What Do Men Want?

What do men want from women?...

I hear this question every week from at least one my clients, or one of my customers who purchased one of my e-books. The truth is that what men actually want is really pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. When a man feels trusted, it makes him feel powerful. This is important for the reason that most men crave power.

In relationships that last for more than a few months, it is almost a certainty that at some point, a woman will hear some form of the following phrase from the man she loves, “If you would just trust me…” As surprising and sometimes frustrating as this phrase is to most women, it is equally puzzling to men that women don’t always seem to understand why being trusted is so important to a man.

The primary reason stems from the physiological differences between the sexes.
It begins at birth when males are given a distinct physical advantage over females by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes increased physical strength that allows males to both defend themselves from danger, and/or run away from a threat. They soon learn that they have “the power” to protect themselves, and thus they develop more self reliance on their strength. Most females do not have that same ability, at least to the same degree. With far less testosterone, girls/women don’t have the same level of strength to defend themselves in a physical fight when they feel threatened. If a boy/man trusts someone enough to allow that individual to invade their physical space, and that individual in turn, threatens him, he can always defend himself physically (or try to). Girls/women do not have that same physical option of power, specifically if the threat or perceived threat is coming from a man, who has a distinct physical advantage. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength (this is true not only physically, but emotionally), most little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time “trusting” when they feel vulnerable.

So men, when you ask the woman you love to simply “trust you,” it’s not that simple for her. For a woman, nearly every thought is associated with a feeling. When she hears you say “trust,” to her that means that she has to feel it. It is not that she doesn’t want to trust, but she is not able to do so unless she feels it. If you want a woman to trust you, she needs something to assist her in developing that trust. She needs a tool or gesture that she can “count on” until that trust with you is established.

What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word. Making a promise is meaningless if there is no action or follow through to support it. A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises because seeing is always more powerful than hearing. Allow me to illustrate this aforementioned point.

Imagine someone informed you that I was the meanest person they had ever met. For months all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and friends. After hearing such horrible things about me, it would be easy for you to believe that I was as mean and selfish as you had been told. Then, you finally meet me. During the course of that encounter you begin to notice that I do not seem to be as awful as you were led to believe. I listen attentively, and don’t respond with aggression, indifference, or arrogance. Instead, I actually seem interested in what you have to say, and appear to genuinely care about what you are telling me regarding you, and your life. After we part you are surprised to realize that I actually seemed to be quite pleasant. Would you change your entire opinion about me from one encounter? Probably not! However, if you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change. A paradox has just been established. The kindness you have seen me exhibit for those few weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of what a terrible person I am begin to fade because of my consistent and kind actions. Over time, the behavior that you actually witness, will replace most, if not all of your concerns about my character.

Men, I promise you that if you consistently treat the woman you love as someone that you value, and you keep your word to her without fail, you will be astounded at how quickly she begins to trust you. In fact, the result of that behavior will be that the woman in your life will have a strong desire to please you. When you are unsuccessful in keeping your word, it creates fear and doubt in the mind of your wife/girlfriend, and will negatively affect her ability to trust you.

From a woman’s perspective, she genuinely wants to have faith in you, and entrust you with her heart. As the man in her life, you have the ability to make that happen by simply doing what you say you are going to do. By continuing to keep your word, you will not only earn her trust, but her heart as well.