Want a reliable pre-marriage or marriage compatibility test?

Do you question your love for your spouse? Or, do you question your spouse’s love for you?

Are you thinking you should have a marital separation or even a divorce?

Do you wonder if you should have been together as a couple in the first place?

Individuals in unhappy relationships often want an objective way of determining what to do. If you are one of these people in a bad marriage, you might want to say, “Give me a marriage test. Do we love each other? Should I stay or should I divorce?”

When you take a relationship test you expect it to be more accurate than pulling petals off a daisy: “she loves me, she loves me not. . .”

You want something or someone to tell you if you should give up your marriage and leave because you and your spouse are so incompatible, or to tell you there is enough love to tough it out and make it work.

These are very tough and complex issues. In the midst of your hurting you want a quick and easy way to make these determinations.

Unfortunately, marriage tests and marriage assessments can cause more harm than good.

In my opinion, there are two major requirements a relationship test has to have to give you truthful information. The test has to be scientifically valid and reliable in order to produce accurate and usable information. Valid means it tests what it claims to test. Reliable means it is repeatedly accurate.

The questionnaire or test you find on the internet or in a magazine does have “face validity.” Face validity means that regardless of the facts the test appears to do what it is supposed to do. Obviously, face validity is not sufficient to rely on for anything.

When you take a questionnaire or test in a magazine or on the internet, or even in a book, to determine the state of your relationship, it almost certainly is not based on scientific accuracy.

Why is this so important? You might think, “Why don’t I just take the questionnaire for fun?” It is important because you might be about to make a life changing decision about your marriage, or the results might subtly influence you without your awareness—all the while, based on erroneous information. If you realized how much your memory of the past is colored by how you feel right now, you would know one of the other major problems with these relationship assessments.

One of the couples I saved from this situation, Sally and Dan (not their real names), were having some marital discord. They needed help for their marriage. Dan had been disinterested in doing activities together with Sally for a while. Sally started searching on the internet and found a test of marital compatibility. She took the “test.” When she reviewed the interpretation of her results, she “discovered” that they were never compatible as a couple in the first place.

Sally tried to tell herself that it was just a silly test and didn’t mean anything, but it ate at her. After a while of a growing emotional distance between them and continuing to dwell on the meaning of her score on the questionnaire, Sally started thinking she made a big mistake marrying Dan and they probably should divorce and start over. She didn’t want to think that way; it just crept up on her. She forgot all about the wonderful times they used to have and she no longer remembered the times they could not wait to be with each other. That was when she called me for an appointment.

Instead of taking a relationship assessment, if Sally had just called for marriage help from a psychologist or counselor, she would have saved herself the months of needless worry before she contacted me. She would have been making the relationship problem better during that time instead of making it worse by wearing Dan down with her complaints of what he was not—not fun, not attractive, and that they were never meant to be together.

If you know there is something missing in your relationship and you are ready to seek marriage counseling, find someone who is family-oriented and very experienced.

If you need relationship help and cannot afford the rates, there are free mini-courses and self-help programs available such as Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple which can be found at www.marriagesolver.com . Working through a self-help program puts you on the path to doing something productive for your marriage rather than taking a marriage compatibility test and probably finding more justification to leave.

Please, don’t gamble your future with a relationship test that could give you more marriage problems than you already have.

Author's Bio: 

This article was written by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a psychologist with over 30 years of experience, who is strongly pro-marriage, family oriented, and who teaches couples how to dissolve their anger.

He does telephone consultations with individuals and couples from around the world, and meets with people in-person in his Owings Mills, Maryland office.

If you cannot afford Dr. Gunzburg’s fees which are based on $260 per 60 minutes, he has several self-help products including free email courses which you can find on his website:

You can contact him for an appointment at 1.866.654-1300. If you are local to the Baltimore or Pikesville or Towson or Owings Mills areas in Maryland, the telephone number is 410.654.1300.