some of those activities as well.

Even when you “fail” at following through on your intentions, you can renew your commitment to one another and your relationship. Come back to where you are and let go of judgments about how well or poorly you perceive you did. Return to what your love and to what you want. Then, leading with your hearts, connect as you follow through.