Focusing on the Lessons

An excerpt from the new book “Reframe Your Blame, How to Be Personally Accountable” by Jay Fiset

Why do people have so much difficulty recognizing the lessons their Victim experiences can teach them? I believe this is because the lessons are positioned directly in our blind spot, right under the victimization that has been the source of pain, frustration, and powerlessness. The Victim story is so big, bright, and obvious that it eclipses the lesson that is right behind it.

Think of it this way. The victimization and the lesson are the opposite sides of the same coin. Imagine that you are walking along a dirt path in the sun and a shiny object catches your eye. You go over to it, and, gleaming in the sun, is a bright, shiny quarter. When you pick it up, you notice that the back side is still covered with moist dirt that takes a bit of work to brush off. Finally, you can see that the other side is just as shiny. However, you would never have found the coin if it had been flipped over, shiny side down.

The same is true for your Victim story and its lesson. It is easy to see the Victim story because it is polished and shiny from being replayed in your head so many times. However, the hidden lesson on the other side needs a bit of work to reveal itself before you can tell yourself the truth about your life, your Victim experiences, and the lessons that you have not been willing or able to face.

What do I mean? Well, think of it this way. There has to be a reason why you haven’t been able to learn and integrate the lessons from your recurring Victim experiences. That reason is the truth about yourself that you have not been willing or able to tell. Here are a couple of examples:

· A young woman who consistently chooses men who are not as powerful as she is was not able to break the cycle until she told the truth: that she would never give her heart completely to a man who was less powerful. By continuing her pattern, she could keep her heart safe (and her relationships unfulfilled).

· A young man who has tremendous capacity keeps himself small, does not completely commit to his dreams, and resents and holds negative energy towards those who do what he would like to. The truth he must tell himself is that he lacks the courage to commit himself and risk failure.

These truths can be difficult to tell ourselves. In fact, each of us has created all kinds of dramas and cover stories to keep the truth from ourselves and others. Please push yourself to get to your truth regarding what has kept you from learning the lessons related to your victimization thus far in your life.

Questions for Friends

If you are having trouble identifying the truths behind your protective behaviors, ask three of your closest friends or family members the following questions:

· What do you perceive are my greatest blind spots—things I don’t see or don’t see accurately?

· What do your perceive is the truth about me that I may not be conscious of?

· What, in your opinion, have I been avoiding consciously or less than consciously in my life?

Yes, these are big questions, but let your friends and family know what you are up to—breaking old unconscious patterns, becoming personally accountable, and stepping up to live your mission in life—and that you want their support and insight. They will be honored that you asked.

Jay Fiset
Personal Best Seminars Inc.
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Author's Bio: 

Jay Fist is the Personal Accountability Expert. He is the President of Personal Best Seminars, a leading personal development company in North America. He is also the author of Reframe Your Blame: How to Be Personally Accountable. This ground breaking work contains concepts and information that are missing in all other personal development work.