Feeling sorry for men ... for a minute

Let’s pretend we understand men for a minute.

Think about what they must contend with concerning the female species. Women are emotional, whiny, catty, fickle, too sensitive, and all-over-the-place in the thought process. We get headaches, complain, and we’re complicated. We encircle way too many sentences to make a point, spin around in circles like a headless hen as we juggle 27 details, and are colossal worry-warts. Then every month we bless men with “the cycle” that causes us to be unavailable for sex, eat all the chocolate in the house, perform P-M-S, and reduces us to nothing more than a big bucket of hormones sprouting leaks.

Do you ever feel sorry for men because they have to deal with all of this?
I certainly do!

As a brother … Some men grow up being the only one in the house sporting testosterone besides Dad (my brother Danny had three opinionated younger sisters). Sisters make it impossible for a guy to enter the bathroom, and when he finally gets in, he’s forced to stare at icky things in the trash can, and witness weird contraptions scattered around: pantyhose over the shower stall, bras decorating the towel rack, and eyelash curlers mixed in with Midol and contact lenses. He also has the joy of PMSing sisters.
How’s a brother to cope? He’s looking in the classified for an available one-bedroom apartment.

As a son … A boy has female folly coming at him from all sides if he lives with a mom and has a sister or more. He even may be forced to spend every other weekend at his dad and stepmom’s house who may have a few more daughters to add into the girl mix, resulting in stepsisters who probably get their monthly all at the same time. Need I interpret more?
How’s a son to cope? He’s thinking at this point he might make a good Army candidate.

As a father … Men are forced to deal with Daddy’s Little Girl meandering through several dramatic years of body-changing pimply pre-teens. Daddy must scoot out of the way lickety-split when said daughter runs wailing past him on her way to her bedroom after the least little drama-induced upset at dinner – sometimes caused by Daddy not giving the teen her way. He doesn’t know exactly what to do with this little cretin he’s trying to raise and already feels sorry for the man she will marry.
How’s a father to cope? He feels a week-long fishing trip coming on.

As a husband … These guys may have it the worst. They must gingerly handle hormonal wives for long stretches of time, over many years of marriage. First they muddle through PMS a dozen times in as many months. Then they have to side-step engorged bellies for nine months at a clip (times 4 kids = 36 months = 3 years worth of tip-toeing around moods and swollen ankles).

And it’s not over once the babies are born – heavens no. Add the oft-occurring postpartum process to the child-bearing contract, and now hubby has to listen to weepy woe-is-me wailing and help sweep up depression.

And then (poor guys), wives reach “mid-life” and turn menopausal (some of us know what that entails). But wait, first there is entrance to peri-menopause, a lighter version of wacky, bawling moods, and a decrease in libido. And maybe not as intense as later, but she starts with the toe-to-head hot flashes and worries if her period is coming, going or standing still.

Menopausal ladies might love their husbands ever so much more after finally learning to appreciate them after a tumultuous marriage, or she may simply tell him to go to hell in a hand basket because she’s come into herself, figured out things on her own, and has an inherent need to live independently for a change.

She’s “Sybil” with 16 personalities, and hubby doesn’t know who will show up that day and whether she’s holding divorce papers.
How’s a husband to cope? No wonder a game of golf takes so long.

As a boyfriend … Boy “friends” may have it the easiest of all the male roles, as they are not legally locked in. Girlfriends sobbingly and dramatically present them with the radical ultimatum – ‘Marry me or else!’). Usually, boyfriends can leave the daffy girlfriends behind and go home to sleep while she goes crazy pacing her apartment worrying if he loves her or not. There are no more daisies in the vase to pluck.

The boyfriend feels slightly paranoid selecting birthday and Christmas presents for his girl, not having a clue if he’ll hit the mark or miss entirely in that what-do-women-want gift exchange. He thinks he’ll never figure her out – and his father’s no help because Dad hasn’t yet figured out Mom.
How’s a boyfriend to cope? This is where a night out with the guys comes in handy.

Overall though, boyfriends have it good compared to the other male roles, but watch out, fellas … in a split-second of weakness proposing on your knees, you could switch roles and become a husband … or almost as bad (check for holes!) … a father.

Disclaimer: Being that this columnist is a woman, guilty of having driven her father, brother, husband, son, stepsons and former boyfriends over the edge, she’s allowed to write this stuff (offered solely in jest – really). Because at our most ridiculous times, ladies, we simply must laugh at ourselves as we act giddy and girly, and grate on the guys’ nerves.